The end of a year and

So we reach the end of another year. This is our 3rd Christmas in sunny Moscow. This year has been family busy, yet a slow one for me in my current role. I have changed nappies, taught Oligarch brats and had chronic Bronchitis. In Moscow, we had a terrorist bomb attack on the metro, we had a few fatal Russian air crashes, an airport bomb and a rigged Russian election. World wide, we have suffered floods, hurricanes, earth quakes, the end of dictatorships and the start of new ones, financial meltdown, street anarchy in London, people protests in Moscow, Syria, Iran and a change of leadership in the United Kingdom and if this has not been bad enough, the world is supposed to end next Christmas in 2012, perhaps as a punishment for our selfish and idiot ways? I prefer to think the Mayans got it all wrong when they made their calender. I have forgotten anything, please let me know!

Above us, in our Moscow flat, devil child still torments us, while sex man below us is still busy. Devil child rolls her glass ball along the floor above us. It rolls along their wooden floor sounding like a ball rolling across glass a table while you lay under it, when her ball reaches the far side of her flat, she screams with joy at the top of her voice and then runs across her flat in her shoes, to get her ball and back and repeats this process until well after eleven at night, most nights. I recently went upstairs to confront her parents about it. Her father was standing outside his front door, he had a fat belly, stretched t-shirt, a beer in one hand and fag in the other. When I asked him to keep the noise down, he just smiled and ignored me, so much for my macho tough image. Our other neighbour below us is very sexually active, I often travel in the lift with a different girl of his, going up to my floor, she gets out I go up one more floor to my own flat, knowing the night will be noisy again.  In our flat, we often lay in bed at night to hear the pleasant sounds of his bed banging against the wall below us. The banging starts off slowly then gets faster and faster, finally reaches a climax of banging as he shoots his potion into another dumb girl, stupid enough to join his sex factory. Sometimes, we are lucky enough to have a concert above us, below us and next door. Screaming devil child will be rolling her ball across the floor above us, while sex man is pounding the wall below us. To make matters worse, sometimes another neighbour next door to us will decide to drill holes at eleven thirty at night. Drilling holes is a Russian national sport and taken very seriously here. They drill holes even if they don't have any holes to drill. They simply love drilling. Last week, we had all three noises, I took two Valium pills and payed for silence and for a room, in a secure facility, far far away from here (1).

My kid wakes up several times at night demanding the toilet, water or both, so solid sleep is all but a distant memory for me, my wife snores heavily next to me exhausted from her work. She does not wake up and wears ear plugs. Maybe I should copy her example but then I would not hear my kid. Soon our family will increase by one, so I am getting ready for endless nappies, feeds and hope my first kid does not try to put the baby into the dishwasher. Night noise will consist, of sex man, devil child, drilling and baby screams. Note to self: start drinking lots of vodka for breakfast, lunch an dinner. Life here is often surreal and seeing the funny side is absolutely vital to survival.

What will 2012 bring for us all, the world over? More of the same shit or better shit? Perhaps mankind and womankind will find a way to be nice to each other, there will be world peace and an end to all dictatorships, an end to Russian corruption and an end to world poverty and famine? I doubt all of these things will happen but we can hope people in the world can learn to be nice to each other and to make the world a slightly better place for us all.

My personal hope is for all countries to actively try to pollute less and stop using coal fired energy plants, an end and an alternative to oil dependence. I hope our world economies improve, I hope dictatorships end, I hope all terrorism ends, I hope for an end to free market policies, I hope I win the lottery, I hope devil child and sex man move home. Not much to ask for but we must be positive and hope for the best in life or there is no point in living. Ultimately, hope is all we have.

(1.Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs).

Related stories: Not my fight Mr Putin 

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Countdown to a baby

Just when I thought I could run for the hills and be free from baby poo and dribble, another baby is due to touch down, this time on planet Moscow.

The last kid was born in Slovakia and I must say the birth experience was easy and not stressful. As my wife lay in hospital, I sat at home, feet up, shoes off, beers and crisps within easy reach on the sofa, while I watched movies at home all day. This is not entirely true but more of a fantasy than a reality for me. The truth is, I was with her in the delivery room, pushing with her and feeling just as exhausted as she did. My new born baby plopped out in a bag and I filmed the whole event on my mobile phone and cut the umbilical cord, it was fantastic experience. At the Slovak hospital, they were very professional and the doctor was a very nice guy and a very good doctor. I felt we were in good safe hands at the hospital.

Baby, version 2, will be born in the motherland, here in sunny Moscow. My wife's head is spinning around, steam is coming out her nose and she is in a permanent bad mood, I may call an exorcist to remove her demons. Nothing that I say or do is right. It's been like this for several months now, I am a beaten and abused husband (more so than usual). It must be her hormones at war. To suffer a bloated stretched stomach, wind, back aches and bad sleep for about seven of the nine months.  It's hard for the woman as well. Joking aside, for seven months she has to suffer, I admire any woman that has a baby. No wonder she can be aggressive. At home, I keep a low profile and walk on tip toe, waiting to get my wife back and to once again have sleepless nights and endless nappy duties. Despite this prospect, I am happy and blessed to have another.

