How to - Use a Moscow gym

You have just arrived in Moscow. The lack of exercise and excessive quantities of chocolate cake that you have been eating in recent months, have made your belt far too tight. It's time to burn that fat, get out and join a gym. In Moscow, you can go for super luxury, (VIP) mid range or crap. Joining a gym in Moscow, is vital if you are a stay at home parent as it will get you out the flat. Joining a gym here is also necessity rather than a luxury, as the winters are cold and long and jogging outside is a bad idea and a dance with death. There are many gyms to choose from.

Posh gyms

Luxury gyms such as "World Class" and others are VIP clubs and can cost from 3,000 - 4,000 euro a year. To join, you will mix with Louis Vuitton types, trophy dog owners and some very vain people. If you don't mind this and can afford it, then go for it. The changing rooms will have rain showers, free quality soap and will be clean and luxury. The pool will be large, beautiful, warm and child free. Louis Vuitton types, don't want their hair soaked by splashing devil kids and want to lay by the pool, showing off their pedicures, manicures, waxes and sunbed tans. The swimming pool areas are like luxury spas. This type of gym, will have very good equipment and should be open all night. If you don't have children or don't like children and can pay for this type of club, then join this type of club and join an exclusive life style. Buy into a dream.

Down market gyms

I have no direct experience of such a places, so cannot really make any solid suggestions, although I have visited some places here, to get an idea of what they were like. These clubs are for serious body builders and wackos. Many of these guys, like to chase the sausage, so be warned if that's not your style of eating. These places usually have good basic weights, basic showers and no swimming pool. These places can contain some very strange men. If you want to pump iron and pump something else, then join this type of gym.

Mid range gyms

These clubs are expensive but not as expensive as "luxury". They often offer a family membership.  A single membership is cheaper than luxury, while a family membership for two adults and one child will be the same as a single membership at a luxury gym. These gyms have free or cheap childcare facilities, that are supervised by professional childminders. The kids room, will have an activity center, child high tables, games and a kids toilet. You can leave your child at one and head on up to the gym, swimming pool or coffee shop, for a few hours of "me time". They will have a swimming pool. The pools in these places are often long, cold and narrow and will have fanatic crazy swimmers, hairy swimmers and screaming kids. These pool areas are not "spas" but are fun splash zones, that are noisy and wet.

Some Russians, swim how they drive, so if you are in the pool and in their way, they will not signal or wait and will swim through you in their splashing rush to flop over and head back the way they came in the pool. Stay in your lane and keep your eyes open for on oncoming swim traffic. Splashing water and aerobics are constant and you won't find much peace to chill at these pools. The gym will be very well equipped and there will be helpful, professional trainers around to help you to train or offer you private coaching. These trainers are very good and have studied physical fitness are athletes or ex athletes.

The pool will sometimes have a small, separate child's pool. The club will have a sauna, steam room and sometimes a Jacuzzi. The changing rooms will be a bit tired looking but the lockers will be large and the changing rooms should have free hairdriers, cotton buds for cleaning your ears and cheap free soap in the showers. These clubs get very busy and can be open from 6 am to 11 am and sometimes open all night.

How to use a mid range gym

First you must join. If you are a man, it will be hard not to join, as these clubs, hire a collection of young, attractive girls to show you around the gym and to join you up to the club. They will wear very tight short skirts, high heels and will look sexy but cheap. Your male hormones will be fighting your wallet, logic and financial sense, so you will probably join up with your tounge on the floor. You will leave the club, in a lusty daze and ask yourself what the fuck you just did. Once you have cooled down and put your hot credit card away, you will not regret joining, as these clubs will give you what you need in terms of fitness and facilities. These clubs are good. However, in Russia, there is sill very poor or no customer service and once your money has been taken, you are on your own. If you are not happy about some aspect of the club later, you will have no come back or refund. Visit several before you choose one to join.

Once you are a member, you will enter the club doors. Put blue, plastic shoe covers over your shoes. Russians are obsessed with these things and cover their shoes up everywhere, I often think they wear them to bed. Go up the steps, give your card to a pretty girl at the reception and she will give you a locker key and a towel card. Go to the coat woman and leave your coat with her, she will give you a coat ticket token. Russians are obsessed with coat rooms and always leave their coats with a women, at public buildings. When you have left your coat with coat woman, give your plastic card towel token, to another women and she will give you two towels, one small, one big. Head on down to the men or women's changing room. Find your locker and change.

Once in the gym, do your exercise. Russians don't usually follow a weights "etiquette". By this, I mean, they won't always expect you to finish your set of weights or expect and allow you to rest between your lifting sets, they will just want to jump in on your machine. Don't get stressed or intimidated. Tell them to wait and finish your sets. Waiting and common manners, are not always obvious among Russians in Moscow and this is apparent in the pool, in the gym, in the shops and on the roads The gym should have excellent running machines with Internet and computers. The running machines will also have televisions but all of the channels will be in Russian, "MTV" is not the music channel we are used to. The machines will usually have multiple language selection, so don't worry you will know how to select your running, cake burning program if you don't speak Russian.

The gym will contain man hunters. When I say this, I mean it will contain very pretty girls wearing very tight, sexy exercise clothing, who are hunting for men, preferably wealthy men. If you are a single expatriate, working for a top international company, or recently divorced, then you should be able to secure yourself some prime, Russian real estate, in the form of Russian ladies. However, these women have been known, not to care if a man is married or not, so be careful guys. If you look good and have muscles, you will be eaten alive. If you are married, be strong and don't encourage them. Focus on the weights and don't be tempted to flirt.

When you have finished in the gym, you can have a sauna. Russians call a sauna a Banya. They think a sauna is Finish and is dry heat. Their Banya is actually a sauna as we know it but don't upset them or get into an argument about the differences between a sauna and a Banya, it's not worth it. They wear funny hats in the sauna (sorry Banya). This is to protect their hair and blood vessels, you will look odd without one. These hats are soft and white and come in different shapes and sizes. You can put water on the hot coals and this is encouraged. Russians like it hot and a "Banya" is a great place to chat and to relax. If you don't like a sauna, you can have a steam room. Russians accurately call this a Hamam. It is a Turkish wet room and not as hot as a sauna (Banya).

