How to - Teach rich Russian kids

If you need to make good cash, teach the rich in Moscow. Russia's unofficial royalty. Finding this type of work, is hard but once you have done it a few times, you should be able to do it again and again. Pay can be anything from 2,000 to 3,000 Rubles per hour and a lot more, if you are a live in Governess or foreign nanny and teacher. 

Teaching these people, takes courage and an open mind. The experience can make or break you and you really cannot be sensitive to rude attitudes. You will either be treated with respect or treated like just another home help. These rich people are often mega rich and their money is beyond what most of us could ever imagine, unless we won millions on the lottery. These people will not blink at spending several thousand euros on a mountain bike, a bottle of wine costing 1,000 euro is very small change for these guys, the spend big and own big. How they got rich, is often hard to impossible to prove but they did get rich and continue to get more money and therefor they have more needs. They marry one or two times, have multiple affairs and have multiple numbers of children by at least, two different women. These children need to be cared for, not by them but by a team of hired helpers, one of them could be you. In another "how to edition" I will offer some small advice on teaching these rich royals in Russia and show you what you can expect at these families. The experience will be a door to another world.

The helpers

They will have several cars and the preferred choice of car is always a least one Bentley and at least two S-Class Mercedes. They will usually have at least one full time help at home who will cook, clean and iron although they usually have a team of home helps. Most have one to two full time drivers on call 24/7. They have a team gardeners who plant moss on the rocks and trip bushes and usually one to two nannies and at least one personal assistant. The personal assistant, will speak at least one other language and will usually be young and very pretty, often later she will become the rich mans 2nd or 3rd wife. 

Everything relating to you and your teaching, will go via the assistant, regardless if the mother or father is at home or even if they are in the same room as you, never ask them a question, they have an "assistant" for that. The nanny or nannies are the main bosses within the home and will watch you, the "teacher" like an alligator protecting her eggs. I have written about Russian nannies before (see Best Posts). Let's just say, they hold the power to have you fired or employed and what they say, goes within the rich Russians home. They can often be very jealous of you the "foreign teacher", so use extreme caution with these women. They have often been employed by the family for many years and have raised one or two children within the family. They know where their bread is buttered and will kill to defend their territory within the rich Russian home. Many rich Russian homes, have two nannies and one will be the captain and the other her spy and second in command. They will not speak any English, which is why you were hired as a teacher. They will be pure Russian in thought and in attitude and this will have positive and negative results for you as the teacher. If you teach within a private gated community, there will be many other nannies to spy on you, if you take your adopted child and student out for morning walks, within the grounds and community gardens. Mobile phones are used as two way radios, to report back your movements and interactions to the captain nanny. Everything yo do is monitored, be careful, as if they are jealous, they can invent stories and get you fired or even arrested in Russia.

The cooks, are the corporals to the captain and do all the meals, from breakfast to dinner including any demands made by the children or by the parents. They tend to cook classic Russian dishes and are very good Russian cooks. They are second in command, after the captain nanny within the house, so don't drop your guard with them as they can be as dangerous as the main nanny captain. The drivers do all the driving and can often be ex police, army, hired thugs or security guards. Some carry guns on them or in the car and will kill if so required without fear of legal prosecution. They drive fast and confidently. Most do not speak any English. All the staff within the home, have been chosen carefully and you are a guest and visitor, you are the foreign outsider and must be careful and polite at all times to fit in with the team. They pay you well, so be sensible, safe and do a good job, you can easily be replaced by a phone call.

The rich family home

The home of the rich Russian, will usually be big to huge. It will be done in a style that can be like a mountain cabin on a huge luxury scale, an Italian villa, a French chateau or a tasteful contemporary home, that looks straight out of a top design magazine. These houses can be beautiful to vulgar and often, these rich Russians, want to show it and say to the world, "I am rich and fuck you". They can be like a lottery winner or football player, from a poor background, who has no class, taste or education, who suddenly finds himself loaded with huge amounts of cash. He will spend, spend, spend and money is no object to getting what he wants, when he wants it.

