The next game level

Having one kid is hard work, having two kids is the next game level and a different set of rules, a double whammy of endurance.

Your head hits the soft pillow and your tired body sinks into the soft mattress. The bed springs have taken your body shape, each spring supports your body. Your body is supported by the bed springs, like a reticently discovered old viking ship in a harbour, held up by strong scaffolding. You lay in the harbour, ready to take your nightly journey into the land of sleep.

The sleep giants hand, gently scoops you up, carries you up in the air and lays you gently down in a room full of soft, fluffy, cotton wool, nearby you can hear the sound of the waves gently falling on the beach. Weird and wonderful images begin to fill your head as you drift off into a beautiful state of being and into sleep. You find your self drinking tea naked, under a Willow tree, with a blond modal, George Bush, a dolphin and your old school maths teacher. Dreams can be weird, when you are exhausted.

Just then and without warning, the giant hand grabs you, throws you up in the air and drops you into cold icy water, you swim to the surface gasping for air, you are awake and can hear the car alarm from hell screaming and screaming and screaming, without stopping for breath. You grunt WTF, as you blink in the cruel darkness. Your wife kicks you in the back and says in a raspy, snake like voice "it's your turn, you go". You blindly obey her, as after years of marriage, you have been programmed to follow orders, you tear your self from the bed covers, get out of bed, hit your toe on the table and scoop up your baby from his crib. You limp in pain, in the darkness to the kitchen, in search of a cure to these satanic, high pitched screams. You switch on the bottle sterilizer and then realize you forgot to put the bottle in that you so carefully prepared ten minutes ago, before going to bed. Just then, a small child appears in the kitchen doorway, clutching a teddy bear and repeating the words over and over again, pee pee pee, kid number one has woken up. Need I go on? No country needs Guantanamo bay, just give any suspected fundamentalist, one week and two babies or one toddler and a baby, they will soon crack and reveal their terrorist world domination ambitions within 24 hours of capture. Since most of these men are hard line Muslims, not used to looking after a baby or a kid, as that is seen as a "woman's job", they will break and tell all. I should be paid for this simple advice by world leaders, who spend billions on costly consultants who tell them idiot ideas for solving world terrorist problems. Solutions are often there for all to see but I digress, lets get back to babies.

This pattern of sleep deprivation is repeated about three times a night, for anything up to two to three months, often caused by wind or tummy pain until your new darling baby can sleep through the night, pain free, poo free and milk free. You will become moody, bad tempered and feel like a zombie. Like a blind fool, I was badly prepared for this, as although I had looked after one baby here in Moscow when we first arrived here, we moved here when baby number one was six months old, I did not see how hard it would be, having to care for two. I forgot how noisy Moscow was at night and that we would be woken at 6 am every morning by men clearing the snow during the long Russian winters. They scrape the ground, making a sound that goes through to your bones. Sleep is worth more than gold, when you don't have it. Ear plugs are great but usually fall out during the night.

We recently took our new born baby to a local doctor the other day, here in sunny Moscow. She weighed him and measured him. She looked at the hospital record, looked at us and blankly told us that the baby had shrunk 3 cm. The Perinatal hospital in Moscow said he was 54 cm but the new measurement said he was 51 cm. They also failed to tell us he has a hole in his heart. I don't know why I should be surprised by this, as in Russia you must check everything before you leave. You may be given faulty or damaged clothing in a shop, the wrong car parts or the wrong information. I only hope we were given the right baby but I am not too worried, as he has my handsome good looks and my wife's nose, so I am 99% sure he is the right baby.

From experience, once a baby starts sleeping through the night it is easier, however two small kids brings with it new logistic problems. You can't easily go outside with them both for walks as one is walking the other is not but you must watch them both and keep both of them safe outside, I always end up carrying the biggest kid on my shoulders while pushing the pram. I have developed circus skills in kid juggling and in balance. You must watch the bigger kid in case he tries to put the baby in the washing machine or tries to give it one of your cigarettes. Little kids don't really understand what babies are or understand that they are now stuck with a new brother or sister that they will spend the rest of their lives either loving or hating or both. They did not ask for a bother or sister, so it is our job, as parents to make them get along. I never used to understand why parents have live in nannies, now I understand and although I see this trend as the cowards way out, to contract out your childcare responsibilities, I now see it as a luxury that I may want myself if only I could afford it.