When you have finished your Banya, Hamam or traffic accident swim, change and return the dirty towels, return the locker key and don't forget your coat. Leave the club, making sure you don't walk down the street still wearing your blue plastic shoe covers and join the Moscow smoke, to head home or to the office, with your body toned, marriage in place and your dignity intact. 

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How to - Be a stay at home dad

Here is another edition of "How to" this time, the focus of discussion is on how to be a stay at home dad (SAHD). I have written before about this in relation to stay at home mothers and fathers but never specifically on stay at home fathers, living abroad. It's now time to open up the box of experience and share with you dear reader some suggestions on how to be a stay at home dad, living abroad.



A new arrival

Most men who get a baby home, know that their role is for a limited period of time and that they can run for the hills. The wife (or girlfriend), will carry the baby for I think, nine months and then, squeeze it out, by some miracle of nature, into this crazy world of ours. The man's involvement thus far, was limited to about five minutes of pushing and grunting and then deep sleep. The wife arrives home from the hospital and will stay with her baby for a few months or for a few years, until the child is old enough to go to kindergarten (I believe this is now called "preschool"). The man's, part time role, is limited to changing an occasional nappy, feeding the baby and taking baby out for a walk to the park, taking photos of it on his iPhone . He knows he has an escape and can leave his baby at home with is wife, while he goes to work to make a living to bring home the dollar. Being a stay at home parent, mum or dad is very hard work and the more babies you have, the tougher it gets. For a number of years, life is without parole.
 
In the case of a stay at home dad, he has no escape, zero pay, a dead resume (CV) and will usually be with his baby from birth until kindergarten or school. Being left home alone, with a baby while your wife goes to work is scary, being left alone with a baby in a foreign country, where you do not know anyone or speak the language is totally terrifying. It can be compared to living on the moon with a set of IKEA furniture, without any instructions or instructions written only in Chinese. It takes time to get used to and time to learn what to do. This excludes a hole host of other issues that you will face when living in a place like Moscow. I can't mention them all here but will highlight the very basics below (see best posts).

Baby care, equipment & routine

Your wife will be working hard and often very long hours, in her expatriate posting. If you can afford a nanny, hire one to help you for a few hours a day, so you can get outside on your own for some chill time. Make sure your nanny is fat, middle aged and not a hot babe or you could invite disaster later on, if your willy breaks free from his anchor. Hire an ugly whale and one that speaks some basic English. Russian nannies are a new level of experience and I have written about them before, see best posts.

Babies basically do 3 things, sleep, eat and shit, much like you did when you were a teenager. Sometimes all of these things at once. You will need a good supply of nappies (Pampers are the best) a changing table or mat, milk powder, plastic baby bath, wet wipes, baby bottle steriliser, thermometers, plenty of baby bodies, baby water, baby bottle warmers, socks, hats, many dummies (excluding you, if you are a SAHD), Moses basket, music boxes (powered by battery), night lights and a very good, strong pushchair (stroller) for the Moscow winters. You will need a host of other stuff such as medicines (creams & syrups), good health insurance and a good sense of humour. See this excellent funny set of photos, if you are a parent you will laugh.

Being in Moscow, brings with it additional equipment requirements, such as, a warm wool lined baby bag, that goes inside your pushchair and very warm baby clothing. If you are lucky, your new bundle of joy will sleep most of the night, if you are unlucky, your baby will wake up every few hours, anything from six months to fifteen months and more, until your baby gets used to sleeping all night, it will be a sleep deprived hell. Babies usually, wake up wanting milk or a nappy change or sometimes both. Your wife may have breast fed while she was at home but now it's over to you to use a baby bottle. You are now in charge and you are the feeder, poo cleaner, doctor, clown and father.

Baby bottle feeding, is scary at first but once you know the quantities, you will be faster than a top cocktail maker, in a top bar at preparing your babies, bottled milk. Find a good brand of baby bottle and buy at least six baby bottles, for nights and when you go out for walks. The right size nipple and milk delivery flow is vital. Nipple sizes are a separte lecture for a rainy day, dear reader. You will need a spare supply of ammunition (ready made bottles) to feed a screaming baby. Speed and delivery of the milk, is vital and takes practice to get right, to stop a crying or screaming baby. Baby won't wait for you and will get very angry. Before bed time, prepare two bottles and keep them at arms reach from your bed as you will need to spring out of bed, faster than a ninja and feed your baby, while your wife snores next to you, exhausted from her days work. Forget any ideas of sex, TV or reading for at least six to twelve months, although sometimes this can be years and decades longer.

Some parents use a baby monitor. In my opinion these are a gimmick and marketing con, as you will hear if your baby is not sleeping or unwell and always use a zip up baby bag. Many sensible parents, keep their baby in their bedroom for the first three months, as this is the dangerous time for a new born  baby. Put your baby on of the mattress, in the baby cot bed, without any blanket or pillow. Keep the window shut in the winter and don't put the cot any where near central heating, a missile test range, an open fire or an open window.

Babies sleep, often and take small sleeps. They have a nice life of eating, sleeping and shitting. Follow their routine as I did. Become a big baby. You will be at home all day, so when baby sleeps, you will sleep, when baby eats you will eat. Eat baby food if you want to but I think you will soon feel hungry. Don't feed your baby cake, pizza, sushi or McDonald's.  Take your baby out for walks at least two times a day, mornings and afternoons. The fresh air will help baby to be sleepy and get you out the flat. Take them out at about 10 am or 11 am, get them  home and feed them, they should then sleep. If they are difficult sleepers, you can use technology, I don't mean hard drugs, I mean sounds man. I played a recorded sound of ocean waves, that I got free off the Internet. Put baby in his portable baby basket, (see equipment above)  next to the speaker (not a sub woofer or baby will have no ears) and turn on the sound on a low volume. Pillow up the sofa, imagine you are on a beach and not in Moscow and get some down time with baby and sleep. You should get and hour or so of sleep (subject to Russian "remont", see best posts) and these day time, sleeps (naps) will help you to recover from your bad nights sleep, if your baby is a screamer, as my second one was and still is is. Babies and small kids, like daily routines, by set times, follow a daily routine from birth and it will make bed times and feeding a lot easier. 

