Raising kids abroad & the issues

The challenge

I wanted to find out the difficulties that some expat children and their parents may face when living abroad away from their country of registered citizenship. I am in that situation and will share some of what I have found out with you. I know I am not alone and that there are many parents of mixed language living abroad. However, finding them to ask them their experience is not so easy.

Growing up abroad for children who are not from the country where they temporarily live, must be a challenge, depending on their age when arriving in the host country. It must be hard for some kids to adjust to and to identify with their host country in terms of culture and assimilation and hard for their parents. Some kids are born abroad while their parents are posted in a particular country. I contacted Kate Berger, Expat kids club who works and lives in the Netherlands and is a Child Development Specialist, to ask her opinion on some of these issues. I compiled a list of brief questions for her. These question and answers are below. Thanks Kate.

About Kate

Kate Stevenson Berger, MSc, Child Development Specialist & Expat-Kid Cultural Consultant. She is native-New-Yorker, and she was first drawn to the Netherlands in 2006 to study the cultural differences in fundamental, psychological processing. She understands the unique opportunity that comes with living abroad, as well as the specific challenges That face as expatriates. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from the George Washington University (Washington, D.C.), and an MSc in Child and Adolescent Psychology from the University Leiden.

These questions are broad based since every child is different but the questions and answers should help to identify some key issues that expat kids and expat parents may face when living abroad. Note: Many children of expat parents are born abroad but take the country citizenship of one or both parents. Some children living abroad have parents who are of a different nationality and language, I am in this situation. These kids will hear three different languages. One language from each parent, plus the country of temporary residence native langauge. In my case, Russian and two other languages.

Questions

1 My question: At what age do children usually identify with as being a certain nationality?Kate’s answer: During mid-childhood (ages 6-9) kids develop an understanding that others’ have different viewpoints and can begin to differentiate themselves from other groups so this would be the age when national identity begins to evolve (which is still somewhat superficial). 

2 My question: How do children cope mentally at school with other children who are not their nationality?Kate’s answer: The great thing about kids is that they are so accepting of others, for one reason because they might not be aware of global political and social contexts, and therefore will not even need to “cope” with kids from different nationalities, but will just accept them: for example, despite the fact that Susie comes from Thailand and Tamika comes from Florida, they will enjoy playing together because they both like Dora the Explorer.

Of course in a learning environment, having kids from many nationalities can be a challenge, but generally more so for the teacher - who has to be able to relate to all his/her students - than the kids themselves!

3 My question: How do children feel when they return to their country of citizenship for holidays?

Kate’s answer: It can be wonderful to reconnect with family, friends, and heritage, but also can be very challenging. Many times kids have expectations about what “home” will be like and then they get there and have a difficult reality-check in that life has gone on without them – friends have changed and have new friends, culture progresses, etc. It’s important for parents to support their kids and give them a chance to feel and express emotions about this. 

4 My question: How do children feel when they return to their country of citizenship to live permanently?

Kate’s answer: Some kids might be thrilled to live back at “home” – the place they have always longed to return to, while others might struggle to fit in since they themselves have changed from their time abroad. It’s important to take time to address this “reverse culture shock” that often occurs, and support kids during the transition. 

5 My question: If some children have difficulties in being accepted among other kids at school as they are foreign, what are the best methods for expat kids to cope with these possible conflicts and acceptance issues? Kate’s answer: Prejudice is always best overcome by having shared positive experiences, so if kids can reach out to peers who might not accept them, and share the uniqueness about one’s own culture this will go a long way.

6 My question: In what way can kids who are citizens of a country have issues with other kids who are not from their country? Kate’s answer: Language, experience, family composition, eating culture, customs, etc. can all be initially confusing and/or amusing.

7 My question: Are there any long term effects on the kids of expats who spend part or the whole of their childhood living away from their country of citizenship? Kate’s answer: Exposure to unique cultures, multiple language acquisition, life experience, self-confidence and personal identity are all some of the positive effects of spending time abroad. Of course there are unique challenges that are very real and tough– having difficulties making and retaining friends, have a sense of non-belonging, grieving people and places, etc. are some of the challenges, but in my opinion with sufficient support the positives of living abroad outweigh the costs.