Marble and gold are very popular to decorate the rich, Russian home. Often, the home interior will be along a predictable set theme. Popular, interior themes for rich Russians, are: ancient Greece, Italian or French but often done to look like a low budget, movie sets. Marble is very popular and most of the floor, in these houses, will be in white or cream marble, imported from Italy. You will not wear shoes in the house but only socks, so these marble floors (that will include many stairs) can be death traps and will be like walking on ice. Walk carefully and slowly or you will have a bad accident, when you slide along the marble floor, face first into a priceless statue, that is in the shape of a giant, crystal penis. Although your pay will be good, it won't cover any imported art that you may accidentally break will looking after your rich students.

I am not exaggerating but taps (faucets) will usually be in gold and in the shape of a fish or a swan. Mirrors, will be big and tinted and there will be many around the house. The oligarch wife of husband, loves to look at themselves as much as possible and where ever they can. The home will have large solid, high doors and the house will usually have an air exchange system and vacuum cleaner outlet in every room. There will be marble statues and heads in many rooms that would not look out of place in an art gallery, they will be expensive but often in very bad taste. Rich Russians, like huge, eat you up sofas and many of them will be in the living room and will seat six people or more. Big cushions are placed artistically on the sofa. Popular, cushion and sofa colours are purple and dark velvet is the preferred choice of fabric, followed closely by silk.

The parents bedrooms will often be the size of the ground floor, of an average European, middle class, family home and there will always be an en-suite bathroom and a walk in wardrobe. The bathroom will have two or three sinks, a walk in shower and a bath, big enough for four people. Taps will be in gold and there will be a vulgar, crystal chandelier, hanging from the bathroom ceiling and of course mirrors everywhere in the bathroom and bedroom. Most of the bathroom equipment, will be top end and imported. The walk in wardrobe will be the size of a room and will have a his and her division of clothes space. His shirts will all will all be pressed, neatly  folded and sitting on their own shelf or draw, that will go from the floor to the ceiling. He will have hundreds of designer shirts, suits and shoes. His shoes will be polished, every few days and his shoes will sit in tidy lines, on racks from the floor to the ceiling, waiting patiently for their owners feet. Her section, within the walk in wardrobe, will be the same but Italian handbags and shoes will be into the many hundreds or thousands. Designers brands are favored by rich Russians, as rich  Russians believe that if it is expensive and "designer" it must be good and must be shown, regardless of how ridiculous they may look.

The kids bedrooms, will be also be done in design themes. I have seen some rooms, that look like old ships. The kids bed, will be up a spiral staircase and will have a ships wheel, mast, telescope and rope rigging. The bedroom door and en-suite bathroom, will have round ships brass windows and all rooms will have large plasma televisions, for all their computer games. Toy boxes, will be on shelves, never opened and will still be their plastic wrapping. The kids will have hundreds teddies, dolls and control, helicopters, cars and tanks. The bedroom flooring will be in dark wood, often in rich solid mahogany. The house will have  a few themed rooms. A Turkish, Bedouin tent style is popular and the room will have a large snooker table, a full professional drum set, carpets, antique Spanish pistols on the walls and a bar area. Cigars and fine cognacs, will be on display on the bar. Look but don't touch. Rooms like this are big chill out zones for the kids and adults. I had great fun bashing the drum set, when looking after my adopted child.

The house will have a security guard and two and three ugly, bite your bum dogs, at the main driveway entrance. The guards will sit in a cabin all day and night, smoking and there will be cameras all over the property and a high fence around the entire garden perimeter. The grounds will have a least four double garages and the family will have a collection of motor toys. These toys, will include, motor quad bikes, motorbikes for kids and adults, motor go carts and motor scooters. All homes, will have a spa section to include, a large pool with water that will be almost hot to touch. In the pool area, there will always be a bar, six person jacuzzi, sauna, massage room and steam room. The pool area, may be in the theme of ancient Greece and may have fountains or fish spurting water from their mouths, that will be along all the walls near the pool. If you touch, the walls they will be solid and not made of paper as in a movie set. Don't be surprised to see Elizabeth Taylor, reclining on a chair by the pool, being fed peeled grapes by a collection of grateful slaves.

