The waters of God

A small Orthodox church in Moscow

Getting your kids baptized is totally down to individual choice, belief and need. I got my baby and toddler baptized today here in Moscow. I did it, as I believe it to be the correct thing to do, I believe it be morally and spiritually correct. I believe in an after life, good, bad and a god. This is my justification, like it or leave it.

Like many people, I don't go to church, except for weddings and funerals and I don't read any bible. Does that make me a hypocrite, a sinner and a fool? Some may say yes. As a family, we are not Orthodox. I am CE (Church of England), my wife is Catholic and now our kids are Orthodox. I thought it would be impossible or hard to get our kids baptized here in Moscow but lady luck was on our side. We have a wonderful, part time nanny, who has a heart as big as Russia who arranged it all for us. She is also now their spiritual godmother. Without her, we could not have done it. We could have gone to a popular expatriate church here in Moscow and had it done there but the but priest scares me and looks like an exorcist, although I am sure he is warm and wonderful guy, if you get to know him. I'm pleased we didn't as frankly, I would have found this church cold and dull. I am sure it would have involved endless sermons and red tape to arrange. If I had been in the United Kingdom and had the opportunity to go to a quaint, old English church in some sleepy English village, I may have gone but I was not. Going native, here in Moscow was one of the best experiences of my life.

We went this weekend to a small Russian Orthodox church. Once inside, we were led into a room off the main church, that contained a font and an alter. It was dimly lit with candles, the alter was a mass of gold, beautiful paintings. The ceiling and walls were painted in beautiful colours, showing various religious scenes from the bible. There was one other set of parents with us. Their baby would not stop screaming and screamed for the entire service. My big kid kept trying to blow out all the candles and almost set fire to the room. The kids and babies had be stripped of their clothes and the priest plunged them under the water in the font to wash away their sins. The water was warm but I told my boy that he was going for a swim, as he loves swimming and it was enough to get him to cooperate. When they had been washed, they were dried with white towels and dressed in traditional, beautiful white handmade linen robes. The priest spoke some English and was a very nice man. After the children had been bathed in the water, they were anointed with special oil. The godmother, mother and father are blessed by the priest. The priest and godmother walk three times around the font, the priest cuts off a lock of hair from the child and the father throws it into the font water. The walk around the font and alter, is to represent the number of days Jesus was in the tomb. I did not fully understand the ceremony but it was fantastic. When we left, we made a donation to the church.

A beautiful example of religious art 

We went back to the same church, the next day for further ceremony and the drinking of wine and eating of bread. I did not take any, as I am not Orthodox or a hypocrite. I am also probably not worthy to receive it. The little church was full people. Old women and men, kids, couples and single people. The atmosphere was calm and happy. A very large priest, with a very deep voice, was chanting some hymn or bible passage while the choir backed his vocals. Their singing was beautiful, not deep gospel but rather deep Moscow. For a beautiful example, for when you feel all hope is gone or if you feel stressed, listen to this when you have read this and be totally blown away. You feel at peace and pure, when in a Russian church. I can't explain why but its a very nice place to be. There is no animosity, no judgement and no competition, just a bunch of people showing gratitude and asking for help or forgiveness.

I have to say, getting a baby or toddler baptized can stressful. It is stressful when they scream and stressful when a bigger kids run around the chapel and try to grab everything. However, this experience, that only  lasted about an hour and half, was a beautiful memory and the crying baby did not ruin the experience, after all, without babies or little kids, there would be no baptism. One of my children was born here in sunny Moscow, and so I have an odd, perverse emotional bond with Moscow. I have never pretended to love or even like Moscow but since one of my children was born here, I am now, in an emotional sense, tied to this city and always will be. I wanted a positive memory of Moscow and now I have a beautiful memory of Moscow, thanks to one kind lady, a priest and a small Russian church.

On a personal note, if you are interested regarding religion, my father died when I was twelve. Up to that point, before his long, drawn out painful death, I was a big believer in god, I was a fan but after his death, I lost all my faith in god and in life. I don't know if I will ever find full religion again or be true believer but as I said before, I believe in an after life, good and bad. I am a sinner and imperfect but try my best to live a good and honest life. I hope my kids will try to do the same. I recommend anyone who believes as I do, in these things, to get their kids baptized. It's a beautiful and worthwhile experience, especially in a Russian church. You don't need to be Russian, Orthodox or strictly religious.