Changing a nappy is not so frightening. After a while, it can be done in seconds. Put your baby on the changing table, face up, not on the kitchen table or on the bathroom floor. Take off their body (a piece of clothing like teddy, camiknicker but worn by babies, rather than hot women). Have a wet wipe ready and a plastic bag to put the used nappy in. Take the dirty nappy off and bag it. Put the new nappy on, with the sticky tags at the top, remove any poo and clean the toilet area (don't itch your nose when doing this) and tape on the new nappy. Cream bottom, (the babies, not yours). Put the clothes back on and deposit your baby, in baby chair or on the living room carpet. Throw the baby nappy into the trash rather than out the window of your 10th floor flat and relax.

Coping with unwanted opinions 

Being a stay at home dad is hard, being a stay at home dad, in a role divided society like Russia is very hard. Men don't do babies, except make them and Russian women generally believe that men know nothing about how to look after a baby. The same can be said for most women anywhere but in Russia, attitudes are a lot worse. Don't get angry if women at playgrounds tell you to put your babies hat on when its + 10, don't be annoyed when they tell you off in the street for not putting a scarf on or gloves. They will even take your baby or small child off you and redress them for you, if you have not done it in a certain way that is expected. Don't get annoyed when expatriate mothers give you looks of bemusement and don't take it personally when you may be ignored at playgrounds. These women, (Russians and some expat women) have the opinion, that men simply don't care for babies and you are committing a vile crime against gender roles and against gender expectations. You scare them, you are a freak.

Any thirty something expatriate couples that you meet, who have not got kids will either treat you with respect or will assume you do nothing all day and are on holiday all year. Again, don't get annoyed with them, resist the urge to lightsaber them into two. They have only ever been used to looking after themselves, having wild sex, taking regular holidays and going to bars, restaurants and night clubs. Smile to yourself, feel slightly bitter and raise one finger to them in your mind, as you know what lays in store for them later on if one day they join the "baby club". You know what they will have to do and what they will lose, so don't feel any rage just chill out. Karma will come dude.

You may find this post useful and it links it to this one, with reference to below.

Positive mental attitude

Being a SAHD, is hard work, it's not all TV, beer, wild women and sleeping all day. Having a baby, changes your life forever. You will never again have the freedom you once had. Of course there are exceptions, for those who have a full time, part time or a team of nannies on call to do their baby care for them and I have met these types in Moscow. These people are fortunate but will miss out on something that will only come once or twice in their adult lives. If they are at the gym or out shopping at all times, when their new born a baby is at home with their nanny, they will miss out on a bonding and an experience that simply has no price. Baby years, only come once for you and your child. If you can be at home it will be tiring but better.

The looks and judgements from some mothers and fathers who are not SAHD, will at times hurt you but toughen up dear reader and ignore them. Their attitude is based on ignorance and on old fashioned jealousy. You are lucky to be part of your kids life from a young age. You may not always be around later on in your kids lives but you and your child will benefit greatly from your role a SAHD in far too many ways to mention. Mainly, your child will feel loved and secure in ways that most children who only see their kids in the evenings never experience. In my opinion, all kids should have a mother, father and at least one full time parent at home during their early years, from the ages of zero to about  three. Of course, this is not always possible due to money needs and broken homes and this is possibly why so many kids these days are delinquents or very unhappy, later on in life.

Be strong SAHD's, make friends with other SAHD's who are actually SAHD and not frauds with full time nannies, make friends with open minded mothers and get out. Don't stay locked at home. Your role as SAHD is not forever, ride out the storm, learn from it and and be a winner. The job is not for all and some sink, while some swim, positive mental attitude (PMA) is the key to survival. May the force be with you. Power to the nappy!

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Bed time stories

I'm sitting on the sofa and my eldest, yet small child says "F***". I cough up my chocolate biscuit and look at him with mixed feelings. I feel proud that he can say this word, yet horrified that he should. I ask him how did you know this word? He is only small, he tells me two boys at school said it. I have since learnt that no matter how sweet our kids are, they do lie. Angels with machine guns.

I make a note to myself to find out where he got this word from and plan to interrogate the mothers of these two boys. I must be diplomatic, as these accused boys may not be the dictionary salesman that I think they are. 

I am not like many people in more ways than one but above all, I do not believe in adding swear words to every other word when I speak. I generally, I only swear, if I hit my toe or if some dickhead cuts me up on a Moscow road. I put my hand down the side of the sofa after my kid has told me his new word, from his new, colourful dictionary and find an old banana skin, an eaten apple and a mountain of stale raisins to add insult to injury. I get the hoover out feeling tired and clean under the cushions. It's 8.30 pm and time for bed for both my kids. My wife won't be home until after 9 pm, it's like this most nights. I often feel I am single parent but work is work and my wife works like a total slave to make her money here. We all do out share in our family team? I certainly have the best deal in this story, although I am unpaid.

There is a skill to juggling two balls and two kids and I have managed to do both, being a super hero dad that I am. The secret, is by manipulation, lies and love. I take baby and my bigger kid into their shared bedroom. We follow the same ritual as every night. Three or four stories and three cuddles, while baby rocks back and forth in his baby chair on the bedroom floor like a kid on turbo charge. Wet dribble runs down his mouth and he smiles wildly up at us, as his chair pounds back and forth on the floor beneath him. I am on the second story. I speed through the plot as I've done it a thousand times before but my kid is no fool and won't let me miss a page or a detail, "My tie is a scarf for a cold giraffe, but look at me up and down, I'm the smartest giant in town" and I'm the tiredest dad in town. 

We hear the door ring, on our Russian front door, it makes the sound of a constipated bird. We both go to open it. My bigger boy jumps out of bed and runs behind me to the door in his Spider-man payjamas, I'll have to start the sleep procedure all over again. I open two of the locks but the second lock needs a key. Russian doors are safe, very safe, metal and strong. Often, Moscow flat doors, have two or three locks and a second door. Ours has two solid doors, that could survive TNT. This door security, must be a habit from the past when an "agent" would take people away for a "talk" and they would never return home. I find the key and open the door, like a jailer with a huge key, I turn the lock. An elderly man, with a fat, round tummy, wearing stripped pyjamas, is standing at my door. He speaks to me in Russian. I know why he is here. I say "sorry I don't understand" like a rude, affronted English man, I smile and close it in his face. I wearily scoop my kid up in my arms and we return to the thrilling adventure of the "Smartest Giant in town". I move baby off the wooden floor and onto the carpet rug as his rocking is keeping the old man awake below us.