The children & parents

These rich kids, can often be a sociological study, into how not to raise a child. These kids have everything and have had everything, from when they were born. The simple pleasures in life, that most children get from opening a toy are lost on these kids. They can sometimes be like machines, without emotion and have the attitude of "what I ask for, I get". This results in them not having any or little empathy, joy or love for themselves or for other people. 

The parents, have contracted out their children's care to others. These kids, only see the father when he is in the mood to to see them and the mother will eat with them but will not dress them or ever change a babies nappy. The nanny will be the mother and will often love them like a mother. The parents, love their kids but have their own lives, hobbies and interests, that come above hands on care for their kids. They have money and don't need to, or want to, directly look after their children. They pay others to do this dirty work. Many of these kids, from rich Russian families, have never ironed a shirt, made a sandwich or tidied their rooms. Many are sent off to top public boarding schools in the Untied Kingdom and to other countries and then simply continue in the family "business" or just don't work when they are adults. They can grow up, as empty human beings, protected in a vacuum world of money and need and are often disturbed, dysfunctional people. 

Money can buy what you want but it can bring with it, terrible consequences for children who do not know where it comes from or how hard it is to make it. This is worse, if the father stole his fortune or made via illegal or dubious means. These means were created in a country that went through rapid change and in a country with few enforced regulations.

The teachers job

As a hired help, you will be joining a team of other hired helpers but you are a status symbol and an important part of your adopted child's life, to these rich Russian families. If you are British, you have culture, learning and experience and you are like a pet poodle, to these families. You may be hired to teach kids very young kids who don't yet speak Russian, in the belief that you can teach them English, before they can actually speak Russian. Your language, will somehow enter these rich kids, via some form of osmosis. Apart from trying to teach these disturbed, machines English, you also have to be their foreign toy and play partner. You will be expected to take a snow ball in the eye, if they want to play with you in the snow outside. You will be expected to play football with them, sing, draw and paint, although they will probably have other teachers for drawing and singing lessons. You will become their adopted mother, father and friend, although you will be in competition with their nanny, so be careful of what you say and do, as it will most defiantly, be repeated to the nanny, regardless of the truth and she will repeat it to the mother, who could then have you fired and shot and buried in a lonely forest, somewhere in the outer regions of Moscow.

Of course, not all rich kids are hard work and like empty machines. Many can be polite, respectful and educated. Their attitude will all depend on their nannies teaching. If they had a good, caring, open minded Russian nanny, who taught them manners and who disciplined them when they were bad, they will usually be good kids and not a big problem to you. It all depends on their nanny and on their parents "hands on" or "hands off" daily involvement in their childcare. These good kids, within the mega rich are sadly rather rare.  If you get a good kid, with a good nanny, stay at the family and enjoy your high pay. If you have a machine kid and witch of a nanny, walk away or even run away, no high pay will be worth such hard work and headache. They say, Russian nannies have "big hearts" and this is true but they can be so soft with the kids as kids are "from god", some kids, especially rich kids, can be horrible children to be with. Choose your rich family carefully and always do a trial lesson before you agree to take on a rich kid, long term.

You will need to know English and how to teach it and if possible, you will be a parent yourself or you will have taught kids before. If you are none of these things, then you will not last long, teaching these rich, Russian kids. Never shout or raise a hand to a child that you are teaching, especially if they are rich kids and treat them with extreme care, they are Russian royalty and dangerous. Their arrogance, even at the young ages of six or seven, will annoy you but ignore it and think of the great money. Get them to trust you, respect you and like you and your job will be easier and you will last within your new rich, Russians home. Gaining any form of respect, from these rich, Russian kids, will be hard, they will usually only respect you if the nanny does, as she is their boss and adopted mother. 