We threw away all the baby clothes after baby version 1 arrived, I had hung up my baby making tool kit and resigned myself to having just one kid. I was grateful for one. Little did I know that another would later come and arrive in Russia. I do know 'the birds and bees' and how to make a baby but I did not think I had the right fuel to make another, the first kid took five years to make and my fuel was a bit like Russian petrol (gas), watered down and dirty. Well to my surprise, I did make another one with my rocket fuel and it's all action stations getting ready for a Moscow birth. We have been shopping in Moscow in the sales for new baby clothes. The only time to buy any clothes in Moscow, is in the winter sales. You will not save much money but during this rare window of price normality, prices here can be comparable or the same as Europe, rather than being 30% higher than Europe. When this window opens, go shopping and spend your money.The baby business is worth billions and most parents are sucked into its sale vortex, buying all unnecessary things for their baby. Parents survived hundreds of years ago without plastic things, electronic gadgets and pointless nutrient powders but we are all conned and fooled into buying them as we think it will help our babies. We buy into the baby market like blind rats on a huge sinking ship.

I have begun to think that arranging the paper work to have a baby here in Russia is more painful than actually giving birth but then I would think that as I'm not a woman, thank god. To be legal, you have to get marriage certificates translated, stamped and certified in the country of marriage, get passports translated and stamped and wait for hours in pointless, dimly lit, old offices in Moscow to get bits of paper that prove the baby was born in Moscow and from the parents who claim to be its parents. This process cost money and takes time, a lot of time. We have not begun this process yet but have both begun to fill with dread at what is involved prior to actual the birth. I feel exhausted just thinking about it. In Russia, as foreign parents, you first give birth to lots of stamped paper, then give birth to the baby and then give birth not more stamped paper. Put simply, it's paper, baby, paper.

Most foreigners, go to a private clinic in Moscow and having a baby can cost anything from 3,000 euro and up to and over 20,000 euro. You can choose the doctor by experience, like choosing a car by engine size or a holiday abroad. We have yet to choose one but if I see a young guy, with spots on his face and a brace on his teeth, fresh out of doctor school, I will not book him to deliver our baby. They say you can see the doctors cars parked outside the hospital, cars such as Porches, BMW's etc all purchased via cash, from desperate foreigners and rich Russians. Baby delivery is big business in Russia and many doctors get rich doing it. I have the same disrespect for these doctors as I do for private medical clinics in Moscow but many foreigners have no choice other than to use these private clinics and private hospitals, as the Russian state hospital system is hard to know and hard to use if you are not a Russian. Insurance is a necessary evil when living abroad. The insurance companies have not helped the situation, as many insurance companies blindly pay what ever the insured person asks for.

Having a baby here will be an experience, an experience and one that fills me with dread and with excitement. I don't know how I am going to look after two but I have a feeling I'll need a lot of strength and a lot of organization. This blog, may be consigned to the shelf for now.

Related stories: Getting married & having a baby state side in Moscow,  Medical treatment for expats  A tale of two doctors , Life Olympics, Registering a birth in Moscow

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Your pension & red tape when abroad

For anyone moving abroad, red tape bureaucracy is unavoidable. We all hate it but It's vital to be able to correspond with your bank, insurance company and pension organization so that you have what you need now or when you retire. I can only offer suggestions in relation to my own country the United Kingdom (UK) with particular reference to the UK state pension. In the UK we pay national insurance (NI) contributions directly from our monthly or weekly pay. 

If you move abroad with your wife or husband, you will no longer be working or paying any national insurance. This is good and bad news. The good news is you will save some money, the bad news is you will get a small or no state pension when you reach retirement and will starve to death. You can always street busk, sell a kidney or take sensible action now. I recommend paying it each year while you are abroad.

Due to world wide online fraud, our beloved organizations such as banks, insurance companies and state benefit organizations, have had to protect their systems from fraudulent thieving bastards and they have had to protect your financial history and accounts from these bastards that want to take your identity or money. The keepers of your money, records and identity have now become so paranoid about fraud in the United Kingdom and over obsessed with data protection, that they cannot even read you back your home address on the phone if you call them to give them a change of address. You can try to call them from abroad and if you are unlucky you will be given set of options via a recorded message. A stern but sexy female voice, will ask you to choose an option. Option one for accounts, option two for payments, option three for an option on an option and option four for the main menu of options. You will then hear a boy band, playing their chart hits of five years ago while you wait to be connect to a human being. I use the word "human being" with extreme caution as often the person that answers your call may well be a grumpy, rude, badly trained young person who could not give a shit about you or your questions. This is not always the case and sometimes you get a helpful person, its all down to when you call based on time, day and luck, like Russian telephone roulette when calling these places to get money, ask a question or pay money. Sometimes, paying money to these places can be harder than trying to get it. When you live abroad, communicating with these powers houses of red tape, can be a test of nerves and strength, so please read below.