I kiss my kid goodnight and carry baby out into the living room. I must act fast, as he is crying now and wants a bottle and so do I, but Vodka will have to wait. I make a bottle in the kitchen. 6 scoops of baby power, 180 ml of baby water, 30 seconds in the microwave, top on, shake bottle, grab a dummy and pick up baby from the living room carpet and go to mummy and daddy's room, as that's where he likes to fall asleep. 

We had five dummies but now only have two left, where are they all? I put baby in his green zip up baby bag. These bags, are like mini sleeping bags, with holes cut out for the arms to poke out of. I lay him in the centre of our parental bed, with pillows either side of him. He is now at the stage where he can flip over like a fish on a river bank and so must be corralled inside a makeshift pen of pillows, for his own protection. I lay beside him and put the bottle in his mouth. It's very soothing to hear a baby slurping on a milk bottle. You hear slurping and small satisfied sighs of joy, it's almost hypnotic. It's all going slurpingly, then I hear soft sobs coming from my other kid. "Daddy, cuddle rocking chair", "no" I shout "a quick cuddle, not rocking chair", baby begins to cry, my left eye is beginning to twitch again. I rush to rock my other kid in my arms, promise the park tomorrow, which is a lie, as I'll be out and put him back into bed. I tell him I love him (which is absolute) and rush back to baby in his corral of pillows on our bed. One happy customer, one left to go!

Suddenly, I hear the front door open, its my wife. I've fallen asleep next to baby, time has moved on, two hours in fact. She eats the dinner that I made and goes on her laptop to check work emails. Bed time comes, I scoop up baby and put him back in his shared bedroom and my wife and I, collapse into bed both exhausted. Time moves forward.  2 am baby cries, I'm sucked away from my dream of smoking penguins and talking giants. I get him from his room and grab the bottle I made before bed and feed him, my wife is fast asleep. He lays between us, while I am hanging on the edge of the mattress trying not to fall out. A cat screams rape outside and I fart, baby wakes up. My wife snores next to us, a bomb could not wake her up. Baby eventually falls asleep and so do I. 

This situation dear reader, could be anywhere and experienced by any parent but we are in Moscow. Moscow and kids, are life changing events but an experience worth having. Perhaps one day, baby will sleep all night, we can only hope so.

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How to - Food shop in Moscow

If you move to Moscow with your family, then you will become a drone to the monthly or weekly supermarket shop. Old habits die hard and trips to the supermarket can fill you with joy or dread. These days supermarkets are a necessary evil and part of our lives. Many us of us, me included, hate supermarkets but still go. Moscow has one main big one called Auchan and it's a giant among international chains. They are dotted all over Moscow, like rash on your bottom.

Here, they resemble a disorganized food fight, in a mental asylum. Despite this, they do however contain everything that you will need for your family and to get to one, you will ideally have a car. In another "how to edition", I will now give some suggestions on food shopping in Moscow, after being here for 3 years, I have found out the hard way. I am a SAHD and all round super hero, food shopping and cooking for my family, is one small part of my life here in Moscow. You can get everything you need from Auchan, if you have a family of four, you should go once a month and fill up two carts (shopping trollies).

At the supermarket

The best time to go to an Auchan, is as soon as it opens. Drive there on a weekday or on a Saturday or Sunday, park up and head on in. The carts (shopping trollies) are free and you will usually get a parking space without too much of a fight. Getting there early, will give you a window of sanity and space and will give you about an hour of semi normal shopping, before the mad rush and food fight begins. 

Be methodical and hit the shop with a strong plan of attack. Cart up and with your shopping list in hand, hit the ground running. Load up with toilet paper and follow the alleyways of food and goods in a logical fashion, food grabbing fashion. Take with you some strong shopping bags from IKEA, as these will be very useful when you unload the car at home and make the several trips up and down the lift to your flat with the shopping.

If you see something you like, buy many of them as in Moscow, they don't tend to follow consumer trends and the next time you go there may not be any of the things you like. Never assume it will be there next week or next month, buy in bulk. Move fast round the supermarket and grab and chuck as you go, like a junky on speed. I can recommend the frozen pancakes and grated carrot. The pancakes are tasty and very good if eaten with Smetana. The grated carrot is good when eaten with smoked salmon and can be spicy or non spicy. After 60 minutes or so, people will start to drift in and the shopping experience begins to get stressful as people push and jockey for position on the supermarket floor. Be quick and get your veg and fruit. I don't recommend buying this from a supermarket but if you have no time, then get everything you need at Auchan. They don't have exotic veg and fruit and it is not presented artistically or nicely. You can get the standard basics. Weigh up, bag up and get out. Head for the check out tills. You may like to read "Auchan - Moscow style".

The checkout till queues (lines) can often be very long and guard you space with your life. It's far better if you can go shopping with your husband or wife, as one can unload while the other bags up. Alternatively, get your teenage kids to carry your bags, after all, they should earn their keep. A word of warning, always check your bill. I have been over charged and charged two or three times for one item. Don't leave the shop till you have examined your bill. If in doubt, shout and cause a scandal until you get your money back. Being polite does not pay here, when it comes to being cheated bark like a dog. He who shouts loudest really does win. It's a power game and Russians love to play power games. They have had years of practice.

Markets & other food sources

I often go to one of the many outdoor fruit and vegetable markets. It is good to be outdoors and the quality is far better than at any Auchan. These markets sell, pine nuts, fish, seeds, sweets, fruits, vegetables, mushrooms and other things. Don't worry if you don't speak Russian, like a village idiot, just dumbly point at what you want with a grubby finger and smile at the market seller or just bag up what you want and give it to the woman. She will usually show you the price on her very large calculator, so you can see the total. They don't usually cheat people and are often very friendly and helpful. 