You have two mountains to climb, when teaching these kids. One is their nanny or nannies respect and the other is the kids respect. If you can achieve these objectives, all will be fine. If you think any of this is an exaggeration, I can promise you it is not. If you teach at a rich Russian family, it will be an interesting experience and will be very good money. It will be a sneaky look into another world that you will never forget. Good luck dear reader and happy teaching. 

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How to - Get sick & recover in Moscow

Here is another "how to edition" in the spirit of public service, on getting sick and recovering in Moscow during the winter. God forbid, I am not talking about any serious illnesses but common ones like colds, that can cause misery to adults and to kids. If you are a parent or teacher, you will become a human sponge to all types of common sickness. This is because you will be in regular contact with green snotty nosed kids and in contact with green spotty nosed adults that you teach English to. You will also catch unpleasant colds from others, when using the metro. This is why many people look like the late Michael Jackson and wear clinical masks. Although they look ridiculous, they are very wise. Mask up or scarf up and stop those germs.

Students of all ages will sneeze at you, offer you a snot covered hand to take a pencil from you and will cough directly into your face, without covering up their mouths. This disgusting habit comes from all ages and all social strata. If you are not a teacher, then you will pick up every known cold directly from your kids when they come home from school or kindergarten (preschool). There are ways to protect and treat yourself and your family and some common medicines here. One, is not have kids, two is is to wear a space suit and, three is to wear rubber gloves and four take a multitude of medicines. Below, I will introduce you to the stars of cold treatments, these medicines are our medical heroes in Moscow. I am not a doctor. I am only a parent, teacher, naked origami specialist, professional eater, poet, writer, singer, freedom fighter, missionary, stay at home dad and dreamer. I will suggest some ideas below, that may help you dear reader and I will mention some well known medicines to look out for if you get a cold here.  

How it starts - The silent tormentor

You will notice your kids nose begins to get snotty, about five to ten days before the cold hits home. He or she will begin to sniff and get slightly moody. Then, the snot, that was a clear dribble, becomes a green torrent and the cough arrives. You will try to prevent tormenting colds from happening. You will wrap up warm, you will wrap your kids up in hundreds of layers of clothing but the dreaded cold will still come. Like a silent ninja or scud missile, it will fly through the air, as a silent projectile, hitting a hand or face and take evil possession of it's innocent host. This invisible, green enemy, will climb the mountain of your nose passage and enter into your throat and lungs, where it will set up camp and spread, making you or your kids feel like total shit. You or your kids will be disabled for about 7 to 10 days, depending on the type of cold and on the degree if severity. You can take millions of vitamins and give your kids vitamins but colds will still get you, regardless of any defenses, as colds are evil. Your wallet will be emptied in medical bills and you will be forced into visiting a doctor here to purge your unwanted visitor. 

Seeing a doctor & popular cures

Doctors here, are usually good. Russian doctors know their stuff and can be relied on to help you. You will arrive at their clinic empty handed and naive but you will leave the clinic with hundreds of packets of tablets, sprays and syrups. I recommend taking a shopping trolley (cart) when you visit the doctor here. For a common cold or a nasty cold, that makes you give up the fight for life, you will be given all kinds of stuff to inhale, swallow or spray. For just a cold, you will leave a clinic here, with three nose sprays, one packet of antibiotics tablets, one packet of antihistamine tablets, inhaling liquid and one bottle of cough syrup.  