Before you call, make sure your kids are not there to tug at your sleeve or put the cat in the in the oven while you struggle on the phone to answer a million stupid security questions. Try to make these kind of calls when the kids are at kindergarten, at school or in bed asleep. Don't forget any time difference between countries and use Skype to save the cost of an international call. These steps, will save your sanity and your nerves. When you make your call, have a cup of tea or strong alcohol in your hand and be ready to wait, have all your reference numbers, account details, addresses current and previous, ready to refer to if asked by the bank, pension agency or insurance company. This will save you sweating and stress when the youth on the end of the phone asks you for your account number, NI number and secret security question such as what was the name of your first girlfriend or boyfriend and where did you live when you where two?  Sometimes, they will ask you for your mothers maiden name and may ask your dick size or breast size, so be prepared. If you use an online banking service to transfer money or check your millions, you may be required to enter in a complex set of codes to access your account and may be asked by the computer for the code to the meaning of life, so be ready to have the answer or go back to GO and pay two hundred pounds.

My concern when moving away from the United Kingdom, was that I would not continue to pay my British state pension. We all know that the state pension amounts to peanuts when you are old, senile, deaf and have no teeth but it will help with food costs and will allow to to buy three eggs and a loaf of bread each week so you won't starve to death but you may have to wait to get it. In Europe, they keep increasing the retirement age for reasons that they claim to be due to longevity and population increase, what they won't admit to is that they need to reduce immigration and increase tax to cover pension costs for their citizens. The chances are that if you are British and reading this, the retirement age will have been raised to be 105 years old, so you may die before you can claim it and they will save tax money. The politicians can then use this saved pension money to claim back yet more expenses for fancy dinners out and first class plane tickets on "governmental meeting" trips abroad.

Despite this grim picture, we have to be optimistic in life and assume most of us will live to retire and to claim our state pension, so I recommend to keep paying it if you can. You can Google the organization that you need to contact, everyone one is now on the all knowing and seeing World Wide Web. Information is usually easy to get and free blogs like this may help, see links below. If you are able to find their address and manage to reach them by phone, pat yourself on the back and feel proud of your achievement, I did after an hour of searching on the internet and after trying to call them and waiting on the phone, I now know one song of "Take That" very well. I must confess, I like Take That and sing their songs in the shower. These government web sites, bury their contact address and email address as deeply as possible on their web sites so that people don't try to contact them.

You can pay your British state pension once a year after April. You need to tell them you have moved abroad. Write to them as it may be quicker than trying to call them and give them your new address and national insurance number. They should then send you a letter each year, telling you how much to pay them. You can pay them online or send a cheque by post. The number of years to pay for your UK pension has been reduced, perhaps as sweeter for paying you later when you are 105 years old. If you have a private pension, then you can ignore everything I have suggested, as you will be so rich when you are old, deaf and toothless that you won't need a British state pension.

Related stories see: UK International Pensions Centre,  FAQ's

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Not my fight Mr Путин

I was recently contacted by a radio show asking me to give my opinion on the Russian protests that have been all over the international news this last week. Although I was flattered, I declined their offer and told them the only opinion I have is sourced from what I have read and seen in the international and local media. I told them that I try to avoid being political on the world wide web. However on reflection, no blog like this, would be totally complete without making some comment on what are clearly historic events that are happening in Russia while I am currently living here as an expatriate in Moscow. To be serious for a moment, on a blog normally with an ethos of humor, lets now focus on the recent street protests in Moscow because it would be disrespectful to ignore it and an opinion must be given.

I don't watch the news on TV but usually read the press online, simply because I don't have the free time or the patience to watch the same dribble and crap on every channel from shows like RT (Russia today), CNN or the BBC. No offense to any American cousins reading this but I can't stand to watch Americanized news (RT) or news that tries to over sensationalize world events for a story, however these events are real and are important to Russia and to the world. I live in Moscow and did not go to the protests because its not my fight or my business to get involved, however I do have an admiration and a great respect for any Russian that did take part in the street protests. I can only offer an opinion rather than getting involved at street level. Apathy is consuming society the world over, however, with a choice of crap, mad or bad, who do we elect to lead us? As has been proved in Iran, Russia and other countries, voting processes are deeply flawed and subject to wide spread cheating, It's little wonder we are all so disillusioned with our politicians and governments and simply don't bother to vote.

In my humble view, Russia's dear leader, Vladimir Putin was the right man for the job when he came to power but is no longer relevant. He built Russian up to be strong, while many of his government politicians and civil servants have filled their pockets via corruption and theft which are really the same thing. The reality is, that there is not a real strong alternative to him and he damn well knows it, with exception to a one or two billionaire embittered thugs, who threaten his territory. Putin recently went on Russian radio and almost laughed at the protesters, some say you can almost smell the arrogance wafting in a thick cloud, over the Moskva river. I reserve no judgement but it does indicate that change, may be a very hard women to bed.