8 My question: What advice would you give to expat parents who may face behavioral problems with their children who have difficulty in assimilation and adapting to a new country at school with kids who are not their nationality? Kate’s answer: Behavioral problems are almost always a “red-flag” indication that a child is struggling in some way. Talk to your kids, and try to keep them involved in decision making processes that effect day-to-day family life. It can be tremendously helpful for kids to have an outlet for their socio-emotional needs. I see this with a lot of kids that I work with – they might not have “big” problems, but are struggling enough that day-to-day life is challenging and less enjoyable, after giving them a chance to deal with what they’re going though we see drastic improvements in their mood and relationships (e.g. with parents), etc.

9 My question: What the advantages for expat kids growing up for a few years and mixing with other kids who are not their nationality? Kate’s answer: see above.

10 My question: What are the main disadvantages for kids of expat parents growing up abroad in another country that is not their country of citizenship?  Kate’s answer: see above.

To contact Kate for a consultation or to attend a course or workshop email Kate.

Further information have a look at the Multilingual Children's Association. It's full of useful information for idiots like me who want to find out more on this issue.

My kid is not yet three but still does not speak any language and I am a little worried about it. My wife is a different nationality to me so therefore speaks another language.  She only speaks her language to our kid and I only speak my language, they say that's how it should be done. Specialists, suggest that children of mixed language parents often speak later than others, I hope this is true. As parents living abroad, we feel a little guilty that we have forced a disadvantage onto our child, however this may only be paranoia according to Kate when she refers to expat kids in her article 'Expat parents & relocation' . Most of her advice is directed at moving to the modern European country of Holland and does not discuss more challenging countries but it's a useful guide and can be broadly translated to more challenging countries. I think a lot of a child's experience of assimilation and acceptance, depends on his or her age when they move abroad and if they are born aboard. See below.

It must be tough for some kids to return to their parents country and to start again in a culture and place that they have never really known apart from family holidays. The same could be said for immigrant children who move abroad with their parents to start a new life abroad in country where the language is not their own. I am not an expert, but I would think the earlier a child lives in a country that is not their own, the better and easier it is for their development and assimilation into that country as individuals and as speakers of that language.

An interesting but complicated topic? Well at least it is if you have kids, two languages and live abroad, if you don't this is a rather boring topic, so sorry if you are none of the above. As for me, I have a lot of further reading to do on this issue. Perhaps I will get some more answers? If you have experience, let me know please, although I feel I have raised more questions than answers to my predominately silent audience.

Note: There are other possible issues that go with raising a kid abroad other than just language.  Issues such as schooling, finding a good school, school costs, quality of education and a different education, childcare, absent family, bonding with family, long distance travel, cultural conflicts, stability with roots due to many moves, behavior issues and medical issues.

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Eating out in Moscow

I rarely eat out in Moscow. This is mostly due to childcare costs when hiring a baby sitter. To spend two hours in a restaurant, you need about one hour to get there and one hour to get back for a leisurely unrushed meal. That amounts to four hours of a paid babysitter, plus the cost of your meal out. Also, the cost of eating out here and the quality of food is a huge gamble. If a restaurant is good, then paying a babysitter for four hours is defiantly worth it, if a restaurant id bad then your money is burned.

This weekend, we ate out at a restaurant called The Eastern rooms in Vostochnaya Komnata, Smolensky Passage. We have lived abroad now for seven years firstly in Slovakia. Eating out there was very cheap and very good. Here in Moscow, you have a good choice of restaurants but they are an experience. I mostly eat in McDonald's, not because I regard it as a fine eating establishment but it hits the spot when you are hungry and stop caring about your cholesterol levels. It pains me to eat there out of snobbery and an American fast food loathing but I am a bitch to easy filling food.