It will help if you speak Russian but if you don't and depending on where you go, the doctors will speak some English. Be ready to take notes, as you will need to know how and when to take all your tablets, sprays and syrups. It can get very complicated. A common cold, at a private Russian clinic (that I go to) will cost you anything from 2,000 rubles to 5,000 rubles. If you go to the EMC or AMC, (see Best Posts) this figure, could reach 10,000 rubles. These prices are for one person. If you have two kids that are sick, this price will be a lot higher. I am not sure why doctors suggest so many medicines here. I am not sure if its based on some form of hidden commission to the doctors, via medical supply companies? Perhaps they just prescribe so many tablets, spays and syrups because they are very efficient? I will never know the true reason. However, your bathroom cupboard will soon fill up with unused, half empty bottles, sprays and boxes of tablets. My advice, is to label them up and keep them for next time. You will only be prescribed the same stuff, next time you get sick and see a doctor, so just use them again when you next have a cold. Save yourself money or your insurance company money.

A sore throat, will begin by a dry throat. You will wake up at night, needing to drink litres of water and in the morning your voice will go, or your new cold will start as snot, that will go down to your lungs and will inflame your throat on its way down, making your throat sore. A good treatment for this, will not always need a doctor and will not cost you the Russian state health budget. It's called stop vagina as I call it but it's real name is "Stop Angina". This is a strong spray that can be got from any pharmacy, just ask for "Stop Angina" and not stop vagina or you may get a strange look, as vagina is international. As soon as you notice a soar throat coming, spray your throat with Stop Angina and it should flush it clean away within a day of use. If it does not cure it, then you will need a doctor. Stop Angina, is far too strong for kids, so they can use a spray called "Tantem Verdi" and this helps sooth a sore throat and is mild and sweet. Both of these sprays are herbal.

Many people here, love to eat garlic and take raw ginger. Raw ginger, does work in some cases. You buy a ginger root, peel it, chop it into cubes or mash it. Eat it raw or put it into hot tea. If you eat it as soon as you are getting a cold, it can sometimes stop it within 24 hours. Garlic can be eaten raw, although as a result, you may lose some friends. A better way, is to put it into soup or spread onto bread with some sweet honey. Many Russian's, over the ages of 40 or 50, know their plants and herbs and will suggest natural remedies for colds. One is a drink called Morse (in Russian "Morc" the C is an S). This is forest berry drink, that is a natural antibiotic and has now been manufactured and is sold in shops here. Russian's, often make this drink at home from fresh wild berries. Many plants are natural antibiotics and knowing these, will save you money and will save your stomach form the attacks from prescribed, chemical antibiotics. Listen to a wise, old crazy Russians, they can help you to get better with natural remedies.

Many doctors here, suggest you to spray your nose or your kids nose with a kind of sea water. Don't worry, you won't need to find a sea to bottle this water, you can buy it from a pharmacy. The main sea water star is called "Akva" (Akba, the B is a V) spray your nose or your kids nose, three times a day in the winter and it will flush out any nasty germs. A nebulizor machine is an essential part of a family tool kit here and is used for inhaling vapors. If you have any allergies or asthma, you will need one of these machines. My kids are always using them when they get coughs. The main lung star here, is called "Nazolvan" You put drops of this medicine into the nebulizor mask and inhale it, two to three times a day. "Askoril" is a syrup and is always prescribed here for all coughs and given to kids and to adults. "Zyrtec" is also given to kids and babies, if they have a cough and cannot sleep, it's an antihistamine. If you want a good nights sleep, drug your kids with this by putting 4 to 10 drops on their tongue before bedtime and have sweet dreams.

Because most flats have the heating 'On" switch controlled by the city, (there is no "Off" switch) flats get dry and hot in the winter. Most families here, have a dehumidifier, it is essential. This machine, is filled with water and put in a room at night to add some moisture back into the dry apartment air. If you have kids, you will need at least one of these machines while you live in Moscow.

These medical stars are given every year, by doctors, every time you are sick regardless if they work. To try to fight off colds, always wash your hands and your kids hands when you get home and if you are a teacher and use a metro, try and cover your mouth with a scarf when you are on the train and always wash your hands when arriving and leaving a students house, office or school. Keep healthy dear reader, stop sniffing.