I also now understand, that the bigger your flat is, the better it is for your kids and for your sanity and if you can have a house with a garden it is even better as kids need gardens. Some families live in tiny flats where all the kids sleep in one bed, how the families do this without going insane, amazes me but necessity is the mother of invention when you have little money. Kids need space, lots of it as they have more energy than a Japanese nuclear power station and leak it just as badly. Small living equals big problems but in Moscow flat rental prices are crazy so small living is the only real option unless you are lucky enough to have a free large flat provided by your company. However, we should never forget many people don't have a home or live in abject poverty, so some space is better than no space. So many children the world over, live in slum conditions without clean water or sewage (see link below for more information).

I don't think Moscow is the healthiest city in the world for babies or young children but I can't prove this opinion. Russians will say it is like any city in the world, although I don't agree but again I can't prove them wrong. As a baby becomes a little kid, it brings with it new costs. Your baby once flew home for free, as a plane seat was free, now he is bigger you pay the full price, with two kids you soon have to pay for four tickets. These future costs don't enter your mind as you sperm swims towards the giant egg to create a new human being, if they did think about it, no one who is not a Russian Oligarch, would have any kids. However, no cost or sleepless night, can ever cancel out the joy a kid brings and I deify the hardest and meanest of people to disagree with me. A kid will brings happiness, headache and sorrow but that's life. Do it, enjoy it and good luck, get ready for the next game level.

Related stories: Global slum crisis, Moscow FAQs, Credit cards welcome - having a baby in Moscow,  Best posts

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Moscow's eccentricities

Eccentricities make life interesting, Moscow is rich in eccentricity. You will find many eccentricities within other posts on this blog but here are some of the main ones. I define eccentricity as meaning different and unusual to the expected norm. Eccentricity can be normality to one man and eccentric to another and is based on personal experience.

Today, I saw a man on the metro carrying a very long length of wood and a builders club hammer, he was wearing a suite, perhaps he was going home to bury his wife under the floor? He just managed to get out of the train door before it closed shut. I have also seen people on the metro carrying office chairs and you will often see men carrying bunches of flowers. Flowers, are still popular in Russia and still the traditional way to a woman's bed, sorry I mean to her heart! I love seeing things like that, it makes life less ordinary, the less ordinary, makes life worth living for us all. In the winter here, you will often see people carrying skis and snowboards on the Moscow metro. Don't be surprised if you see a person in full winter ski gear, going down or up the escalator next to you with their skis, as if they are about to take the ski lift up the mountain. In parks, you will see men and women drinking beer from cans or drinking wine on the grass however, I still can't get used to that as I am an old fashioned Brit and find it slightly common. These outdoor drinkers don't seem to be totally drunk and I have never seen an aggressive Russian drunk, although I'm sure they do exist if you look for them in the right places. Russian's are usually very funny when they are drunk and not like my fellow countrymen from the UK, who fight each other and piss in doorways. In the summer, in Moscow, you can go to some parks and dance outside in the open air on dance floors, with people of all ages. No one is drunk and they are just happy to be dancing and having fun in the sunshine, the music can be awful but who cares, just dance! Get lost on the Moscow metro system or lost in the street and you will probably be helped right to the door by a Russian, this maybe because they want to practice their English but I have been helped by people who spoke no or very little English. Despite Moscow's hard concrete exterior, if you look hard, you can sometimes find soft sweet parts, like the best chocolates in the box that give you a warm feeling inside. In Moscow, I have never seen any dog shit on the pavement or any hoodie or gangs although the city has many homeless who live in a parallel universe to everyone else, they somehow survive the cold winters but probably die young.