I have a love of curry (Spicy Asian food from India), I can almost say I love curry more than sex, in fact I can almost say I love all food more than sex, but then again I am getting older and my urges have jumped ship to another pleasure boat of desire food. In my experience, eating out in Moscow is rather a disappointment. The food is usually average, the price high and the waiting service can be bad and often rude. At The Eastern room, the food was very good, however the service was very irritating and seems to be a common experience in Russia at many restaurants. The food arrived very promptly and was hot and delicious. I had Chicken Tikka Masala, vegetable rice, spicy creamy chick peas and garlic naan bread washed down with a small non alcoholic beer followed by a bottle of water. The non alcoholic beer was 200 rubles ! (five euro) and like many places here, we had to buy bottles water that came in small plastic bottles rather than one large bottle. The meal for two came to 2,200 Russian rubles (92 Dollars, 64 Euro). Good value by Moscow standards.

The food was good but as I said, the service was typical of Moscow. As soon a dish was finished on our table or a glass was empty, the waitress would come to the table and take it away. My plate was taken away before my wife had finished her meal. The waitress would appear like a genie and disappear to remove plates or glasses while we were talking, she even wiped the table while we were eating. The restaurant had us and one other table occupied, apart from that it was totally empty. Maybe she was bored? In my opinion, when you eat a meal you don't want to be bothered by waiting staff taking away your plates before you have finished. I could feel my left eye nervously twitching and we had to ask her to leave us alone until we had both finished our meal. I have noticed this habit is fairly usual in former Socialist countries. Often, you can be at the table in a restaurant and you have both ordered your food. Your partners food will be arrive first and when they have almost finished eating there food, your order will arrive. You put your knife and fork down on your empty plate and it will be taken away in an instant by a waiter. I have even seen the most evil mistake in the world, red wine served cold from a restaurant fridge, although this was in Slovakia and not in Russia I am happy to say. I am thinking of starting a staff training business on how to serve customers in restaurants, I reckon I could increase profits at thousands of restaurants in Moscow and in other former socialist countries.

Despite my criticism of The Eastern room, the food is very good, fresh and perfect. Eating there is easy, finding it is not. To get to this restaurant you must first walk to the end of the Old Arbat. Turn left at McDonald's and go under the road to get to the other side of the street. Take the steps on the right out of the underpass and walk across the zebra crossing. You will pass a posh women's underwear shop on your left, walk into the posh shopping centre 'Smolensky Passage' and walk to your right, go through some double doors on the ground floor, turn right at the lifts, turn left, go down some stairs, turn right past a glass fish tank that has one very large lonely crab in it, (if you tap his tank window, he will point a claw in the right direction) go through a Chinese restaurant, go up the stairs and the restaurant is on your left opposite another restaurant. I have not made up these directions, they are true, as mad as it all sounds, try it and you will see. The shopping centre seems to have about two hundred security guards standing around doing absolutely nothing, so if you speak Russian, ask them if you get lost. There are no visible signs to say where the restaurant is.

The curry hunt is worth it, if you can tolerate a fly buzzing round your table while you try to eat some excellent food. This restaurant is far better and cheaper than The Taj Mahal in Moscow, that looks like an Indian whore house. However they don't give you free chapatis at The Eastern room. 'Free' is not a word that goes well with anything in Moscow.

I am inclined to think that Russian's would sell their own grandmother to make some money. They built a nuclear plant in Iran and invited the leader of North Korea over for tea but I digress. Go to a restaurant on recommendation, rather than take a gamble or your wallet and stomach may be very disappointed. Their business card has no website on it only a phone number: 937 84 23.

Note: if you are reading this a few months or years since I wrote this article as dated above, the restaurant is probably now closed and is now a shop store room or a public toilet. 

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Moscow, a temporary home

We would all like to live where we feel comfortable, peaceful and safe. Some people have found such a place. Some people live by the sea, in the countryside, in a village, valley or in a large dirty city. Many people spend years searching for the place they want to be in to follow that well known song by U2. We are approaching our two year mark of living in Moscow Russia and its been an emotional fight for me.