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How to - Get a man's haircut cheaply in Moscow

Finding a salon

You have arrived in Moscow and your hair is getting long and you are starting to look like a cavemen. This situation is common for many a guy that moves to Moscow. If you are married or have a girlfriend, you can ask her to cut your hair. Many guys would shake in their boots and be scared to death at the thought of letting their wife, girlfriend or mother-in-law cut their prized hair. In another "how to" edition, I will shampoo your worries and show you how to get a cheap haircut in Moscow.

Some guys set up home here in Moscow, with a Russian girl and it is very common for Russian men to have their hair cut by their girlfriend, wife or mother. These guys, don't have to worry about finding a cheap salon, if they trust her to do it. Mother usually does it and mothers run this country. In other countries, like the United Kingdom, us hairy men, usually go to a barbers or to a hair salon. To anyone reading this, who does not know what a barbers is, it's generally a very cheap hair salon where only men get their hair cut. Traditionally, barbers offered a haircut and a wet shave. In my own country, I used to go to a barbers. I have never needed fancy designer salons and believe they are a waste of money.

You arrive in Moscow and can't take your hair situation any longer. You look in the cupboard, in your Moscow bathroom and see that hair shaver kit that you got for Christmas, six years ago from your wife's sister. You have never used it. You take it out the box and out of the fake leather wallet and plug it in. The machines makes a high pitched electric buzzing noise, sounding like a mosquito, high on cocaine. It vibrates pleasantly in your hand and for a brief moment, you hold it to your genitals, then with a shaking hand, hover the machine, above your thick, black, long hair, ready to shave. Panic sets in and reason screams at you "don't do it man". You unplug and sheath your electric, devil machine and put it back in its fake leather wallet and throw it in the bathroom cupboard. You sit down, on the edge of the bath, sweating and admire your hair in the mirror, breathing a sigh of relief that you saw hair reason. You tell yourself you must find a hair salon, quickly in Moscow.

There are many here, like in any city. You can pay from 300 rubles to 3,000 and more rubles for a man's haircut. If you can afford it, then you are wasting your time reading this, as I want to tell you how to do it cheaply. Moscow is expensive and I would never pay 3,000 rubles for a haircut. The best way to find a cheap salon (barbers) here, is via an expatriate friend or via a Russian friend. Cheap salons can be found but are well kept secrets. These salons are often hidden under flats, accessed via unmarked old doors, down flights of dimly lit stairs and are treasure places for the mean man, who won't spend his money on fancy hair salons. It will take you a few weeks or months to get an address of a cheap hair salon. When you get this address, keep it for yourself as if other foreigners all go there, the prices will be doubled or tripled. Keep it a secret, only telling very trusted friends.

The haircut experience

Enter your secret, cheap hair salon, like a boy going into Santa's Grotto. Go down the stairs and hear that familiar sound, of hair dryers and notice the faint smell of burning hair. Don't panic, your hair sanctuary is near now. Men in white t-shirts from other regions of Russian, sit on swivel chairs looking bored, they are hairdressers, waiting for their next client. Some are young, some are older, with large stomachs and unshaven faces. Excitement rises up inside you, at last you can get your hair cut by a professional, without robbing a bank!

Don't worry, if you don't speak Russian, it is not necessary. Before you left home, on your hair adventure, you looked on Google under "Google images" and found a selection of men with hair styles that you liked. You printed them off and put them in your shirt pocket. At the salon, you sit down in a comfortable swivel chair, in front of the mirror, while your hairdresser waits for your hair instructions. Using your Smart phone, you ask it how you say "how much for a hair cut and shampoo" in the Russian language. Your phone searches for these eight golden words and you wait, your phone returns the translation to the screen. You put on the speaker and press play, holding it up to the hairdresser, like a deaf idiot. The man replies but you don't understand, him, you panic and show him a piece of paper and pen. He writes the price down. 300 rubles, relief and joy fills your body. It's so cheap you could kiss him. You nod your head, like a fool at a circus and wait for your haircut. Your hairdresser produces a black cape, that he puts over you and he ties a bit of paper towel around your neck, to stop the hair going down your back and making you itch. With a look of a man who has lost all hope, your hairdresser asks you in Russian, how you want your hair. Smiling and feeling very clever, you open your shirt pocked and show him the photo of your chosen hair style. He looks at it, nods and gets out his electric hair cutter, like the one you have at home but never used and he begins his art.