We live in tough times, in a screwed up wicked world, a bit of religion, if used carefully, can do a lot of good. Even if you only dip your toe in the waters of god a few times in your life, try it, feel good and do good. Your choice pilgrim.

Related stories: Baptism example (not me) see here, Beautiful Russian singing, Best Posts

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A brief guide to British culture

With the United Kingdom always in the press for all the wrong reasons, it is interesting to ask what is it to be British? The UK and other European countries are undergoing massive population explosions caused by immigration numbers. The UK is expected to reach a crisis point very soon.

As an Englishman, I have a love for many things that I consider English. If you are not English, you may have little or no idea what I am talking about. In my opinion, anyone wanting to settle in and became a permanent resident should know what some of the British classics and have a understanding of what makes the British tick. British classics are what makes England, England, like  queuing (waiting inline), the rain, Cheddar cheese, Marmite, Marmalade, cricket, complaining and cancelled trains. Some may say these things below are old fashioned, some may disagree and that's fine by me but many will agree that these things are typical of being British and typical of Britain and are part of its "kulture" (culture).

I use the term "British" as an adjective to mean being "British" but the term Brits or Britons is also used by some. English is defined as a nation or ethnic group, so I prefer to use the word British to describe a nation of people. I use the word British, to mean people of the UK and the countries culture. How you define it, is totally down to individual preference and I won't argue the definition. Culture, is used to refer to ways, habits, preferences, oddities, likes and dislikes, as well as art, cuisine, music, folklore, literature, philosophy etc. I don't mention other aspects of culture here as it would take too long to mention.

The days of myths are no more. Things such as it rains all the time, bowler hats, London fog and public schools, where boys are beaten with a cane are now resigned to history and to legend. The UK is now a bureaucratic, hard up, hard hat, health and safety, blame him, no win, no fee, privatized corporation. The UK is largely made up of different, resentful races and religions, and a place where public toilet doors are soon to be marked "transgender". Job titles are mostly gender neutral and human right laws run the asylum. The queen is the ambassador for tourism and Brussels cracks the whip. Believe it or not, despite all this, it still has its charm. Cities have a mixed bag of people such as Asian, Caribbean, African (Nigeria and other regions), Pakistani, Indian, Arab, Slovak, Slovenian, Polish and other European countries. These populations are first, second and third generation immigrants. The countryside areas and rural English towns and villages are still largely made up of indigenous, ancient generations of white "Anglo Saxon" Brits. London has a large population of wealthy Russians. They are attracted to British history and can play real life Monopoly games, buying debt ridden aristocrats homes and turning them into their luxury Dachas. They raise a finger, to their childhood, to their countries past and ultimately to Britain.

Here is a very brief guide to the foreigner and here are some of my impressions and beliefs (warts and all) of what makes the United Kingdom and what is typically British. The points below are not extensive, there are too many to mention here. These things are British and engrained in the countries blood and constitute its structure and environment.  At times, its not pretty but where you have ugliness, you also also have beauty. Briton, is your mad crazy aunt, who is three times divorced, lives in an old windmill and drives a second hand Mini Copper. Love or hate her, she is what she is.

British Food Classics

Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. This is a traditional lunch traditionally served at a weekend for the family. It consists of a quality beef joint, slowly roasted in the oven with potatoes, horseradish sauce and served with Yorkshire pudding, gravy and vegetables. Often, the desert is Trifle or Sticky toffee pudding. Curry has become our national dish, mainly due to and thanks to our vast Pakistani and Indian population that began joining our native population from the late 1970's onwards. Restaurants began to spring up all over the country and it would now be very unusual not find a curry restaurant in the smallest of English villages. The British love curry. Fish and chips is also popular but cannot be considered fine dining. Old traditional English cooking is dying out but has some of the most delicious, meat, fish and desert dishes that you won't find anywhere else in the world. Heard of these? Pork pies, Shepherds pie, Gravy, Fish & Chips, Cream scones, Steak and kidney pie, Egg custard tarts, Game pie, Toad in the hole, Cornish pasties (Cornwall), haggis (Scotland) Steam treacle pudding, Spotted dick. 