You will often see Moscow police standing around with a fag hanging out their mouth and female Russian police officers with red painted fingernails. I always find it slightly amusing to look at them as they are often dressed in a short skirt, knee length black boots or high heels wearing full make-up with bleached blond hair and carrying a side gun and police stick. I suppose the police regulations don't forbid make-up and foot wear must just be black, the style and type of shoe is unimportant. I have often seen a Russian doing the sign of the cross and bowing when he or she passes a church and on special days, you will hear the pleasant sound of church bells ringing. You will not hear this tone of bell or style of ringing anywhere else but in Russia and it's nice to listen to, relaxing and in my opinion unique. Many Russian women speak their minds and don't show mercy if something does not meet with their approval. This can be frightening but also amusing and refreshing. We have an old neighbour who lives next door to us in our Moscow flat. She must be well over seventy but she often brings us homemade jam made from fruit from her country dacha or she will knock on our door bring us a stack of tasty pancakes, this would be unheard of back home. To get to her dacha, she takes two trains, a bus and then walks three miles to her dacha at weekends. Many of these old Russian women are hard old girls built for battle and designed for long distance travel, they were forged long before the free market madness that now sucks Moscow dry and are truly fascinating people. Our own part time Russian nanny, often brings us ducks and pickled vegetables from her dacha and she is an excellent cook. It is only during the last year, that I have been lucky enough to eat some traditional homemade Russian cooking made by Russians. It certainly won't get you thin but is very tasty and fills you up like any good comfort food should and is delicious. Russians are good cooks but seem mostly to stick to Russian dishes, they don't seem to have much knowledge of European cuisine. I'll post some recipes later.

Other eccentricities include, horses outside metro entrances with signs around their necks begging for money to feed them. Travel on the metro and you will often see old women in the metro stations bent down on the ground holding out a portrait of the virgin Mary, begging for money, you will see pregnant women begging for money with a sign around their necks and old ladies selling kittens or puppies in the metro stations, no one judges them and people give them money, that's how it's done here, in a country with few welfare benefits. Moscow is another universe and very different but what makes it an interesting, amusing and an annoying place to live in are the lack of rules, different rules and all the cities eccentricities. What really makes Moscow, Moscow are the people not the city and that's what I like about the place. Russians are superstitious and some superstitions that I like here are that Russians never shake hands in a doorway and always look in the mirror when leaving their home, hotel or office. I don't know why they do this and I have never had the opportunity to ask.

Moscow is very white with a few shades of colour with different face shapes with a Mongolian, oriental, Asian genetic. If you are not "white" as defined by any good dictionary, then living here may be strange and hard at first. If you are an expatriate and have any children born here, you will need to educate them in ethnicity differences, as Russia is not a true refection of ethnicity or society to match places like the United Kingdom, Germany, France, Italy and other countries with a large ethnic pot. I recommend doing this or your kids will have an unrealistic image of the rest of the world and may encounter problems not of their own making when they later move back home. Buy them reading books, that have different ethnic origins, to give them a healthy perspective of the world.

I will be pleased to leave Moscow but I will have fond and mixed memories of my time here, Moscow drives you mad but is an experience. I am still here for a few more years, so who knows what else the city will offer in way of experience and education? Only time will tell and I hope it will be positive. I would like to rename Moscow to "Eccentronia" the capital of Russian eccentricity. Accept the eccentricity and live the city. What ever happens and as long as I have a pulse and a computer keyboard, I'll share it with you dear reader.

Related stories: Moscow, Moscow acceptance, New arrivals to Moscow

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Children & the home in Moscow

I have not offered any advice on looking after children and domestic issues in Moscow. This is a bit ironic, since that has been my world since moving to Moscow. I can only offer advice, based on my own opinion and I am only a simple, knuckle dragging hairy man, who only just broke free from his dark damp cave some million years ago but I do have good experience here. My advice is special and from a man's perspective. Sites and guide books won't generally give very much real or useful information on the issues below.

From my experience, Russians love children and are very caring to children, they may not be so nice to each other but they are usually good to children.