Once he has finished with the electric hair cutter, he gets out his scissors and finish the haircut. The advantage of not speaking the language, is you are not forced into making pointless, polite conversation with your hairdresser. You are left alone, to enjoy the haircut. At these cheap places, you are not offered a coffee or a glossy magazine to read, you simply get a haircut. Smells and noises play with your senses. Burning hair, hair spray and the body odour from your hairdressers armpits fills your nose, while the sound of hairdryers fills your ears. These smells and noises are worth it, as your haircut will be just as good as at an expensive salon but far cheaper. Finding anything cheap in Moscow, is a cause for celebration.

When your hair has been cut, you will be shown to the hair wash area for your shampoo. Fat fingers, will shampoo your hair, with cheap shampoo, that smells of floor cleaner and you will return to your comfortable swivel chair, for the finish, drying and that all important hair gel. You will not be shown the back of your hair with a small mirror to see if it looks OK, (as they do back home) and you will be asked to pay. It will not look much like your photo example but you will give your hairdresser 400 rubles and you will walk out the salon, more handsome than when you walked in and will be one happy, money saving man.


Rules of the hair, Moscow style 

Always ask how much it is before a single, strand of hair is cut. Be ready to spend some time finding your secret salon when you go there for the first time. Don't expect to always get the hair cut you asked for. Finding addresses is hard in any city but even harder in Moscow and harder when you don't speak the language but it can be done, as I have shown. Once you find a cheap place, always use it and always tip the hairdresser fairly.  

Here is a link for a Moscow family hair salon for kids and adults and seems fairly priced for Moscow, (800 r adults, 499 r kids) although I have never tried this salon, so I cannot recommend it's qaulity.

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How to - Be ready for Russian winters

No thanks to mankind's pollution, we luckily still have winters. Winters are not as harsh anywhere, as they were thirty years ago and this is certainly true for Russia but they are still freezing in some parts of the world. When moving to Moscow, you will need to get used to winters. This will involve walking and driving in the snow and you don't want to freeze your tits off. 

Here in my "how to editions" are some tips based on my experience of getting it right when facing a Russian winter.

Winter clothing & protection

Some vain guys, me included, don't like to mess up our hair, we are slaves to hair gel. Unfortunately, if you are a slave to your hair, Moscow will not be for you as you will have to wear a hat outside from about November through to about March. You can style your hair as you want, leave the house and if you did not dry it, your hair will be frozen within ten minutes of being outside. Hats are part of living here and you must cover your ears, as cold winds will whistle through them causing colds, or sore throats and will empty your credit card at one the well known private health clinics here in Moscow. Don't give them more money, protect your health, keep covered up and keep warm. Any guys reading this, will also have to get in touch with their hidden female side and cream up at night time. I do and get through a large tin of Nivea face cream every winter. The harsh, winter winds here, dry up your face and age you. Keep beautiful and look after your skin.

You will need, tights (long johns if you are a man, I call them "man tights") gloves, scarves, thick socks, boots lined with yaks wool but sheep wool will do and ankle high boots made of the finest rubber. All footwear, must be waterproof and non slip. You will also need a knee length coat and leather gloves or ski mittens. Some people, wear ski trousers and these can help keep you warm outside. If you have children, I recommend baby bags, lined with yaks wool that fit onto your pushchair (stroller) and ski outfits. Decathlon do a good range of winter clothing that wont break the bank and are good for adults and children. Vodka and walking on the ice are fun activities but may leave you with a broken arm or a broken leg. Drink at home and stay at home on very cold days.