If you don't know what they are, find out as soon as you should try them, they are truly delicious. Of course, many British foods and dishes came from abroad or were influenced by French cooking etc, however the Brits have made them their own and consider them to be quintessentially British. Try traditional English food when you go to the United Kingdom.

Changing British Family life

Family life consisting of a married mother and father with two or more kids has changed in form over the last twenty years. It was once the norm for children to have a mother and father but now this is not so usual and families can consists of mother only households (single mothers), same sex households and unmarried households. Traditionally, Sundays were family days and all shops were shut but this has changed and now shops are open 24 hours a day seven days a week. All kids once wore school uniforms and the police were generally respected. This has now changed in the 21st century and school uniforms are no longer expected and the police are generally hated by most of the younger population, along with all forms of establishment. Families these days, get takeaways (food eaten at home from a restaurant), watch DVDs, play computer games, watch reality TV shows, talent shows etc. Taking the whole family down to a retail park, eating a KFC and visiting Lidl, Carpet Land or furniture Land, are popular weekend day trip destinations for many British families. 

Many families eat toast, cereal, porridge, tea, coffee, a fried breakfast or boiled eggs for breakfast. Tea is still very popular with all generations of Brits. It is taken with milk and one or two sugars at breakfast, in the morning and in the afternoon. Earl Gray is the best tea. Bingo and cutting the grass, are popular along with dog walking, picnics, washing the car and falling asleep in front of the TV at weekends. Pub lunches in villages and small towns, are also popular with some families at weekends. Barbeques, (food cooked on charcoal grill outside) are very popular in the summer months, for many families that have a garden. Lamb and fresh pork and herb sausages are best cooked on a barbeque, washed down, with beer, wine or ginger ale.

Sunday church attendance and religions such as Christianity and Catholicism have all but died out, although other types of religions are still very popular, such as Judaism and the Muslim religions that attract moderates and fanatics. As Margaret Thatcher once said, "there is no such thing as society, only the individual" and this seems to have made families insular in areas where community no longer exists, except in small rural villages in the UK. Traditional churches are being sold off and converted into luxury homes, theme pubs  and flats. Muslim mosques are springing up, across many suburban areas in the shadow of former Christian churches, long since demolished to make way for Lidl supermarkets.

Family life as a happy functional unit, has and is slowly dissolving, due to social problems, poor education, high unemployment and societal change. Yob culture is now the norm in England, especially in large cities like London, Manchester and Birmingham. Teenage mothers, still at school, sit in KFC restaurants feeding there small babies chicken wings, while their boyfriends hang about in the street outside, wearing their hoods, swapping splifs and mobile phone snap shots. Life In Britain in the 21st century. These kids grandfathers and great grandfathers, would spin in their graves if they could see how things are now.

British English

Language has changed a lot over the last few decades. These changes have happened due to poor education, influences caused by, immigration and from the popular media, mainly from American movies. The United Kingdom, has many accents such as Essex, London, Birmingham Manchester, Asian, Caribbean, African, Irish, Dorset, Welsh, Scottish etc. The movies have influenced spoken English and many Americanisms have slipped into the English langauge. There are too many to mention here but some are: "when the shit hits the fan", "woz up", "your kidding", "what the fuck" (WTF), "asswipe", "double whammy", "dick" "guys" etc. See here for other slang. Text talk, is a whole new language. This langauge came from mobile phone messaging, network sites and forums and is a short form of English, some say it's lazy English. English is often spoken badly and people who make sentences with words missing, the wrong tenses, missing or no article, missing prepositions etc. One example is "where was you?" (where were you) and "can you borrow me a fiva?" (can you lend me five pounds). For anyone new to the UK, it can take several months or even years, to understand the different forms of English. Data recently suggested, that one in six youngsters in primary schools - 547,000 - do not have English as their first language. If we are to believe statistics, the future of the UK is not native English.