Children's outdoor play areas, equipment & winter clothing

Many flats in Moscow, have some form of play area. These play areas have a variety of play activities, ranging from modern plastic climbing frames, to Soviet style metal games and climbing frames that have been painted over in different colours by so much paint over the years, that you can almost count how old they are by their layers of paint as you would count the rings on a tree stump. These play areas are often badly fenced or not fenced at all. If you take your child or if your nanny takes your child to a play area, be very careful your kids don't run too far away and be careful of the bigger kids. It seems to be a tradition for big kids and adults to use play areas for physical fitness exercise and they can be annoying and dangerous for very small children. Some play areas have sandpits but not all are maintained and the sandpits can be empty of sand, this may seem unimportant to you but is earth shattering and the end of the world to a small child who wants to build a sand castle. The play areas are very usually clean and usually free from dog shit but not always free from park drunks, some of these drunks are the parents. Some play grounds have wild dogs in them and they own the play area, not you so watch your kids. Visit many play areas until you find one you like. I can recommend Neskuchny sad by the river, it is excellent in the summer months but very damp and cold in the winter, the statue park by the river is fun but has many small ponds so be careful. There are play areas all over Moscow and many hidden behind blocks of flats and up small streets, most of them unfenced.

Use a heavy solid pram (stroller/buggy/pushchair) in Russia, as you will need a strong one for the big pavements and for the hard Russian winters. A fragile, trendy pram that looks cool and retro, will not usually last a season here. Follow the current female trend and preference for men hunting and go for solid strength rather than intelligence and good looks but apply this preference when choosing your babies pram, a pram must be tough and solid to last the Russian winters. Phil and Ted prams are an excellent choice for Russia as they have big wheels and are very solid, perfect for off road use. I recommend buying a pump and spare tyre when you buy your pram, in case off an any off road flat tyres. Moscow, is child play area friendly, although not so baby friendly and does not always have good baby changing facilities (or any) at hotels and at restaurants.The floor or sink area, may be your only area for changing a full nappy when eating out.

Try and buy most of your babies clothes, including baby bottles, plastic nipples, prams, toddlers clothes etc, outside of Russia, you will save at least 30% - 40% on the price.  You can get cheap nappies in any Auchan supermarket. Make your own baby food rather than buy ready made stuff as its a rip off.

Be ready to be told off by Russian mothers or by stern Russian nannies when outside with your baby or toddler. Russian women, wrap up their babies and kids for the arctic, regardless of the temperature outside. They go by traditional seasons and months, with an inbuilt wardrobe calendar that sends them an electric nipple shock at a set time of the year, warning them to wrap up their kids. You can be outside in September or October when it's sunny and + 6 and be told off for not putting your kid in a hat or gloves. At first it can be very annoying but in time you will get used to their comments, they mean well and only care so please don't get offended. It is the same issue with flat heating, most flats don't have an off valve and the heating is put on at full blast, from September or October and remains on till March or April. The only solution, is to open the windows but don't put your kids bed near an open window or near a radiator, they will freeze like an ice lolly or cook like a sausage.

In the winter, when it's below zero, you must dress your baby or kid in warm clothing.  You can put your toddler in a ski outfit from Armani or take the cheaper option and buy one from Decathlon, which will be just as good but not as trendy. Babies should be put in their prams in a wool warmer. This is like a small woolen bag that the baby sits in to keep warm. All babies and toddlers, should be dressed in tights, warm water proof boots, hats, scarves and coats and protected in their prams from cold winter winds.

Children's kindergartens & schools

A search on Google, under schools or kindergartens in Moscow, will produce many results and I won't give them free any advertizing here. Prices vary but are mostly high. You can put your darling into a private school or kindergarten, if your expat package allows it or you can choose a Russian public state one. There is a waiting list for public kindergartens, see my article on this issue under Best Posts. Private schools here, are like private medical centres and are big money making machines, that make a few men very rich. I have very little respect for these establishments.