Another option is to use Utkonos. This is an online home delivery service. I use it once a month. They are not expensive and offer you a ball park delivery time as either "morning" or "afternoon". If you order, be at home as they could come at anytime, including at 10 pm or 11 pm at night. They will carry all your shopping to you door and are paid in cash. Credit card payments here, for home deliveries are not usual in Moscow. Please check you bags before the man leaves, as they often forget to bring you what you have ordered. Despite their serious faults, this service is very useful and worth using, if you are lazy or pushed for time. Try it.

A popular shop, as used by well to do, liquid Russians and very well paid expatriates, is a shop called Azbuka. This is the Harrods of Moscow. Food is presented as it should be and stacked, unbruised and artistically in nice arrangements. You can buy fine cheeses, wines, fruit, meat and soft drinks. However, the price is not nice and frankly very overpriced. I use this shop occasionally for special meals or for treats. Your food is packed for you by low paid women and if you ask, it can be carried to your car for you. Don't expect much for you money but go for a special treats or for those things that you love and can't find anywhere else in Moscow. 

If you are lucky, you can get a "Metro" card. I am not a talking about a metro ticket but the popular food warehouse. This will save you big bucks in Moscow and this card is hard to come by unless you know the right people. I usually go for a big shop once a month, then ist done and finished. I usually buy small things from local shops as I need them. Utkonos, is great for ordering heavy stuff, like milk, baby water, orange juice, nappies etc. Surprisingly, a monthly shop here at Auchan, is far cheaper than back home. Although clothes are more expensive, big supermarket shopping is good value here and won't break the bank.

Happy shopping and happy eating. 

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How to - Travel around Moscow

You find yourself in the big city of Moscow, you don't speak a word of Russian and you need to get to an address. You can panic and let your pants fill up, stay locked at home, get outside and get to where you want to go. It is possible to find anywhere in any city, so do not be afraid dear reader. You do not need to speak Russian. Let me take you by the hand and show you how to do it from another "how to" edition.

 

Electronic tools

Most people that walk upright, now have a computer or a phone with the Internet. In an ideal world, you will have the Internet, a computer or tablet and an ink printer. The Internet will give you a map of where you want to go. Simply use "Google Maps", type in the address in English or a metro station and it will produce a map. You can them print this out, study it and put it in your pocket. If you have a mobile phone, (handy/cell phone) it will probably have some map on it. Google maps speaks, is the best tool for finding any address, in any city, anywhere in the world. Type in the address and it should speak to you to tell you when to turn left, right or go straight on. The voice is usually American but the directions are usually good to very good. If you find yourself waist deep in a river, or facing a large tree, then the map has sent you the wrong way. If you don't live in the 21st century and have come here by a time machine (as I have done), then you can use a paper based map, they are called "books" and were once widly used by most people.

It is always best to get the person you are going to see, to give you good directions and can be a lot of fun as prepositions are very hard for non native speakers and giving directions will give them a lot of practice and you some cruel, linguistic pleasure. In reality, they will probably say use Yandex ( a popular search engine in Russia) or Google maps. Kiss your loved ones goodbye and head out into the big city. 

By foot

If you are trying to find somewhere in Moscow by foot, I advise you to have two legs, keep calm and allow plenty of time to get to where you want to go (at least an hour or two). It will help, if you have some basic understanding of the Russian alphabet. You won't need to recite the Russian trade code, (although I'm sure it would be fun) but you will need to know what Russian letters are. This is because the street signs are all in Russian, with the exception of some rare signs that are for tourists. The street signs are usually high up (sometimes missing) on the walls and Russian street numbering, is a degree subject of great learning. Blocks, have many entrances and are numbered in an upside-down logical way, that makes Chinese look very easy. 

The "ground floor" in Russia, is actually the first floor, so if you arrange to meet a person on the first floor, don't panic just stay in the entrance area on the ground floor and keep calm. A security guard, will look at you as if you have just asked to sleep with his wife, don't worry security guards are every where in Moscow, everyone is seen as a thief.  If you arrange to meet a person at their flat in Moscow, I suggest you keep calm, take a small Vodka and have your phone ready to call for "help" when you inevitably will get lost. This is because blocks of flats in Moscow are HUGE, with large gardens with multiple entry doors. I always, ask the person I am meeting to describe the building and entrance door, so I know which one to use but I still get lost. 

If you are a charming guy, lost, sad or not ugly, target a pretty girl that looks vaguely intelligent and she will probably speak some English and will help you. I always do and have often been shown right to the door by a girl when I was lost. I don't know if its because I am charming, ugly or if she felt sorry for me but it always works for me and can work for you. The same can be said if you are a girl but don't target a guy who has no teeth, smells of beer at 9 am or who smells heavily of pee. Be safe and be sensible. Never go anywhere alone at night if you have not been to a place before and try to go with a friend or take a trusted taxi service. Russian people are usually very happy to help a foreigner find his or her way to an address and will often take you there saying "follow me".

By car

In Russia, it is hard to turn left, which is strange as the country was once very left politically speaking. The roads are vast and busy, so you will need to be brave and focused if you intend to go somewhere by car. You can turn left but only at certain points on the road where there are broken lines, if in doubt, follow other cars. You can usually turn left at bridges and at traffic lights. If you miss your left turn, you may be trapped and forced to travel to Siberia before you can eventually find a left turn, to back to your missed turning. Turning right, is far easier and a lot less stressful. If you need to turn left or right, get in the correct left or right lane. Do this with care, as road lanes are often guarded to the death by drivers and if you go in front of a driver, you are committing a violation on their space and they will often drive back in front of you to send you a message that it is their lane, their road and their city so "fuck off". The use if your indicator and signalling is unnecessary in Moscow and a signal device is only in your car as a novelty decoration, just look in your mirror and move to the left or right, do not signal. 

Use you mobile phone map to help you find where you are are going keeping one eye ahead as you drive and don't spill your coffee. If you not speak Russian or read Russian, the road signs will be impossible to read and you will die and crash in a ball of flames. Driving in Moscow is stressful and trying to read road signs in Russian is very dangerous, please don't try it dear reader. Let your phone help you or take a friend to direct you.