The first three months in Moscow I hated it, the next six months in Moscow I hated it. By the first twelve months I hated it, then slowly month by month after that as we approach our two year stage here, I began to dislike it here rather than just hate it.  Then after the riots in the UK a realization struck me like a bolt of lightening. I would rather live in Moscow, than in any large British city. Two years is not a long time by many expat living abroad standards but long enough for a place like Moscow and long enough for me. I have come to get a feel for the place, although I don't yet know many Russians. Russian people have a hard exterior like an old walnut and keep a guarded emotional space but the ones I have met, seem decent enough. People are often hard like this in large cities the world over. Women in playground are cautious of a man with a child and at times I still feel like a fairground freak, even after two years of doing my SAHD job.

I have the feeling, that Russians have more respect for each other, more than we do in the United Kingdom. Moscow certainly seems safer and more law abiding than London does, although there is crime here, it is mostly in the form of corruption that is not really seen as 'crime' in Russia. We go where life takes us and I and family are no exception to that old rule. I have written before about accepting Moscow and publically criticized Moscow. I am not a fan of Moscow and make no secret of it but I consider myself lucky to have a home, food and we have money, lucky not to live in  a poor council estate or in a rough part of a city like London where only the mad and bad survive. Moscow for now, is our temporary home and despite my dislike of it as a place, I am grateful for the experience.

If you are moving abroad to Moscow, you will either hate it or love it but a lot depends on your reasons for coming here and on your pocket. Some men come here because they have met a woman via an online dating site or in person, some women come here, meet Russian men and marry them. One thing is for certain, anyone who marries a Russian is committed emotionally to Russia for the long term and have to make Russia their home. They know that Russia is like any country and not perfect but they live with it, they have to. They signed a long term contract without a real get out clause.

You either feel a place is for you or it is not for you, like trying on a pair of trousers, they either feel right and fit or feel right but look awful. Moscow is like that and perhaps many places are like that. I have the reassurance and a contract get out clause. I will not be here for the long term and will be gone from here one day. Moving to Moscow is also a bit like doing a tough degree course, you must read your subject, feel it and understand it to pass your exam. For me, Moscow is an exam and a learning processes. Russia is a learning process. I am at the first week stage to understanding my subject Moscow, Russia and Russians. Like the U2 song, I have still not found where I want to be but Moscow is not it. I'll keep learning and little by little, I may like it here, I have not given up yet. Moscow as a city is like a vast living organ, pumping blood and breathing, you have to dissect it to truly understand it's mechanisms and culture.

Number two child is to be born here next year, so a new chapter and adventure will begin here in Moscow, as they say, double the bum, double the fun for this stay at home dad. Nappies will continue. Its funny, as my son has only really known Moscow as 'home', in his young life but when he is in his teens he may not even remember his time in Russia but he will have an attachment to the place where I have no emotional attachment at all. One child will be born here and we will have it on paper. When I go home, I feel a foreigner when I am here I feel a foreigner. One day I may find my home like many, I am still looking for a place to call a permanent home, to shed my backpack, my snails shell and to have a base and an HQ.

The London riots

Due to recent shocking events in my home country, I feel compelled to give my opinion and to get political. If you are interested in the United Kingdom, current affairs or sociology then read this.

Political opinion

The political left winger would predictably suggest that the riots happened because people are poor, without a future or job and that they have been let down by the country that should have supported them in times of personal and financial hardship. This has been written about here in The Moscow News and in the Guardian newspaper.  The extreme right and political right wing would argue that many of the rioters were black, illegal immigrants that should have been shot. The moderate right wing would argue that many of the rioters were hooligans, yobs thieves and that the police force should be tougher, stronger and that sentences for stealing and public disorder should be strict and hard. They would argue that social disorder is happening across the United Kingdom because society is in moral meltdown. The police force is too small and underfunded and that there is little to no deterrent anymore to prevent crime and disorder from happening. They may also argue that benefits are too generous and that criminals and young offenders should be locked up for a long time. They would say that the young rioters should be sent to a young offenders institutions and that the United Kingdom should return to a form of military service. They would argue that military service will help install discipline and order into the young since they lack any discipline now. Some right wing believers would also push for a return of the death sentence for some crimes and the right and extreme right would ask for a stop to all further immigration into the United Kingdom.