Children's health issues

I have noticed two main problems here for kids. One is breathing infections and lung viruses and the other problem is dry skin and/or Eczema. The first condition may be linked to Moscow pollution or it may just be just linked to kids mixing with other kids and may be nothing more unusual in Moscow than it is in any city, anywhere else in the world. I have not found any real evidence to point to Moscow's pollution as damaging to peoples health although it is not at all healthy. The second condition is most defiantly linked to Moscow. The Russian's put vast qualities of chlorine into the main water supply. They put enough chlorine in the water, to strip the paint off a battle ships hull. The water is very chemical and very hard on the skin. Many kids and babies get dry skin and Eczema. Your feet may also get very hard and may resemble an old, hard French cheese once you have lived in Moscow for a few weeks or months. There are simple solutions to both these problems. A nebulizer machine will cure most breathing conditions and the doctor will give you a medicines to put into the nebulizer. Your kid will have to use it about three times a day for a week or two to cure many lung viruses. Baby oil and creams will prevent dry skin after washing. Always put baby oil in the bath water and use only very mild soaps and shampoos here. You can put foot cream on your feet at night, to stop them becoming like concrete. Cream up and oil up, to protect your family. Vitamin F or 'Scholl' cream is the best solution for hard foot skin. You can get a variety of powders to put into the bath water to protect your babies skin, ask a doctor's advice.

As I have mentioned before on here, the heating gets put on by the city authorities at set time of year and gets turned off at a set time of year. Many flats do not have an off switch or valve to turn the heating off, as a result, Moscow flats get very hot and very dry. You can open the window but you will also need to make the air moist to stop you and your kids from drying out and from getting over thirsty at night. Many people buy one or two dehumidifiers. These are electric machines that you fill with water and turn on at night, they gently release steam to make the room less dry. Many of these machines are crap and leak water like the Titanic , so look careful when buying one and choose a solid one and one that is digital. Place the machine on a towel, in your kids room and set it on about 40% to 50% humidity to work for 4 to 5 hours at night. A humidifier won't cure the dry air but it well help.

Moscow is a dirty city, due to the volume of heavy traffic, your flat window ledges will get black, you will have to clean them every few months to prevent black soot from going into your flat. Unfortunately you cannot stop the soot but you can clean it. Two machines are vital in Moscow, a dehumidifier and a nebulizer, these machines will make life easier for you and your family and most expatriate families have them. 

Nannies & domestic help

I have written about this before and you can search under Best Posts but I thought it an idea to mention it here again. There are many Filipino girls working here illegally in Moscow. These girls are not proper 'nannies'. Some people have tried many different Filipino girls and have been disappointed by their childcare abilities, while some people have been lucky and had some excellent Filipino girls as nannies, although I prefer to use the term 'childminders'. You can always hire a Russian nanny. These women are often mothers and can be excellent nannies, however they can have strong opinions, often don't speak much or any English and can be very bossy. Many have Soviet style attitudes to childcare and want to do things their own way. Finding a good nanny is down to luck or by good recommendation. You may have to try many before you find one that you like and that you can trust with your child. A Filipino girl will cost from 250 to 300 Rubles per hour and an experienced Russian nanny will cost from 300 to 600 Rubles per hour (these prices may have gone up since dated). Negotiate your price and pay them half pay when you are away on holiday as they depend on your pay to live.

Always take a photocopy of a nannies passport before you hire them. Most expats hire a Filipino girl to clean their flat. These girls prefer full time cleaning to part time cleaning. Explain to your nanny or cleaner, exactly what you expect and exactly how you want to them look after your child or clean your flat. Never assume they know what to do or that they will do as you would do. Different cultures, different methods. This would apply to any county, not just to Russia.

Child safety

Child safety in the home, is really common sense, although I have been surprised at the lack of safety awareness by some parents at some flats in Moscow. As a parent, I look for dangers at every turn, from playgrounds, shopping centres, lifts, stairs, windows, tables, chairs, dogs, drunks, cars to the entire home environment. I am sure child safety is a billion pound industry and some people have got very rich from the fear factor, I admit have been partly sucked into this fear vacuum. Many people these days live in high rise flats, these flats are often full of dangers. Some common dangers are unsecured widow handles on widows that open in and that don't have twist and turn handles, open-plan kitchens, table corners, electricity sockets and too many other dangers to list here. If you have a large plasma TV, sitting on top of some furniture, make sure you either secure it to the table or secure it to the wall. Many kids have been hurt or killed by falling televisions.