By public transport

Being an openly, self confessed snob, I try to avoid public transport what ever the city, as I don't wish to travel with common people and to breath in garlic, body smells or stale breath but on occasions, public transport is the safest and cheapest method to get from Z to W. I won't repeat "How to use the Moscow metro" here but the system is fast, cheap and easy to use once you have mastered the system. You can download, free Moscow metro maps, to your telephone and this will save your life if you are lost on the metro. If you are guy, do as I have said above. You can use a bus or tram. I have never used a tram, as I am a coward but I'm told they are cheap and easy to use and are powered by something called electricity. I have used a bus they are slightly unreliable but are cheap and can be a social adventure and a fragrant adventure. Carry a pack of disinfectant wet wipes to clean any seat before you sit down on a bus, tram or metro. If a loony starts speaking to you, move seats. Never make eye contact and dont show emotion.

Traveling on public transport, will give you a taste of the city and peek into the alien life forms that inhabit your chosen city abroad. 

Bicycle, motorbike and other forms of transport

Bicycles and motorbikes, are not recommend, unless you are brave, insane or have a death wish. Having a Russian driver will take all the stress away. Let your bottom, be gently caressed by soft BMW leather, while you sit in the back seat reading the newspaper, sipping a coffee. Many expatriates and Russians have drivers and although expensive, they are a wonderful luxury in a place like Moscow. 

Many Russians just flag down a driver in a private car if they need a lift. It's a form of hitchhiking, that you pay for. You will need to speak Russian to do this and negotiate the price before you get in. If the driver has a large chainsaw on the back seat, a handcuffed, sweating man or any chickens, don't get in the car. I personally would never hitchhike anywhere alone.  

Happy journey and be safe.


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How to - Set up home in Moscow

 A new home

The key to happiness in Moscow is linked to your new home, as well as to your positive mental attitude (PMA) see "how to - Survive Moscow". The location is vital, as is the layout and decor of your flat. Home is where the heart is, where ever you may live. If you move to Moscow as a single teacher, then you will probably share with others or be given a free flat by the school that hires you. If you move to Moscow as an expatriate, with your family to work, then you must ensure you are given a good flat allowance as you will have to live in the central areas of Moscow. Prices for a two bedroom flat, as at today's date, go from about 2,200 euro and can go up to and over 5,000 euro per month. Some expatriates I have seen, get all or most of their rent paid, on flats costing from 3,500 euro a month and more. The most popular areas are Patriarchy Pond and anywhere close to a central metro station. You cannot walk in the pond area, without seeing or hearing a well to do expatriate wife, who is British or American. It is the best location to be among other expatriates and is the BHQ (breast head quarters) for many mothers. Flats are advertised by how many rooms there are, not by the number of bedrooms. Also be careful about advertized measurements. The size stated in the flat advert may not be the reality and can be down to some very creative measuring. I use the word "flat" to mean apartment, forgive me dear reader, I'm only British.

Some expatriates here, are married to Russians. These Russians then do up and renovate an old family flat and rent it out to expatriates for crazy prices, while they and their foreign partners live in London, Los Angeles or New York. I saw one flat advertised on the Face book site "Children In Moscow" for 9,000 USD per month. These type of flats are expensive but if you get a good rent allowance from your company, you can afford such places. They are usually beautifully restored and very "bling bling" and top end designer. Your rent payment provides the owner with a monthly salary for doing absolutely nothing, so be assured your money, or your employers money, is funding their lifestyle. The expatriate community directly funds a whole industry, from moving companies, health care centres, nanny agencies, real estate agencies, schools, kindergartens and helps the GDP (Gross Domestic Product) of the Philippine Islands. The expatriate community has needs and these needs are fed by companies here in Moscow. Moving companies are a subject of experience for another post and I will list the good and the bad, another time. 

The following suggestions are aimed at expatriates sent to Moscow, to work in high, well paid employment positions. Anyone that moves to Moscow to be with a Russian loved one, will have a flat, any teacher that moves here, should be given a basic flat. Of course a water machine, a lift, the internet, a TV package, a mobile phone may be considered a luxury by some, while others may see these things as vital. I make no judgement or comment on that.

Moscow is a tough old lady, what ever your reason is for being here. Harsh winters, short hot summers, crazy prices, unhidden corruption, blinding wealth, stark poverty, remont (renovation projects on an Olympic scale) and upside down thinking. However, the city has a lively culture and incredible history. Moscow is a fascinating old lady to know and to see. Grab hold of her apron strings and be pulled away on a carpet ride adventure, that you will never forget. Replace your usual head and screw on a Russian one, it will make your moving experience far better.

The basic requirements

If you have kids, you will need to rent a flat with a good sized lift. This may seem obvious, but you must make sure the lift is big enough to fit your pushchair (stroller) and indeed you, if you have eaten too many cakes, like me. Generally, Moscow lifts are narrow, shaky, old and a gamble, so make sure the lift is OK before you sign your contract. In reality, I am not sure if they are checked for safety but now thanks to the new mayor of Moscow, most of the lifts in blocks of flats in Moscow, are slowly being replaced, perhaps because he has a business interest in a lift manufacturing company?

High end flats, usually have a "concierge". This is usually some half asleep old man or woman, who sits in the entrance area, smoking or watching TV all day and not actually doing a thing. Some run the building with a Nazi efficiency, while many just doze all day. Having a concierge in a building, adds kudos value and will reflect in your rent price, regardless of the quality of the concierge. Many Moscow flats have a "loggia". Being a dyslexic, when I was told our flat had one, I thought we would have someone sharing the flat with us (lodger) but this is not what it is. A "Loggia" sounds more glamorous than it is and is basically an old balcony, covered in plastic glass. It adds an extra narrow room to your flat. It can be used for storing junk, hanging out your bra, pants, socks, a refrigerator in the winter or as a sauna in the summer, as if your flat faces the midday sun, your loggia will get really hot and will heat up the rest of your flat.

You will need a water machine, the Internet, a mobile phone connection and a TV package. You cannot drink the water in Moscow, (well you can but it tastes horrible and will probably bleach your stomach). This means you will have to buy a water machine (they cannot be rented!) and get bottled water delivered to your flat each month. A family of four, will need one bottle a week, so you will need to buy four bottles a month. The water is from Nestle Pure Life and tastes very good. The machines also make hot water so you can use it to drink tea or coffee. If you don't want a machine, you can buy a water pump that attaches to the Nestle bottle. 