Russia is a rich country in minerals and oil and yet outside Moscow, villages, towns and cities lay rotting with decaying hospitals, schools and infrastructure. Why is not the wealth distributed across the country to make it a modern example to the rest of the world and to its old enemy, America? I don't have those answers and would not have the audacity to suggest any. As a foreign observer of the situation here, I feel the elite in Russian hold onto power, lining their own deep pockets. The media and television is controlled by an unseen hand and the only real form of people power and truth, is via crappy social network sites that 99% of the worlds population now belong to and democratic action by mass people mobilization on the streets. The media here present no opinion or only give a neutral opinion on any event that tends to conflict with the ruling party in power. Any Russian journalist that does give an openly public opinion of those in power or who tries to expose corruption, is simply shot or beaten to death. Their deaths are never resolved and the case is closed and largely forgotten.

Some Russians would deny they are spoon fed a set reality via their own TV channels but always have the option to read the foreign press and to join social network sites and many have done so. They cannot be fooled or misguided any longer. On the other hand, many are very patriotic to Russia and very proud of Russia, they choose the bury their heads in the sand. I think this national pride and a naivety regarding of the rest of the world, makes many docile to the power that rules them. Countries like the United Kingdom and America are often seen as very bad examples of social harmony and patriotism and I agree with this belief, and in my own opinion, if used correctly, nationalism and patriotism is not such a bad thing for social harmony and peace. Russia has developed national pride and patriotism as a tool for social harmony, it has got some way to go to get the balance right between control, truth and fiction.

For all of Russia's negatives, one of the positives I have noticed regarding the society, is the pride people have in their country (as suggested above), this pride offers a brotherhood and social harmony that is lacking in other countries, Russian society is ruled with a stick rather than a feather and this can be an example to countries like the United Kingdom that are so wet and liberal, that the country is now an international joke and in free fall of moral and political decline. I am not saying a stick is the answer to rule and I don't agree with disguised dictatorships but I do feel that a population must be ruled with strength and with fairness, Russia has a strong rule but many suggest an unfair and corrupt one. Strength can often suffocate the weak, a strong rule must be combined with a fair democratic rule, where the people decide who to elect and who should ultimately rule them.

One thing is clear from these protests, things have to change and it's time for those in power to listen to the people and to stop the endless draining of resources via corruption, election fraud and bad rule. I am not convinced that things will change and if they do change, it will be very slow and it will be very painful for Russia. The ruling elite have too much to lose to change and to cut off the pipeline of money that flows into their pockets. Only time will tell. Countries like North Korea, China and Iran (some have bravely tried) could follow the example here in Russia of people saying we have had enough and we now want change, although sadly, those two countries don't have a free and uncontrolled internet and have fanatical dictatorships so the situation is a lot worse for them than it is here. Although the media love to sensationalize a situation, in the case of the protests here, the media attention is justified. Conspiracy theories of Americans taking part in the protests to stir up the situation are just conspiracy theories and have so far not been conclusively proved, although it is human nature to bate a fight, even after thousands of years of evolution. Like at every demonstration the world over, there are always anarchists around high on drugs or beer, who are looking for a fight. Putin and other players, should stop using that as a valid excuse to dismiss the protests as just another American or anarchist conspiracy. We are not seeing a copy version of an Arab spring in Russia but we are seeing a lot of very angry citizens who are brave enough to say, enough is enough.

The protests are not my fight, although if I had a Russian wife or girlfriend and lived permanently in Russia, I may have taken part in the street protests. If I was American or any other nationality with a relationship or family link to Russia, then I may have taken part, it would be my right to do so. However, trouble makers and anarchists would not have any right to interfere with Russian protests and we should expose them where possible.

I do not have any political solutions but I wish the people the best of luck and pray for a fair and peaceful solution for all. We can only hope for a better and more fair, open, honest democracy in Russia. Russia needs continued strength as well as fairness and an end to all corruption, perhaps this is a utopian dream that will never happen? We can only hope things change and be optimistic for a better future for Russian citizens.

Related stories see: Russia opens tainted parliament, Wiki List of murdered journalists, International corruption index,  The bear returns

A collection of Putin videos & documentaries: Putin, Russia and the west, Action man,  A journalist asking unwanted questions, Vladimir the great

Putin's nationalist youth group: Nashi

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Miss X and a gun

I went to meet a new student last week. It was my first paid work since losing fat boy and child X (see related stories below). I was given the usual Russian directions and told to take the middle wagon (carriage) and to turn left at the platform, go up the steps and turn left and wait outside for a black Mercedes. The reality was slightly different to the directions.

I arrived at the platform, turned left, went up the steps only to be given the option of taking a tunnel in three different directions. I went up to the street and waited, knowing I was probably on the wrong side of the road.