British people will greet each other or call each other "mate" (meaning friend) when they have only just met and ask "how are you" when meeting or speaking, often, people don't reply "I am fine thanks" but simply repeat back "how are you" without answering the question. In the past, Mr, Mrs, Sir or Miss were used to address others but this habit has been lost in recent years. Fuck, shit and cunt are three of the most popular words and can be used interchangeably in sentences by some people. Try not to get offended, as these words are used with little thought to the context of the meaning and are said for impact. 

There is a fairly new trend of people speaking in questions. This is when fact is said like a question. The voice will go up at the end of the sentence on the last word, to make it sound like a question. Example: "She told me breakfast wasn't ready", sounds like: "she told me breakfast wasn't ready?", this sentence is a true fact said by one person to another but the person saying it turns it into a question when it is a fact. Other examples include: "I tried to book a flight but they told me there were no flights?" translated means there are no flights, this is a fact and is usually spoken in one flat tone of voice, a factual voice.

Troubled British Public Transport

British public transport is notoriously expensive can be dirty and unreliable. The London underground is always packed at rush hour and dangerous to travel on a Friday or Saturday night. The underground (metro) is usually reliable apart from bomb scares and signal failures, trains are mostly modern but can be very hot in the summertime. London underground trains are small, the platforms can get very crowded and become like a pair of breasts in a bra too small, bursting and tight. Try to avoid rush hour times. There are still red double deck buses and black taxis, (to take a black cab, you will need a full wallet, as they are very expensive). Most traditional red phone boxes, have been removed or replaced with gray ones. London is very busy and best to be avoided during tourist months, although London never sleeps. The UK has a very good network of toll free motorways although this situation may change soon. London is very bad for parking and cars are taken away and impounded, if parked illegally, by licensed, criminal firms. Travel round London, on a red double deck tourist bus with fat, retired Americans. The bus will stop off at all the well known landmarks and drop you off to have lunch at a London eatery for less than a 100 dollars per person at "Ye old English tavern" (as frequented by Henry the 8th!).

British Towns and countryside

Britain has some very beautiful villages and towns the further away from London you travel. I can recommend Devon, Cornwall, Edinburgh, Dorset, Wales, the lake district and the Suffolk coast as places to visit. There are still some traditional pubs but these havens of "Englishness" are sadly closing on a weekly basis across the country. Sitting by a fire, in an old village pub with a pint of warm ale and a packet of crisps is one of life's rare and joyous pleasures. I recommend visiting: Cambridge, Oxford, Bath, Bristol, Windsor, Bristol, Richmond-upon-Thames, Covent Garden in London and Greenwich. London has some beautiful and huge parks. Sit in a park and watch hoodies play football with a cat, while they film you on their mobiles.

London is festering melting pot of people and is overcrowded and expensive. It's fine to visit but I don't recommend living there unless you are on a high income. London is historically and architecturally very interesting and worth seeing, at least once in your life time.

British Culture

Camila Parker Posh, DT 15/03/2012

It's dangerous to generalize but traditionally, British people are often liberal, left wing, forgiving and tolerant, although the closer you get to large cities the less likely they are to have these qualities. As a nation, the Britsih tend to have a good sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. Politically, things are changing and the UK is seeing a rise in nationalistic, racist, thuggish groups, (EDL, English Defense League, NF, National Front, BNP British National Party) due mainly to unchecked immigration and national political distrust. The country is currently ruled by a wet split, between Conservative and Liberal parties, where decisions are hard to reach and where political positive change, is painfully slow or non existent. The United Kingdom, is split between those that see change and population numbers as positive for the economy and others that see change and immigration as sad and dangerous. The United Kingdom is a diverse population and environmentally interesting, with beautiful beaches, forests and coastlines. Mild winters and hot summers are the norm. Socially and demographically, the UK is changing fast and is almost unrecognizable to how it was in the past. The British, are not particularly patriotic but are becoming increasingly nationalistic and anti EU. The Human Rights Act, has eroded many British laws and the criminal is the victor rather than his victim.