Simple plastic stick-on window locks can be put onto doors and windows, to stop little kids from opening them. Most modern windows now are plastic and you can put window handles that have locks on them. Before you move into your new Moscow flat, ask the flat owner to change the window handles and put lockable handles onto the dangerous, easy to reach windows. You can buy plastic widow locks and plastic socket covers from most branded kids shops and from IKEA. Most cookers, have a yellow or red gas valve on the wall, make sure you turn it it off after all cooking, electric ones usually have a switch on the wall. If you have a kitchen without a door on it, put a kids gate in the door frame to stop the kids from going into the kitchen. You can also buy door stops and draw stops to stop small fingers getting squashed. Table corners are also very dangerous but you can easily put rubber or plastic protectors onto the corner of all tables. Large book cases should be placed on a level floor and/or secured to the wall. Kitchen knives should be kept out of reach in cupboards. The same applies to food mixers and hair dryers should be left high up and always unplugged. Keep all cleaning products and drugs high up on shelves. Keep the iron stored out of reach of small hands. Small hands can pull an iron by its cable off the shelf. Think like a child and your flat will be safe!

Before you move into your new Moscow flat, do a child safety scan and if the flat owner will not pay for reasonable changes don't rent the flat and walk away. Simple cheap and easy changes can save accidents and save lives. I am sorry if I sound like a public safety service but this advice is free and fits into the theme of this page.

Common child safety issues: Indoors: Windows, balconies, table corners, doors, door frames, electricity sockets, hot taps on drinking water machines, plugged in electrical devices (see below), cookers, televisions and CD players, computers, household cleaning products, medical drugs, shelves, book cases, kitchen, bathroom, baths (tubs), knives, razor blades, door locks, sliding cupboard doors, unsecured irons, folding ironing boards, vacuum cleaners, washing machine doors, glass tables, heavy ashtrays, pens, pencils, scissors, needles, glue, hard floors near beds, old hanging electrical cables, wooden floor splinters, matches, hard chlorinated water. Outdoors: Ice, falling ice, smoke pollution, mobile phone masts, matches, zebra crossings, cars, parked cars, cars parking, escalators, shutting train doors, unfenced play areas, dangerous swings and climbing frames, broken glass, drunks, dogs, insects, bikes, roller bladers, joggers, skate borders, fairground rides, lakes, ponds... irresponsible teachers, other kids, bullying and of course pedophiles. 

Useful links: Healthy eating, Take 25, Stopitnow, CAPA 

Entertaining the kids

According to various sources, there are lots of activities for kids in Moscow, although I don't totally buy into this belief with regards to entertaining little kids. As I said above, there are certainly many parks and many good outdoor play areas for kids of all ages, however, you cannot realistically compare indoor kids activity places to what you are used to back home and these are needed in the cold winter months. There are many indoor play areas but by my experience, are often staffed by people who do not proactively look after your kids, so you will spend most of your time running around after them to keep them safe as they play. Many good health clubs have child minding areas and your child will usually be totally safe in such places. Kids are often not accepted to to enter a creche before the age of two or three and you pay by the hour.

