The next game level

Having one kid is hard work, having two kids is the next game level and a different set of rules, a double whammy of endurance.

Your head hits the soft pillow and your tired body sinks into the soft mattress. The bed springs have taken your body shape, each spring supports your body. Your body is supported by the bed springs, like a reticently discovered old viking ship in a harbour, held up by strong scaffolding. You lay in the harbour, ready to take your nightly journey into the land of sleep.

The sleep giants hand, gently scoops you up, carries you up in the air and lays you gently down in a room full of soft, fluffy, cotton wool, nearby you can hear the sound of the waves gently falling on the beach. Weird and wonderful images begin to fill your head as you drift off into a beautiful state of being and into sleep. You find your self drinking tea naked, under a Willow tree, with a blond modal, George Bush, a dolphin and your old school maths teacher. Dreams can be weird, when you are exhausted.

Just then and without warning, the giant hand grabs you, throws you up in the air and drops you into cold icy water, you swim to the surface gasping for air, you are awake and can hear the car alarm from hell screaming and screaming and screaming, without stopping for breath. You grunt WTF, as you blink in the cruel darkness. Your wife kicks you in the back and says in a raspy, snake like voice "it's your turn, you go". You blindly obey her, as after years of marriage, you have been programmed to follow orders, you tear your self from the bed covers, get out of bed, hit your toe on the table and scoop up your baby from his crib. You limp in pain, in the darkness to the kitchen, in search of a cure to these satanic, high pitched screams. You switch on the bottle sterilizer and then realize you forgot to put the bottle in that you so carefully prepared ten minutes ago, before going to bed. Just then, a small child appears in the kitchen doorway, clutching a teddy bear and repeating the words over and over again, pee pee pee, kid number one has woken up. Need I go on? No country needs Guantanamo bay, just give any suspected fundamentalist, one week and two babies or one toddler and a baby, they will soon crack and reveal their terrorist world domination ambitions within 24 hours of capture. Since most of these men are hard line Muslims, not used to looking after a baby or a kid, as that is seen as a "woman's job", they will break and tell all. I should be paid for this simple advice by world leaders, who spend billions on costly consultants who tell them idiot ideas for solving world terrorist problems. Solutions are often there for all to see but I digress, lets get back to babies.

This pattern of sleep deprivation is repeated about three times a night, for anything up to two to three months, often caused by wind or tummy pain until your new darling baby can sleep through the night, pain free, poo free and milk free. You will become moody, bad tempered and feel like a zombie. Like a blind fool, I was badly prepared for this, as although I had looked after one baby here in Moscow when we first arrived here, we moved here when baby number one was six months old, I did not see how hard it would be, having to care for two. I forgot how noisy Moscow was at night and that we would be woken at 6 am every morning by men clearing the snow during the long Russian winters. They scrape the ground, making a sound that goes through to your bones. Sleep is worth more than gold, when you don't have it. Ear plugs are great but usually fall out during the night.

We recently took our new born baby to a local doctor the other day, here in sunny Moscow. She weighed him and measured him. She looked at the hospital record, looked at us and blankly told us that the baby had shrunk 3 cm. The Perinatal hospital in Moscow said he was 54 cm but the new measurement said he was 51 cm. They also failed to tell us he has a hole in his heart. I don't know why I should be surprised by this, as in Russia you must check everything before you leave. You may be given faulty or damaged clothing in a shop, the wrong car parts or the wrong information. I only hope we were given the right baby but I am not too worried, as he has my handsome good looks and my wife's nose, so I am 99% sure he is the right baby.

From experience, once a baby starts sleeping through the night it is easier, however two small kids brings with it new logistic problems. You can't easily go outside with them both for walks as one is walking the other is not but you must watch them both and keep both of them safe outside, I always end up carrying the biggest kid on my shoulders while pushing the pram. I have developed circus skills in kid juggling and in balance. You must watch the bigger kid in case he tries to put the baby in the washing machine or tries to give it one of your cigarettes. Little kids don't really understand what babies are or understand that they are now stuck with a new brother or sister that they will spend the rest of their lives either loving or hating or both. They did not ask for a bother or sister, so it is our job, as parents to make them get along. I never used to understand why parents have live in nannies, now I understand and although I see this trend as the cowards way out, to contract out your childcare responsibilities, I now see it as a luxury that I may want myself if only I could afford it.

I also now understand, that the bigger your flat is, the better it is for your kids and for your sanity and if you can have a house with a garden it is even better as kids need gardens. Some families live in tiny flats where all the kids sleep in one bed, how the families do this without going insane, amazes me but necessity is the mother of invention when you have little money. Kids need space, lots of it as they have more energy than a Japanese nuclear power station and leak it just as badly. Small living equals big problems but in Moscow flat rental prices are crazy so small living is the only real option unless you are lucky enough to have a free large flat provided by your company. However, we should never forget many people don't have a home or live in abject poverty, so some space is better than no space. So many children the world over, live in slum conditions without clean water or sewage (see link below for more information).

I don't think Moscow is the healthiest city in the world for babies or young children but I can't prove this opinion. Russians will say it is like any city in the world, although I don't agree but again I can't prove them wrong. As a baby becomes a little kid, it brings with it new costs. Your baby once flew home for free, as a plane seat was free, now he is bigger you pay the full price, with two kids you soon have to pay for four tickets. These future costs don't enter your mind as you sperm swims towards the giant egg to create a new human being, if they did think about it, no one who is not a Russian Oligarch, would have any kids. However, no cost or sleepless night, can ever cancel out the joy a kid brings and I deify the hardest and meanest of people to disagree with me. A kid will brings happiness, headache and sorrow but that's life. Do it, enjoy it and good luck, get ready for the next game level.

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