Many people love football and cricket. Football, once a family and skilled game (the sport of kings) has largely become the sport of yobs, fulled by beer and hate. Cricket is an incredibly boring game that can go on for days but attracts a better clientele at live matches than football does (the EDL, has many football thugs as members). There is still a class divide, between lower, middle and upper classes but middle and lower (or "working class") are becoming virtually the same thing. The UK is obsessed with political correctness and health and safety law, so much so, that it is making life increasingly difficult for the population to function without regulation restraints or legal civil court action. Anyone who stands up and says there is an integration problem or a clash of cultures between ethnic groups, is ostracized and called a racist. The term "racist" has become very trendy and it is used almost as much as fascist, anti gay, sexist etc. Some say, the UK is a society based on rights rather than on responsibility.

The UK has many B&B's (bed and breakfast houses) where you can stay. These are cheaper than hotels and can often be charming. The price includes a bed and a breakfast. The rooms can be at an angle, with creaking wooden floors and hot the water can be temperamental when taking a shower. The breakfast consists of a fried English breakfast, usually served cold, by a woman named Margret who a lazy eye and a limp and who insists on talking to you about her ten cats while you eat breakfast. I'm half joking of course but B&B's can be excellent or awful but are the best way to see England if you plan on traveling around the country by car. Russian oligarchs would never stay in such places and prefer to rent out entire designer boutique hotels when they stay in the country with the families and trailing nannies.

Brits love to complain but rarely take direct action to change things, unless they are pushed to do so in extreme situations. Public riots can take place when uneducated, unemployed bored thugs, want a new TV or a new pair of Reeboks. The Brits, have always disliked the French and the Germans and never liked Brussels. 

Brits like to queue (wait inline) for things and don't like to be kept waiting. "Please" and "thank you", are generally expected when giving or receiving things but  "ta", "thanks", "cheers" are common forms of thank you. Waiting in a queue, is an art form and typically British, the habit is still practiced today in a society where everything else is changing or failing. The Brits usually wait one behind the other, usually in a straight line to be served or to book a ticket. Even wild hoodies (see link below) tend to follow this ancient rule. One never pushes in front of a person in a queue and one waits until it is his or her turn to be served.

The BBC was once respected but has lost this respect in the last few years, due to exaggerated reporting and internal scandals. Brits have become anti establishment and anti Royal family. In the above photo taken from Daily Telegraph, Camila P, is probably saying "oh my god, the waiter has dropped dead, get me a Gin and Tonic Charles". The Royal family now are really only a tourist attraction but help to bring tourists to the country and help the economy just becuase they are royal. Retired, American tourists still flock to London, hoping to meet Charley and to see where Sherlock Holmes once lived (said with irony dear reader).


English politics, has been exposed as fraudulent and that was once seen as the last bastion of honor and respect rooted in deep history and law. Britain is now a very liberal society that is fractured and divided on a number key issues. The British empire, was once internationally powerful and the UK had a strong mining and manufacturing base but this has almost vanished in the last decade or so. Some say, there are more negatives than positives when talking about how Briton once was and how it is now and if you compare "then" to "now", this certainly seems to be true. Its changed, like everything and has changed negatively and positively. Mass consumerism and I must have now, is the new way of life. The UK feels more European and less stuffy, however its history lives on and with it new problems.

The uneducated British youth culture is often violent and some areas of London are ruled by gangs of black and white yobs. These youth's are known as "hoodies" (tops with hoods that hide the hair and face) and stabbings and killings are an everyday norm in many parts of poor and deprived London areas. Vast, concrete tower blocks, were built in the 50's, 60's and 70's in London and still stand now, were people live cheek to cheek in an uncomfortable marriage of cultures and races. Property and human life of any age, is meaningless to these feral gangs  and they rule by post code, street and housing estate. They must have today and command respect from others rather than earn it. They have created their own fantasy worlds, influenced by movies and violent games. Many come from broken homes, and from one parent, abusive and alcoholic families. Time in detention centers and prisons, is a way of life for these gangs and is almost coveted as a "brother" honor to spend time in "Her Majesties Prison" service, (HMP) where you earn your bonus respect points. 