Prepositions are always a major issue for non native speakers of English and even for some native speakers of English. No sign of Miss X, my new English student. Snow began to fall and I was worried I would be late so I called her. She asked me where I was, I told her I was waiting in front of a restaurant that had a yellow neon bank sign on the roof, choose a bank before you eat, sometimes it's as crazy as America here with advertising. The problem with Moscow metro exits, is that they often have at least two exit steps and once at the top of these steps from the trains, you have often have a choice of tunnels that go off in different directions. The roads here are huge and metro stations have many exits, which makes finding your way to a street a hard challenge and even harder in another language not so unlike Klingon.

Flash back to before I arrived to meet Miss X. I had booked a babysitter for 3.00 pm  for a lesson that would begin at 4.30 pm. I arrived early at the station to meet Miss X, so I just waited in the warm until it was time. When you start a new lesson you can never be sure how long it will take to get there by metro. If you try to work as a teacher here and have your own kids at home, you have to pay for a babysitter while you work. You must charge enough money for the lesson and make enough money to pay the babysitter and make a healthy profit for yourself or it's a waste of time and money. The prices I charge, often result in no reply to an advert. Miss X did answer my advert and accepted my price, which surprised me as most people want something for nothing these days, especially when it comes to English lessons. Schools in Moscow are the worst for this and usually expect the world but give very little. Freelance is often the best path to follow, if you can get enough students to make a living here. This can take time and be hard to do, many foreigners combine an English school with private work to survive. I am fortunate in that I don't need to totally depend on paid work in my SAHD dad capacity but still need the green back to help with living expenses, we are not the "standard" all inclusive dream expatriate family. My situation is not so easy as I must pay someone when I work to look after my kid.

Miss X arrived at the station with a tall skinny boy. I asked her who he was and she said he was a friend. I thought nothing of it, as it's always sensible for any girl that meets a man she does not know, to take a friend with her, if I had a daughter I would tell her to do exactly the same thing. I followed them to her Mercedes and got in the back of the car. It was a two seat sports Mercedes. She drove and the skinny boy sat in the front seat and said nothing. We drove a short distance to her flat. I made conversation but skinny boy spoke no English, Miss X spoke fairly good English. Miss X was pretty, with plump breasts, that were squeezed together far too tightly in a bra to make them look bigger than they were, she was in her early twenties and despite her enslaved bouncy cleavage, she looked fairly innocent.

We arrived at her typical dank, tired Russian flat built in the early circa 1970's. I got out of the back of her sports car like a contortionist from a shoe box. Skinny boy got out and I noticed he had a gun sticking out the back of his baggy trousers (pants). This shocked me as being a Brit from a different generation, I am not used to seeing ordinary people carry hand guns, except in the movies. As we walked, I asked her why he had a gun? She said, he carried it sometimes and continued to walk to her flat entrance door as if it was totally a normal thing to do. Skinny boy left us and swaggered off down the road with a grin on his face and we went up to her flat. She said he was a bit "crazy", I asked her if he had a license for the gun? She said yes he did and I am a monkey's uncle. (A note dear reader), in Russia, if a person has a license for X, Y or Z it does not really mean very much as that license could have been bought, stolen or forged. The gun made me nervous and I wanted to leave.

We went into her flat and her mother welcomed me in the hallway while three small dogs ran up to me barking and licking me, she asked me to follow her into her bedroom. My male brain to cock light went on, if only for a moment and then faded to a dull flicker and went off. I am a married man and dating girls and going into young girls bedrooms, is a distant memory for me. We sat down on her bed and we chatted about her English and her experience of English and travels abroad to the United Kingdom. Her enslaved breasts wobbled up and down crying to be freed from their chains but not by me. The room was hot and airless. I began to gently sweat as I nodded to her talking to show her I was still awake. As I sweated while she spoke about her time on a course in London, her phone rang into life and it was skinny boy checking she was OK, she looked embarrassed by his call, a possessive boy fighting his jealousy perhaps? Thankfully the hour was soon up, we went into the kitchen and I felt relived I had not been shot by skinny boy or licked to death by her three dogs.

I can only come to the conclusion that the boy would like to be her boyfriend and saw himself as a mafia gangster, for all I know, the gun could have been a fake from a toy shop but I would not be at all surprised if it was real, borrowed from dad, got from a fat man at a market or stolen. Perhaps the way to a young girls heart or to her bed, is to a carry a gun in your trousers? Flowers, romance, looks and charm are no longer the accepted currency of love or lust these days or maybe not in Russia? Miss X was sweet and seemed a decent person, she should dump the dick head. When we finished the lesson, I met her father, brother and mother in the kitchen and they were very welcoming to me. She paid me my money and I left in a hurry to walk back to the metro station, it was good to breath the not so fresh Moscow air and to be alive.

I'm not sure I will go back there in case skinny boy is there with his gun down his trousers, still sniffing at her lamppost. I will think about it carefully before I go back to Miss X, I wish to live and don't want to associate with people who carry guns. Life is never dull in Moscow or it certainly isn't for me, despite my domestic SAHD chains.