Once you have your water machine, you will need the Internet and a TV package. Try NTV + for example but there are many here. Getting it installed, may require patience, strength and a few large Vodkas. Throw away the rule book and put on your Russian head. Once you have paid the sign up fee, you set a date for installation. The day will come and the guy will be late or not turn up at all. He won't come with any tools, other than a length of cable and maybe a TV dish. He will expect you to pay him to do this and more to drill in the wall and to attach any cable to the wall, as its simply not part of his job. Assuming he sets up your TV package, your problems may not end there. If there is a problem with the connection and you need a new receiver box etc, The TV company will charge you for it and for the man to come to your flat, even though it's their TV service and you pay them a monthly rental fee. Some TV packages come with the Internet and once again you will have to pay the man to install their Internet service when it should be free. Take a large drink of Vodka, relax and say "fuck it". It will take time to get set up but it will get done eventually. Many here get a mobile phone on pay as you go and Beeline is the most popular. If you need a new mobile phone, by it abroad not in Moscow, phones don't come free with phone contracts. I also recommend you rent a flat with its own water heater, (boiler) as the city is heated by the authorities and every summer they turn it off for a week or two to clean the main pipes.

Your rent may include water and electricity or maybe extra on top of the rent. Flats are usually furnished and can look awful, bling or very nice. Russians, tend to decorate their rental flats according to their own taste and this taste can be an adventure of colour, style and decor (have an empty stomach and see Hall Of Horror). You may not be allowed to put any pictures on the walls and if you do want to hang any pictures on the wall, you will have to ask the owners permission and agree where they can go on the wall. Many flats for rental in Moscow, are inherited by families from soviet times, so although generations of families had very little or nothing, they had a free flat provided by the state. These free flats, are now offering payback to these generational families and are let out to foreigners at crazy prices. Many of these Russians that have flats for rent, have finally got their justice, thanks to you dear expatriate, they have their Karma. Up yours Stalin!

Before you move to Moscow, research and find the best area for you. Agree a rental allowance and set a budget for living. All of the advice above is based on my own experience and on two moves within Moscow. Setting up your new home, really will depend on good organization, connections, budget and a lot of luck. 

They key to not getting stressed in Moscow, is to not have expectations and to not compare things. Moscow and Russia are different and often upside down. Things are not the same as back home, so adapt and modify. Happy, home hunting and good luck.

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How to - Survive Moscow

So you have arrived in the motherland and feel like a rabbit in the truck headlights. You don't know anyone, don't speak the language, can't read the signs, don't know where to shop and your pants have filled up with the brown stuff. I'm here to clean your bottom and offer some free, friendly advice in another installment from the "how to" editions. A lot of your survival, will depend on your situation, gender, income, location and reason for being in Moscow. These factors will contribute to you sinking or swimming in Moscow. Your survival, will also depend on your outlook on life and reasons for being here. If you see it as an experience and an adventure, you will survive. If you see it as sentence and duty you will either go mad, get very depressed or leave Moscow, faster than an enemy of Vladimir.

As I have said before, you don't need to speak Russian to survive here but it will help. Before you move to Moscow, research, network and make a survival plan. There are resources open to you that can easily be found on the Internet, like this wonderful, free blog. I suggest about six months before you move to Moscow or indeed any country, start to search on the Internet for people in your future situation. Don't leave home with a tent but forget the camping stove or the matches. Plan, plan and plan. Have a plan for your plan. Although it pains me to give free advertising on my blog, in the spirit of human sharing, I will list some popular sites and establishments at the end of this "how to" section. Karma may come my way and they may return the publicity but I won't hold my breath. The following, is mostly aimed at anyone who has been sent or who may be sent to work in Moscow Russia as an expatriate. This includes husbands and wives. The information below does not consider other reasons for coming to Moscow that will include, adventure, exile, study, arranged brides, teaching, love, lust and many other reasons for relocation.

Negotiate, demand, survive

If you are moving to Moscow for your job, negotiate and demand the best possible relocation package to include as much free stuff as you can, you are worth it. You have crawled, begged and borrowed to get to where you are, so get the very best. Get free stuff for your free stuff. Moscow is a damn expensive city. Demand a free flat or a very good rent allowance, find out the average rent price of where you want to live, so you know a what to demand. It's very common here for people in high positions, (country directors, mangers, specialists) to have a driver on call, free or low rent, free flights, free mobile usage, free schooling and of course the all important free health care cover. Most expatriates, who work here have full free health cover for themselves and their for families and they fill the pockets of private medical centres here. The main popular ones are, EMC (European Medical centre) and the AMC (American Medical centre) be warned, because they are private and expensive, does not always mean you will get a good level or service or customer care here in Moscow. 

Private schools and kindergartens are also expensive here, so if you can get free schooling, life will be less painful and your pockets will be less empty. The main schools used by expatriates and by wealthy Russian are the "British International school" (BIS) and "The Anglo American School" (AMS). The main kindergartens are, "Sad Sams", "P'tit Cref", "Busy bees" and many others. If you want to send your kids to a private school, it will help if you have a driver on call to take your darlings to school or if you live near the school or if you or your nanny can walk there.

Unless they have invented teletransportation, you will need to live in the centre of Moscow, as your office will probably be in the centre, so again I suggest you demand a personal driver to take you to and from work or find a flat near a metro station, not more than eight stops from your office. Many expatriates flock together like sheep in one corner of the field, as this is where the best grass is to be found. They do this, as they have to and can afford to. Many of the best kindergarten and environments are in the central areas. Sure, you will breath in the smoke but a good location is vital to surviving Moscow, so your lungs will take a back seat over a prime location. The traffic here is very bad, so if you work here and have to educate your kids you will have to be in a central area, the real estate agents know this and set rents accordingly. 

If you have kids, you can hire part time or full time nanny. There are many here. Filipino and Russian.  You will pay more for a Russian nanny. They are usually very experienced, mothers and good. However many don't speak much or any English and they do things their way. If you get a Russian nanny, your kids will be in good care.  Filipino girls are cheaper but in my opinion not so good at nanny work but far better suited to cleaning or occasional babysitting. Many expatriate families, have a nanny and cleaner. I have written about nannies and Filippo's on the this blog. See blog archive and best posts. Both types have advantages and disadvantages. Russian nannies, usually don't do discipline but are very loving and proactive with kids. Filipino girls, are not so proactive and experienced but are are far cheaper. There are many agencies for nannies. See resources below.