The British are known internationally as binge drinkers. Binge drinking is a term used to define the drinking of large qualities of alcohol very quickly and getting totally drunk, often with fatal consequences. Not all are Binge drinkers but it is a big problem. Larger and cheap shots are the most popular drink, of many Friday and Saturday night drinkers. I would not recommend being in any street, near pubs or clubs, on a Friday or Saturday night in any large British city.

Intellectual thought, language and accent are very much judged in a negative way by many of the younger uneducated or badly educated generations. The posher (upper or middle class) a person sounds, the more uncool and square they are thought to be. Regional and colloquial accents are now the popular vogue and have slipped into every form of spoken media.

All a bit negative? Maybe, however little Briton, is still worth seeing and has some beautiful places to visit. Like Moscow, some people love London, while others hate it. I personally hate London but love the rest of the UK. I love England for its food, green countryside, beaches, forests and  villages. if you look carefully, you can still find its old charm and it's amazing and eccentric personalities that make you laugh and make England a good place to be.  

Citizenship survey

A survey of easy questions was posted on here. This survey is now closed. It asked ten questions about typical things associated with Britain. Over one hundred people replied from countries all over the world.  It asked such things as, what is Toad in the hole? 88% of respondents got the right answer while 88% knew what a Cornish pasty was. It asked are the British moderate drinkers and it seems their reputation is now international. 94% of people that answered this question, said the British are not moderate drinkers. The question of what is a popular form of insult said by British people to each other, attracted different votes. "Wanker" got 38% , "fuck off" 29% and the others got lower percentage results and I won't mention them here! 73% of voters said that the British postal service was unreliable and expensive. To my surprise, 91% of voters knew what Pork Scratching are which is strange, since you can only usually find them in Britsih pubs. Of course voters could have looked up these answers by searching on Google but this would seem a bit pointless. The questions were fairly easy but perhaps people do genuinely know a lot more about Britain than we would believe. 

The survey did get some wrong answers. 18% of voters suggested Guy Fawkes was a Britsih actor. 18% said an Englishman's home is his flat rather than his castle. 6% of voters said the British are moderate drinkers, which makes you ask if they have ever visited the UK? 3% of voters said Pork Scratchings are a sun rash caused by eating bacon and 6% of voters said Toad in the hole was a meal made from wild toads, served with cabbage. Thanks to all who participated. These results won't change the world but were entertaining to read.

Related stories: Cravings of the home country - British food


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Go it alone

From experience, it is far better working independently, than as an employee in any type of profession. This is especially the case when teaching English. Schools in Moscow, will offer all kinds of things to hook the fool in and then pay him or her peanuts. I fell victim to one such school in Moscow. It had just started operating as a franchise and I was contacted by a Russian women named Elana Rigby (probably a made up name) offering me three hours a night, five days a week to teach "Cambridge First Certificate" aka FCE. I had sent her my CV some time before and she contacted me by email weeks later. I met her at an agreed metro station in Moscow. I had only been in Moscow a short time and did not know the metro system well but eventually I found the station. When I failed to see her at our agreed station, I called her on her mobile to ask her where she was? On the phone, she spoke in a BBC English accent, that seemed as if she had paid for private elocution lessons. Her accent was over done, false with an undertone of Russian that she could not hide. On the phone, she seemed aggressive and loopy, but I ignored my warning voice to run for the hills and met her at a McDonald's near the metro station to discuss the vacancy.