Related stories see: Replaced by a personal trainer, A wind up a toy in a wind up toy,

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Expatriate Christmas gift ideas

Ask auntie Olga

With Christmas coming soon, auntie Olga has kindly decided to offer some more pearls of wisdom and advice on Christmas gifts ideas for expatriates living in Moscow and for anyone else in living abroad in other countries. Being a mother of ten children, she knows all about buying Christmas presents. Olga is also an expert on beauty tips and can offer the ladies some secret tips for maintaining their looks. When you are an expatriate abroad, away from your extended family of mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, nephews, nieces, aunts and uncles, it can be hard to know how to send them as a Christmas gift if you are unable to make it back home for Christmas and if they are unable to make abroad to see you in your temporary country of residence.

It's not so easy to send parcels from Russia but you can always buy some traditional Russian craft and take to them home next time you fly back. There are also many other options for sending gifts back home and auntie Olga will give you some suggestions. So hold onto your hats, take a pill of laughter, a pinch of salt and maybe get some good ideas for Christmas from our resident oracle, auntie Olga.

Russian craft gift ideas

Studio Nemolyaeva Anastasia- Furniture, gifts, interior designed studio and workshop Anastasia Nemolyaeva Skalník Benjamin. The designers are from Russia, Italy, England, Belgium and Holland. In addition, they have a great selection of toys Oksana Yarmolnik. Orders are taken via the web site daily, 24 hours a day, a manager will contact you to confirm your reservation from Monday to Friday, from 10:00 to 19:00. (The text is a Russian translation)

Contact the studio by email or visit their website however you may need to use Google translate if you don't speak Russian or ask a Russian friend to help you.

Christmas tree decorations: In Russia, you can buy wonderful handmade wooden Christmas tree decorations.  They are beautifully painted and very original. They are nothing compared to the vulgar glass and plastic tree decorations that you can buy in most shops during December. You can always buy these and post them back home using a courier service or take them back home next time you fly home from Russia. For examples see Russian crafts. You can buy these from most tourist shops and from the market mentioned below.

Izmailovsky Park and Market- Traditional handicrafts are an indispensable part of Russian culture. They contain the centuries-old but future-oriented experience of aesthetic perception of the world, preserve deep artistic traditions that reflect the authenticity of cultures within the multiethnic Russian society. Handicrafts are both an industry and a branch of folk arts. (The text is a Russian translation)

How to get there: The area is easily accessible by Metro. Travel east of the city center on the "dark blue" line to the Partizanskaya station. Exit the station and follow the crowds, walking left out of the station for about 300 meters. You will walk past a large hotel complex on your left before you reach the market, and you will also walk through a small outdoor market area where vendors sell mostly clothing and snacks, before you reach the Vernisage entrance. The Vernisage requires a 10 ruble payment to enter, a smile is extra. If you reach the area by car or other means, and are unsure which way to go, just look for the buildings that look like old Russian architecture, with onion domes and lots of wood. That is the Vernisage and Kremlin. Most drivers know which area tourists want to go to, and will take you directly to the Vernisage entrance.

It maybe be hard, expensive and impossible to post such items back home unless you can ask an expat friend to take a small box with them on the plane home next time they leave Russia. The Russian postal service is very much like the British postal service and has the habit of delivering your parcels somewhere else, broken, late or not at all. 

However, These traditional Russian gifts are a must have and you can always empty your wallet at the open air market and take your new gifts back home with you next time you fly back home. Anyone who spends a few years living in Moscow, cannot leave the country without a carpet, painting or wooden handcrafted painted box or egg.

Online gift ideas 

For anyone that is either busy, lazy or lacking in ideas for Christmas gifts and whose family live in the United Kingdom, you can always use an online service. If like me, you prefer to sit at the computer, with a large cake in one hand an coffee in the other, you can relax at home and take the stress out of physically shopping. You can surf the web, choose all your gifts and just enter in your credit card details. Shopping should not be stressful or exhausting, let your computer and your fingers do the work. Don't strain yourself.

One wonderful online service is the British store Marks and Spenser's. M&S have a wide range of nice gifts for everyone. You have to register on the site and they accept most credit cards. You can designate the delivery day. Choose from wine, chocolates, clothing, beauty products and lots of others things. They deliver on time and have a wide range of prices. Everyone loves M&S. You can order from any country and your family and friends in the United Kingdom will receive their presents to their front door almost anywhere in the United Kingdom.

Olga's best suggestions

For him & her: For the man or woman who loves life and who loves adventure and fun, why not try an adventure day from Virgin. If you cannot decided what experience to buy them, simply buy them a voucher and let them choose their own gift. They can have an experience of a life time, all paid for by you.

For the kids: You could just send a present to your little nephew or niece back home but why not be more imaginative and buy them an experience. Buy a red letter day experience and make them never forget such a happy day. These experience days are more imaginative than Lego, flowers, socks or soap. Let them talk to sheep, ride a hippo or spend a day in a tree house adventure land.

Olga's gifts for all

Don't just limit your experience ideas to your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or kids, buy your grandma, boss or friend an experience that they will never forget. As they sit up in their hospital beds with a leg in plaster, surrounded by get well cards and grapes, they will never forget your special adventure gift and will one day thank you for it.