Your situation

I have listed the "expatriate types" before so won't repeat it here but your survival will depend on your circumstances for being here. If you are a mother here following your husband, you can join the International Women's Club or the British Women's Club. These clubs offer a large breast to grab onto, when you don't know any other mothers here. Women meet on a regular basis, often with screaming babies, to talk about life here, the price of baby nappies, kindergartens and to bitch about their lives or other expats. Men are welcome but not generally encouraged. If you are following your husband here, life will be good if he negotiated a good relocation package. You will have time to play, go shopping and to be with your kids. Join a cooking club, hire a nanny, hire a gymnastic teacher for Emily and you will meet other mothers from other countries, you will make new friends and will probably have a good social life, as you will be in the same situation as them, all sharing one large fluffy expatriate bra. All will be fine. If you are a SAHD, it will be a different ball game and I have written about this see "best posts" under resources below. The main key to surviving Moscow for anyone, is to meet new like minded people, to network and to keep busy. If you stay at home in your Moscow flat, no mater how crappy or bling it is, you will go nuts. Get out, mix and graze with the other sheep.

If you are working here in an office or at a school as a teacher, you will be busy so may have little time to get depressed. People come to Moscow to work as CEO's, directors, account mangers, specialists, teachers, nannies and others professions. The key to surviving here, really depends on your income and network of friends. If you have poor income or no or few friends you will hate Moscow. The city attracts certain types. Some are on "fuck me I'm on a loaded package" and these types live like kings, some people love the buzz of the city, some move here to marry and be with a Russian man or woman and some move here to get way from dull lives and dull home environments. If you are one of these types, you will enjoy Moscow. If you don't like big cities and think you will soon adjust, you will be in for a bad experience here and will be very unhappy. Think carefully about why you are moving, will you like it, will you adjust, will you make friends and will you survive?

The two of the most important things to demand with a bang of your fist on the bosses table, before you pack up and move to Moscow are a free flat and free family healthcare. Without free healthcare and a free or very cheap flat, life will be hard here, as it's no secret Moscow is very expensive. Whatever your employment reason for moving to Moscow, financial help with accommodation is vital. It will also help if you have a few Russian friends that you can rely on and turn to before moving to Moscow. This could apply to any large, expensive foreign city. Don't just survive, win and thrive here.

Expatriate internet review & survival tools

As I said before, the Internet is a wonderful place to get information on almost anything, from making a bomb, baking a cake, finding a bride, building a house, piercing your nipples or all of these things and millions more.

Moscow has a number of forums and sites for meeting new people. The main one here is a site called "expat.ru" (ERU). This site can provide some useful information and you can post questions to other users. The other site is "redtape.ru" (RT). Expat.ru is slightly better then redtape.ru (RT). ERU offers some genuine people and does have useful information, funded by banner advertising, while RT, is a rather more of a private club (yet very public) site, run for a handful of semi permanent expatriates in Moscow. Both sites, market expatriate services from dodgy bars to schools, often in a non subtle way. Both forums are free and are split into sections under headings and allow users to post questions, sell stuff and offer various services.

Both sites, at first glance, seem to offer a world of fluffy people, who will be in your exact situation living in Moscow but all is not what it seems, so hold fire before you join up and post your questions. It's a fact of life, that forums attract nut jobs, drop outs and trolls. These sites are no different and can seem inviting but can be dangerous places. Like all forums, these sites, claim to have moderators and admins but often these moderators and admins are trolls and post under assumed identities on both sites. Both sites have a number of expatriates who live permanently in Moscow, teachers and some people who post on both sites don't actually live in Moscow at all! Have an open mind and put on your safety catch before you play with a loaded gun in a playground.

Both sites, have people on them under fake identities and are used by the same people under different names on both expat.ru and redtape.ru. Like any forum, on any topic, always use extreme caution when joining an online community. Never publish your name, home address, phone number. If possible, try not to use your real name and only read such forums rather than post. If you do join one and have questions, send your questions via private massage to other members, rather than publish your questions or life story online for all to see. On forums, people hide behind a computer screen and identity and often assume a different Jekyll & Hyde personality becoming very brave and often very abusive. Forum users who are old time regulars, hunt in packs and any new users that does not fit in with the cyberspace crowd, will be ripped to pieces and spat out. Many forums, including the ones I have suggested above, do not have any company address or registration, so when you use these forums, you have no or little legal protection, so please use extreme caution as they do lack transparency. Of course these forums do contain a lot idle chatter but can lead to some friendships and even work in Moscow if you use them with care.

My advice is use a forum to gain information. These forums can be a good starting point to finding out stuff on Moscow. You can also join sites like "Children in Moscow" (CIM, I recommend their Face Book page, it's heavily hidden with marketing but is useful for mothers) or "InterNations". The site InterNations is for world wide expatriates and is run in a professional, transparent way. You can join under limited access or pay monthly for full access. People are not anonymous and they arrange regular meetings. It does have a heavy emphasis on business networking but is a good resource. However, as I have said before, these other sites will often have the same people on them that use these forums, (ERU, RT) so use some caution. Face to face meeting and natural friendships, cannot be replaced by cyber ones but these resources are a help to the new expatriate, caught in the headlights, of a large Moscow mega truck. The best online resources are Face Book, blogs and internet searches under specific questions relating to your move abroad, any site that allows anonymity, will attract nuts, bullies and trolls.

They key to not landing face first, in a muddy puddle when moving aboard, is to network and to find out key information before you live in your new city. Try to find out the average rent prices, the best places to live, the best schools, how much schools and kindergartens cost, expatriate clubs, airlines that fly to and from Moscow and the best health care clinics that are in the area you want to live in.

Have a positive attitude and a sense of adventure when moving anywhere abroad. Moscow is special and different and takes months and years to adjust to. The right planning, outlook and mental strength will ensure your survival, so good luck dear reader. Some resource links below may help you and please see the FAQ section on the home navigation bar.
 
Resources

International Womens Club (IWC)
British Womens Club (BWC)
InterNations
BIS 
AMS
CIM
Expat.ru
Redtape.ru
Best Posts
AMC
EMC
Expatriate types
FAQ's

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