Good child friendly swimming pools are also hard to find and I have spent several years looking for one in Moscow. Prices range from about 10,000 Rubles for ten lessons and not all teachers get in the water with your kids, check first before paying, pools are heavily chlorinated (see children's health issues). Surprisingly, kids are allowed into gyms and into steam rooms and don't be surprised if you are having a steam and a little six year old kid sits next to you and don't be surprised to see a healthy ten year old running on a running machine next to you at your local gym. Health and safety laws are different or non existent in Russia. This is very refreshing, compared to the United Kingdom but takes time to get used to in Russia, so pay your money and take your chance. For me, the best activities for kids are in the summer months and outside, if you can get to a park or forest and don't mind battling the traffic or take a metro there, enjoy green spaces and breath clean air. I recommend taking your kids out at the weekends in the summer, when there is less city traffic. You can always visit museums with your darlings but small kids are scrutinized by the old women in galleries, so make sure they are on a short chain and silent or you will get the stern eye and sharp tongue of a babushka. If you have expat friend, that is lucky enough to have a large flat, club together and use their flat in the cold winter months for indoor kids activities, like dancing or music lessons to burn their energy. You could hire a teacher and split the cost between two or three mother hens (see below).

Useful links:  Circuses and Children's Theaters

Mother hen expatriate parents

There is a vast and expanding community of mother hens here. I call them this, as many are like clucking chickens, who very much dominate the hen house here. Expat women are a special breed, some can be very friendly and genuine, while others can be snobby and cold. They are all nationalities but mostly British and American, they tend to live in a bubble. These women, don't usually work or if they do work, its part time or for a local charity. They see themselves 'domestic goddesses' and as part of a special elite club and can be cautious of new comers and especially cautious of men doing a 'woman's job'. A man doing a woman's job, goes against all that is holy and is viewed with great suspicion by some of these expat women. There are a few clubs for women but none for SAHD's (stay at home dads). You can join the Face Book page 'Children In Moscow' or a few other dedicated women's clubs here in Moscow. If you are a female 'trailing spouse', here in Moscow, you will be fine and not alone, you will have a good time and have good access to a big network of other hens to peck the seed with. If you have not been a full time mother, stuck at home before and you have not lived abroad before, you may find it hard to adjust to life here as a mother hen and newly anointed domestic goddess. If you are a SAHD and if you don't have a thick skin, life will be hard for you as the main caring parent stuck at home and at times, you will feel very isolated and very lonely here. If you last a year here, the rest of your stay here will be fairly easy.

Related stories: My mother-in- law has moved in,  Raising kids abroad and the issues, Being a stay at home dad or mum, Men, women & children, Stay at home dads abroad, a survival guide, Caring for a baby abroad,  Kindergarten time

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Credit cards welcome - Having a baby in Moscow

In the spirit of a make believe and a helpful expatriate community that few people inhabit, I thought I would offer a review of the main baby hospital in Moscow, as used by insurance rich expats and by middle class Russian's. If I am honest, this post is really aimed at anyone who has just moved to Moscow or who is thinking of moving to Moscow and currently expecting a child.

I know that having a child abroad, can be scary but if I am honest, I felt more relaxed about having a baby abroad than having a baby back in my own sad country, the United Kingdom. In The United Kingdom, our national hospital service, (that I once worked for, officially known as the "National Health Service", NHS), is in a state of sad decay and having a baby (or in fact any treatment) in one of our state hospitals, is a hit and miss affair, based totally on luck, state funding and the free market have done their best to destroy these once great institutions. If you have insurance, are expecting a baby and live abroad, with a few despot, flea ridden country exceptions, you should get the best treatment and the best service at any private hospital.

Moscow has a good hospital as used by many expat mothers. Its name is the Perinatal Medical centre. A simple Google search will give you the full details. The hospital is not so easy to get to, if you don't have a car, however, many expatriates have drivers, so this may not be an issue for them. Finding the hospital is not hard, using a driving navigation system or you could go by metro train. The nearest metro is Profsoyuznaya and there is another metro but I can't remember the name. You will have to take a tram from the metro to get to the hospital. Before the baby arrives, you will need to register at the hospital on the 7th floor and see your chosen doctor. The doctors come with different prices like fine wines, depending on their age, experience or based on what they value their services at. I know this is very strange but that's how it's done here, so just accept it you can't fight it. We chose the cheapest doctor and he cost us almost 5,000 Euro and this included three nights stay and all medication. Be warned, the delivery contract does not include visits to see your chosen doctor before the baby arrives. You will have to pay to see him or her at each visit and you will have to pay for any ultra sound tests and blood tests. The doctors here don't do the ultra sound testes, a nurse does. An ultrasound will cost  5,500  Rubles and checkup with your chosen doctor, will cost 3,500 Rubles. A baby heart monitor belt, that they will try to sell you, will cost an amazing 250 Euro a week. We were offered one but bluntly refused it as the price was madness. The fear factor, can often get parents to pay for things they really don't need when giving birth in a private hospital or you will buy unnecessary baby equipement for the home or for the car that are a total waste of money.