Over coffee, in McDonald's, I told her I had not taught heard of or FCE before but she said it was not a problem, she emailed me a few days later but ignored her email as I knew I would not like to do the job but she kept emailing me and eventually, despite my gut feeling, I accepted her offer of teaching, as the pay was too good to turn down and the hours suited my parental home duties. The school had one old photocopy machine that was often broken and a language coordinator (receptionist, they like to call themselves a "coordinators" or "office manager") who spoke very bad English. I later found out that the school had only been opened a few weeks and the school director did not speak any English and despite the fact that they had no teacher, they had sold the FCE course to about ten people, hence my sudden arrival, with "idiot" tattooed in large letters across my forehead. The FCE course involves listening to very dull taped recordings and answering dry multiple choice questions for understanding (commonly known as "Gist" in the world of English foreign language learning EFL). The class I had, was all female, all in their twenties and mostly very attractive, so this made the teaching the FCE less boring to my alpha male requirements. One girl in the class, had massive breasts that I struggled hard not to focus on, when speaking to her. In the end, I lasted about two months at the school, before I packed it in and ran for the hills screaming. I promised myself that I would never again work for a School in Moscow and so far, I have stuck to that promise. Many schools here demand that you have a CELTA, DELTA, SHITA or SMELTA and I don't have these, useless snob certificates and neither do I want one thank you very much. The CELTA and DELTA route is based purely on the snob appeal and on the Cambridge name, it's used to sell English courses all over the world to desperate people, wanting to learn English that frankly half the native Britsih population can't speak properly anyway. Many foreign, non native speakers, that I have taught English to over the years, spoke better English than English natives.

Many schools here, often offer teachers a dingy dank flat, on a low rent, a "visa" and some paid holiday. However, as many people have unfortunately discovered, cross one of these schools and get on their bad side and you can face a whole host of difficult problems that can include a non renewed visa, verbal and physical threats, ejection from their flat, sacking and no pay or late pay. Some of the teachers here are arrogant Americans, drop outs or weirdos looking to teach English abroad and to shag Russian girls who believe they love them. These stereotypes, die hard and there are many here in Moscow. Teaching English abroad attracts all sorts, from university gap year students to world travelers, adventures, single people, married couples, drop outs, alcoholics, paedophiles and convicted sex offenders. Many teachers abroad that fall into some these negative categories, escape the warning radar for these types and teach for years unchecked and unchallenged abroad. I have met many of these types.

Going it alone, is far better, although comes with its own set of problems. The advantages are, you can work alone and choose who you teach and where you teach. You can charge what you like within the market price for teaching and you can leave a client when you like. You are the master and you decide what type of English and what level you want to teach, you are paid when you want to be paid, not when a school wants to pay you. The only negative aspects are that when you go off sick, the student goes off sick or if you take any holiday, you won't be paid a penny. If you go it alone, you may want to combine private teaching with some school teaching, that way, the school teaching will act as a safety net for when you have no pay from private teaching work but please choose your school well and if in doubt don't work there, you will save yourself big headaches later on.

Before you decide to work abroad as a teacher, think about where you will work, the cost of living, visa regulations, the climate, the culture and if you are up to the job of teaching. Teaching English is not just about the language, you need to be a good communicator, you need a knowledge of grammar, you need to be an extrovert, you need to be inventive, charming, fun and more importantly, you need patience, time and energy to do it. Teaching is not easy and not everyone can do it just because they speak English. Native speakers are very popular with learners of English and if you can do it well, you should be able to make a good or even an excellent living abroad as a teacher. To teach English to children, you need experience and courage, to teach English to adults at home or at their work place, you need confidence, good organization and langauge ability. Going it alone, is far better and I recommend most people to try it.

Despite my experience, I still fail to learn by experience and still fall into deep holes that trap me into believing something is a good option when money is needed. Don't make my stupid mistakes and walk carefully when money is involved, always be suspicious of what is expected of you, this is very obvious advice but many don't follow it. There are always long strings attached that can sometimes be invisible.

Related stories: Best posts

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Witches of the children

As previously reported in "Out of my comfort zone" I have been teaching twins English for the last month or so here in tropical Moscow. I go every day and spend ninety minutes separately with each child. Teaching adults is far easier than teaching children and I would prefer to teach adults any day. However, some kids can be fun to teach, some can be cute, while others can be total monsters. I think how a child develops, is down to his or her parents, their home environment and due to their educational experience. Some kids turn out well, while others fail badly socially and academically from a very early age and this failure can often be irreversible. The two kids that I teach, have loving Russian parents who spare no expense in helping them to learn English. I believe they will turn out to be good human beings. They have a small team of carers to make sure this happens.