Be warned, when wearing too many clothes, the more clothes you put on, the longer it will take to undress when you get inside your home or at any other building for example a cafe. The heating systems in Russia are hot and if you don't take all layers off, when inside, you will sweat like Vlad Putin when asked by a judge and jury where all his money comes from. Contrary to popular belief, Russians don't all wear fur lined hats, that look as if they come from a Soviet war war movie, most just wear regular woolen hats or fur hats to go with fur coats. Sure you can look like a tourist and wear one with ear flaps but it's not recommended.

You won't see any dancing bears but you will see some beautiful women wearing very beautiful long fur coats. Fur and the wearing of fur, is not taboo in Russia and I don't subscribe to killing animals for fashion but in some parts of the world, fur coats are a real necessity. Women with a bit of money or who have rich husbands or boyfriends, will wear fur coats in the winter. They come in all colours and lengths. Some look stunning and hang gracefully, while others look like dead ally cats. Fur, is still the best insulator against the cold. If you can find a pair, I highly recommend fur underpants for keeping the family jewels warm on icy cold days. They do tickle a bit but do an excellent job and I never leave home without them when it's below zero.

Winter driving

Don't make the mistake that I did and put antifreeze in your car in December it will be too late. Unless you are lucky enough to have a heated garage, you will have to leave your car outside in winter months. Make a note of the weather outside and fill up your windscreen bottle in early November before the ice arrives. If you don't prepare your car well in advance of the ice, you will have to leave it in a public car park over night to defrost the windscreen washer pipes. You will need antifreeze to clean your windows, as they will get very dirty due to the filthy black snow that covers most of Moscow during the winter months. Antifreeze is disgusting stuff, available in bright blue or green, some insane people drink it. It either smells of sickly lemons or smells like highly concentrated chemicals, which it is. Unfortunately you cannot drive here without it in your car. You will also need a good window scraper for cleaning the snow off you car windscreen before you drive. Save time cleaning your car window of ice. If you have a child or wife, send them down to do it for you, while you keep warm and sip a coffee in front of the TV.

Your car will need a set of winter tyres. Get them all changed in November. The roads are cleared every day but if you leave central Moscow and head out into wild Russia, you will run the risk of getting stuck in deep snow or you could skid of the road. Be careful and be safe. Carry a small shovel in your boot (trunk) if you can, a small flask of Vodka and some chocolate, in case you get stuck in deep snow on a road to deepest shitville. Always carry a mobile phone charger in your car in the winter. Drinking when driving is not very wise at any time of year, least of all in the winter. Don't hit the Vodka, then hit the road or you will hit someone or something.  

Of course, if you are like many expatriates, you may have a driver, in which case all of this advice will be meaningless information to you. Relax, sit in the back of the car, feel nice and warm in your fur underpants and sip a Vodka cocktail on your way to see Olga, for some horizontal winter sports.
 
Winter walking

This can be dangerous in Moscow in the winter and in the summer. In the summer, lumps of old building often fall off and drop down onto heads, cars or onto the pavement (sidewalk) in Moscow streets. Never walk close to old buildings at anytime of the year, especially if they are covered in snow or thick ice. In the winter months, large icicles often hang down from the roof ledges and can turn people into human ice creams. Men employed by the city, often clear the roofs of snow and ice but be careful, especially if you have a baby or child with you, keep one eye upwards and one eye ahead when walking in the city. 

Black snow is the curse of everyone in Moscow, who walks it's streets in the winter. Black snow sits in icy puddles close to the pavement. When huge cars fly by, you could get a very cold, unwanted black ice shower. The other danger of black ice, is when stepping off the pavement onto the road to cross. Step off the pavement and sink knee deep into an icy black soup. To avoid this from happening, take your time and check carefully before stepping off the pavement and onto the road. Good luck dear reader and keep warm.

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