We had our second child, who was recently born here at this hospital, the first was born in another country. I thought I would find negative things to say about the hospital and the experience here but I could not. The only small negative things to say about the hospital, are that it's hard to reach and the nurses and doctors don't give any instruction on how to care for a baby, hold a baby or take care of a baby, as they do at some other hospitals. This is not a problem if you have had a baby before but if you have not, then you may have to rely on baby books and on Google for answers. The rooms have an Internet connection and you will have time in between breast feeding, to educate yourself on baby care so please don't panic.

The hospital is very modern and very clean, in fact so clean, you could eat your breakfast off the hospital floor. The rooms are comfortable and have bathrooms, they have an adjustable electric bed, a TV and a fridge, I looked for a mini bar but sadly could not find one. The rooms, look like a hospitalized versions of an "Ibis" hotel room. The mother is given five meals a day and the food is hot and good. Fathers don't get any food but are allowed into the operating room, although dads be ready to look like an extra from a bad medical TV series called something like "Doctor Moscow". You will have to wear blue paper trousers, a paper shirt and paper shoes. On your head, you will have to wear a plastic shower cap. The hospital security guards are a bit annoying and you won't understand what I mean, unless you have lived in Moscow for a few months. You will be required to leave your coat in a cloak room and you will have to wear plastic shoe covers over your shoes and you may be subjected to an anal inspection. Leave all your weapons at the door.

I asked my wife for her opinion of the hospital experience and she gave it a nine out of ten rating for all of the above. The hospital is very good but comes at a price. In my opinion, all state hospitals the world over should be like the Perinatal Medical Centre but then I would say that as I live a world of utopia, where everyone would get good medical treatment and where everyone would have an equal chance in life. The reality is we don't live in that world but if you have a credit card and private medical insurance, you will be fine in Moscow. About 90% of expatriates use this private hospital in Moscow to have their baby or babies, the other 10% fly home or use a Russian state hospital, which are probably just as good as a private one but without the modernity. This other 10% use state hospitals, because they are either married to a Russian, speak Russian or know how to use the Russian state system. If you don't know the hospital system here, you would be totally lost at sea.

The last hurdle to having a baby in Moscow, is registering the birth. This is done at a place called ZAGS at Profsoyuznaya Ulitsa, This place has driven many a foreigner insane and changed their hair to white with the stress and anger caused by bureaucracy. The paperwork required to get the birth recognized, could have cost the lives of a small forest in paper. We have yet to walk this path of fire however, on very reliable information, I can tell you that to register a birth, you will need an original apostilled marriage certificate from your county of marriage. Both passports must be translated by an official translation company in Moscow. You will also need the "spravka" paper from the hospital that details your babies existence, they keep this paper, which does not help your bureaucratic quest, so you will need to make a photocopy of it to take with you to the ZAGS office, as without it you can't get a birth certificate for your baby. If you want a copy of the birth certificate, you must pay 220 Rubles in cash, in the exact money, they don't give change.

I almost forgot to tell you, that you will need to speak Russian or take a good friend to help you. If you manage to do all of this, give yourself a pat on the back, drink a case of the finest Vodka and give one bottle to your friend, your baby is now another happy member of this crazy world we all live in and has an official, beautiful name to prove it.

Good luck, to all new mums and dads around the world. Treasure your children and be strict but fair, love them, protect them and educate them.

Note: The above prices and procedures may have changed since dated.

Related stories: ZAGS, Best posts, Giving birth in Moscow as a foreigner,  Countdown to a baby, Having a baby at a Moscow state hospital

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