Grandma will remember with affection, the day she did her parachute jump when she landed on the farmers cow shed roof and fell through into the cow manure below, your little nephew who always breaks your kitchen plates when ever he comes to stay, will fondly remember the day he reached speeds of up to 130 kilometers an hour on that winter Olympic bob slay run in snowy Austria. Your wife will always be grateful for that cooking weekend in windy Wales and will have new recipes to cook for you when you get home from work. Grandpa will never forget his bungee jump in the rain off of the Eiffel tower, when his pacemaker briefly stopped and when he spent the night at a hospital surrounded by those beautiful nurses.

A gift experience will never be forgotten, so make sure your nearest and dearest have a Christmas gift they will never forget as they wake up at night on cold flash back sweats, plotting the gift they will give you for next Christmas. Perhaps you will go on a helicopter trip into a volcano, ride naked on a wild horse through the forest or go up one way in a hot air balloon and see the earth from space.

Olga's top tips

For the wife, mistress or girlfriend: Buy your wife or girlfriend a romantic bottle of sparking white wine, bubble bath or chocolates, after all most normal women love sparkling wine, bubble bath and chocolates. Save that special gift for your other girlfriend or mistress, buy her some sexy underwear from Agent Provocateur or a weekend away in Paris or buy her a pair of chocolate liqueur flavored knickers.

For the kids: Buy your daughter or son, a mini vacuum cleaner and cooker and send them on a one day cookery baking course. That way when they at are a little older and aged about seven or eight, they will be able to help you with the housework and cooking. A present should be educational not just for fun. Educate them for life, not just for Christmas.

For the husband or boyfriend: Buy your husband or boyfriend an electric drill, tool kit or domino set. These presents will make a welcome change from the aftershave, DVDs, wine, beer or fun computer games. Why not buy your man a one hour Thai massage or pay for a weekend away at a luxury spa.

For the grandparents: Buy your old grandparents a will making set or pay for a professional probate lawyer, as you never know what the future holds and you would not want them to be distressed later when it comes to planning your money. After all, private schooling is very expensive these days so help them plan ahead. They won't need an old folks home and can just live in down in your cellar. Send both grandparents away on an all expenses paid luxury cruise to Somalia where they will enjoy the sea air and see real pirates. Note: It may be an idea to take out life insurance on them prior to the trip.

Have a wonderful Christmas and happy shopping.

Related stories see: Russian craft, Izmaylovo market, Ask auntie Olga 

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Ask auntie Olga

Welcome to a  new feature on this blog. A new feature to English Dad In Moscow is this section called ask auntie Olga. She is here as an agony aunt to help you with any problems or questions that are related to some of life's headaches, she is also an expert on many things and an oracle to life's questions. She will take over with from me with regular articles. Auntie Olga will do her best to help you and you can post a question under comments at the end of this post and be totally anonymous. If you would like to make a donation to her causes, please do so via Paypal. Auntie Olga urgently needs a face lift, alcohol, breast implants and she hopes to divorce her husband of twenty five years who she says is a good for nothing lazy bum. All of these needs come at a price and your money could help her achieve her dreams.

Don't be deterred by her look, she has a heart of gold and auntie Olga is wiser than the wisest of all women and can offer advice to you. She has lived aboard, raised ten children and is an extreme Origami champion, winning a gold medal at the international free style Origami Olympics last year. Olga has given advice to major world leaders on gardening, haircare, fiscal policy, social development, defense and saved a village in Africa from a twenty five double glazing salesman. Olga is an ambassador to many causes that include some of the following:  MCM, Menstrual Cycle Meltdown, WWSB, Women With Small Breasts, WAWU, Women Against Washing Up, HTLP, Help The Little People, WABH, Women Against Bum Husbands, STDB, Save The Dung Beetle.

Charity work: Olga has raised money for charity and has: Made the worlds largest flower arrangement that filled an Olympic swimming pool, made twenty bed covers for an orphanage made entirely out of belly fluff, run the Moscow marathon backwards wearing only a fox fur coat. She has raised a total of ten million euro for good causes.

She cannot offer medical or psychiatric advice but can offer you some solutions to some of your worries. Your question will be published but will be totally anonymous to you and the reader.

To start her off, she has decided to answer a few readers problems. Here is a brief sample.

• Leaving my home country

1. If I leave my country to move abroad will things change back home while I am gone? Generally speaking no. I moved abroad when my husband was posted to Iceland to work as a director of an Ice cream factory. Olga says: While we were away in Iceland, nothing changed back home. My neighbour was still crazy, the garden was full of weeds and the streets remained untidy and scruffy. You could leave a country for ten years and little would change. The only thing that will change is that you will get fatter and older. Don't worry, relax.

2. Will I survive without my extended family abroad?

Olga says: The answer to that question is yes you will. You will be far way from your mother and mother-in-law and will at last have some peace. You will be free to raise your children how you like for them to become dysfunctional hooligans, without you being given useless and stupid advice by your mother or mother-in-law. You always have Skype and if you can remember your password and you can contact your family back home at anytime and you have email. They will get used to you being gone and it will be fine.