These two kids, have three nannies. Yes I said three, in case you thought I had typed the wrong figure. As amazing as it sounds, it's true. I have worked at Oligarch families before here in Moscow but the family I now teach at, are not oligarchs but obviously have cash in the bank to pay for full-time nannies and for me. Both parents run the family business and are busy from dawn to dusk and therefor not at home most of the time. I have written before about Russian nannies but they are a rare and unusual type of woman with their own methods and with their own systems of childcare. I do not claim to know the right way or the wrong way to look after children and we all have are own opinion of how kids should be looked after but these nannies are an interesting subject of species analysis and I have pitched my tent in their environment and study them from the bush, taking notes as I observe their witch like, methods of childcare.

The nannies at the family where I teach at, sleep with the kids and live in, they work on agreed rotational shifts, two are always on 24 hour duty, one for each child. The kids have normal single beds and each night, these nannies squash in with the kids and sleep with them. They are with them all day every day, do the shopping, cook and clean the flat. The windows in the flat are never opened and the stale slaps you in the face when you arrive and could turn milk to cheese. Opening windows, is seen as a deadly sin in Russia. Travel on any overground train in Russia and the windows will all be shut, open them and a train ticket babushka will tut at you and abruptly slam the window shut. Open a window and you will be immediately deported. The other day, I was sitting at the kitchen table teaching one twin and I began to sweat, the flat heating was on full heat and it was a sunny day outside, the flat was like a sauna. I ran to the window and opened it slightly, then one of the nannies rushed to the window and shut it, when I asked why she shut it, she said "the children" and looked terrified as if they would catch the plague or pneumonia, these nannies have built in nipple alarms, that sound when the temperature drops below 35 c. Further to my amazement, one of the twins had woolen tights on his legs, under his trousers inside the hot flat. He split some water on his trouser leg and rolled his trouser leg up and hopped around as if it was acid, this behavior has been caused by over protective nannies. I wounder if he will help his future wife out? Probably not, they will hire a live in nanny or nannies.

I have noticed that Russians love children and even the most stony faced of Russian's, will crack a smile when they see a child. However, these nannies are over protective and wrap the kids up in a protective cotton wool that I am sure does not do them any good later on in their lives. On the positive side, they are often wonderful cooks and will make very tasty classic Russian dishes. Many don't know western foods and will stick to what they know. It is usually high in calories but very tasty. They also make homemade jams and juices from wild berries that are high in vitamins and rich in goodness. These women have an in depth knowledge of plants, berries and herbs that have health benefits. I don't know if this knowledge is passed down from generation to generation or if it is a habit born out of necessity from the old Russia? Maybe they have all attended Hogwarts school of witchery? They know what the different berries are good for, some are good for the blood, some have natural antiseptic properties, some are good for energy, some will make you more beautiful or turn your enemy into a toad. They pick mushrooms in the mushroom season and make very tasty soups. It's amazing for a ignorant westerner like me, to meet people with such a good knowledge of the natural world and of natural medicines. People like me are used to just going to the pharmacy and buying a box of pills or powder to cure a certain medical condition. These treatments are man made, chemical and probably very bad for you. I would prefer to choose natural remedies to chemical remedies if I had the choice and the knowledge that these Russian women have.

These nannies have big hearts but a tough skin, they amaze me, yet slightly scare me. They are like witches who love children. If you get to teach at a Russian family, that has one or more nannies, tread carefully with them, charm them and get them on your side, you would not want one as an enemy. It will be Women's Day tomorrow on the 8th of March and this is a big thing in Russia. Women's day here, is not really a feminist celebration as it used to be but more like Valentines Day and Mothers Day. Men buy flowers and give their women presents and rightly so, they deserve it. In Russia, women don't enjoy the heady rights and equality freedoms, that their sisters do in other countries, Russian men are generally fairly lazy at home and don't help out much, so Women's Day is a good opportunity to show their appreciation for all their hard work. I will be giving these three nannies chocolates when I go back to the family on Friday. They help me with the twins sometimes and I need them on my side, as they say when in Rome or be turned into a frog!

 Relates stories: Out of my comfort zone,  Life in the hen house

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