• Phobias

1. I am afraid of flying is there anything I can do to cope with my fear?

Olga says: Many people are afraid of flying. The advice I can give you is to drink large quantities of whiskey when on the flight or if you are a non drinker take a natural relaxant. Alternatively, walk, go bicycle or take a boat if there is sea between your homeland and future destination.

2. I am afraid of marriage what shall I do?

Olga says: Many people don't get married these days and simply live happily together. This tends to save a considerable amount of money when couples split up as no lawyer is needed. Try to stay single and enjoy life.

• Religion

1 My husband wants me to wear a Burka and will not allow me to drive what shall I do?

Olga says: I have heard this problem all too often from many women. Refuse him sex and if he still insists you wear it, ask him to take the bus for a month and wear a black dustbin bag over his head when its +35 degrees outside. I am sure he will change his attitude towards you within a few days. If this fails, beat him around the head with a large copy of the Koran.

• Children

1.My four year old son keeps throwing his Lego down the toilet, what should I do?

Olga says: Lock the bathroom and make him use his potty.

• Sex

1. My wife has lost all interest in sex. I have tried to spice up our sex life by wearing my batman outfit and by introducing sex toys to the bedroom such as My little pony, Buzz light year and my home made  fuel injected 3 meter turbo vibrator, but she still is as cold as the arctic towards me, what shall I do to excite her? Olga says: It seems to me that she has become bored of sex and bored of you. This may be due to her age, mood or lack of attraction towards you. Have you tried a local prostitute or thought about leaving her? Don't give up, I am sure the flame of desire will soon return, just be very very very patient.

2. I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. I found 3 used condoms in his pocket the other day when I was doing the washing, should I leave him? Although I still love him!

Olga says: Us women have been subjected to this for centuries by stupid men. My advice is be strong and uncompromising. Take all his clothes out of the cupboard and throw them on fire out the window. Get him drunk and when he is sleeping, super glue shut the end of his penis and glue small duck feathers over his entire body. He will either leave you or love you. Its a risk worth taking. Good luck dear heart.

• Work

1. My boss wont give me the promotion I deserve. I have achieved all my targets and worked for the company for thirty six years. Should I leave or give up trying? Olga says: Have you tried blackmail? Try to take some uncompromising photo's of your boss and send the photos to his wife, alternatively get some information on him and send an anonymous email threatening to reveal his secret. If this does not appeal to you go into his office, cry and tear all your clothes off in a fit of desperation. Good luck and be strong.

• Beauty care

1 My skin is getting very dry and my husband says I have wrinkles. I have tried conventional creams but nothing seems to help. Olga says: Us women are slaves to our looks and have to work at being lovely. I was told this secret to dry skin and wrinkles by my old Russian grandmother and I will share it with only you. Take one jar American junky peanut butter, three pickles, one piece of fresh white fish and a large paper bag. Before bedtime, paste your face with the junky peanut butter, slice up the cucumber, cut up the fish and place the slices of cucumber and fish over your entire face. Put the paper bag over your head leaving a hole to breath and sleep like this till the morning. In the morning, rinse off the peanut butter and you will have soft glowing skin. You can re use the cucumber and fish and feed to your husband in a soup for his dinner. When you walk to work, try avoid wild street cats as you may be followed to work by several, if this happens spray your self liberally with Coco Chanel and run.

•  Comment

Please feel free to write to Olga regarding any topic below. She cannot offer any other advice on medical issues or on psychiatric mental illness but can offer you a shoulder to cry on and wisdom if you need it. Please be sure, you are not alone and no problem is too big to solve. Leave your problem or question under a comment on this page. Olga is your agony aunt. In all seriousness, she will try and answer your questions.

• Issues she can help you with:

1. Wild and uncontrollable children

2. Marriage issues relating to sex, jealousy and equality

3. Relationship issues

3. Moving abroad and relocation

4. Career advice

5. Phobias (non psychotic)

6. Pets

7. Social networking

8. Family issues abroad

• Issues she cannot help you with:

1. Political dictatorships

2. Your bank balance

3. Your sexual anatomy

4. Your delusions

5. World famine

6. The meaning of the universe

7. Any medical issue

8. Your wardrobe

• Support these causes: MCM, Menstrual Cycle Meltdown, WWSB, Women With Small Breasts, WAWU, Women Against Washing Up, HTLP, Help The Little People, WABH, Women Against Bum Husbands, STDB, Save The Dung Beetle.

• Disclaimer: Any advice given by Olga is only advice and given as a suggestion. She cannot and will not offer any medical related advice on any topic. The 'advice' is in the form of an 'agony aunt' section and cannot replace professional treatment or counseling.  How you interpret her advice is up to you. Olga is not a professional but just an old, wise, ugly woman who has been round the block. Olga reserves the right to refuse giving any advice and all comments are screened before a reply is offered.

Post your question under comments below

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