The sociologists opinion

The sociologist would suggest rather than ague, that the reason the riots happened was not because some thug got shot and the people were rioting because of his death but he would say they were rioting because the people are angry and let down by the system and by the state. The people lack hope, they lack a future and many come from poor areas of the city. Many come from single patent homes. Many come from dysfunctional homes, broken homes where the the father or mother is an alcoholic, drug user, absent from the home or is a career criminal. The Untied Kingdom is in economic crisis caused by bad policy by the previous government and by the world financial crisis.

However some research by yet more sociologists, will most likely find that many of the 'rioters' or thieves if you prefer to call them that, were actually from middle class wealthy families. They got involved in the anarchy on the streets because they read about it on Face Book or heard about via their mobile Blackberry. They organised en-mass on the streets, with just one intention, to steal and have a laugh, and they will say 'it was something to do'. Many of the rioters were as young as thirteen, many were black and many were on court probation for other crimes. The riots were not just caused by poor blacks or by people from broken homes. The fact is that many that took part in the riots from poor areas of the United Kingdom, may lack a basic education and many probably have learning difficulties (dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder etc) and no academic qualifications. These people see mass people rebellion on the television in other countries and want to emulate it in the UK, not understanding the difference in cause or reason. Some suggest, that gangs are the new leaders that now rule large areas in cities across the UK. They have a strong hold and a strong influence on those of limited intelligence and on those with limited prospects. The United Kingdom lacks role models and the politicians steal. It is little surprise that all respect for authority has broken down.

Any attempt to be critical of the black community, is now seen as 'racist' in an over political and paranoid politically correct British society. Applying the 'racist' label to almost any critic is now seen as cool, trendy and fashionable, regardless if it is a valid or a fair judgement of opinion.

Some psychologists have recently suggested that people are 'opportunists', they say we are all opportunists. They give the example of a shipwreck. A ship carrying a cargo of wood or electrical goods hits rocks in bad weather and is stuck out to sea on the rocks. Containers of the ships cargo wash onto a beach, people see these containers and everyone runs to the beaches to steal these free gifts from the stranded ship. These people are usually law abiding, honest people who pay their parking tickets and who never commit any kind of crime. These people are opportunists and the attraction of free things is too strong to resist, their mind tells them it is morally wrong but as everyone else in on the beach stealing, they don't see it as wrong and so just follow the large crowd. The rioters were just like people taking goods from a shipwreck in times of economic strain.

The blame game

Politicians on the right and left in the United Kingdom will blame each other. The left will say that communities lack support and social services and welfare is underfunded. They will blame the right and liberal coalition of not being active and of being out of touch with the British people. The Police will say they are underfunded swamped down in bureaucracy and will blame the government. The right will say the Human Rights Act needs to be abolished or rewritten as there are few and weak laws to protect the public from criminal activity and that the law is too soft and to weak on criminals and on criminal disorder. This blame game will continue in the newspapers and in the government for many months and experts will argue why and how the riots could have happened and how they could been prevented. No one will say it was their fault that it happened. Like the world over, people blame each other rather than accept responsibility for their own failures.

The sane reality

The real reasons, in my own opinion is due to a mixture of the above and more. The reason these riots happened, is because of lack of personal opportunity in the times we live in, internet technology, a failing education system, unfunded and understaffed police, weak public laws, bad parenting by those who are the parents of the young rioters, absent fathers and moral meltdown, combined with a twenty four hour must have now society.

The collective society has disappeared to be replaced by the individual. Networking technology is also a dangerous tool in the hands of the anarchist or thug. People without any computer skills, can post a party, flash mob, murder, sports event or riot event to thousands of people using just the internet and a social network site. Before we had such easy and free technology, mass public announcements or meetings were hard and time consuming to arrange. They can now be done in moments using a keyboard and an internet network membership.

There is little doubt, that many of the rioters were black and many were from very poor areas of cities like London, many were also white and young, many were also known anarchists whose main aim was and is to cause mayhem and trouble. Over the last decade or so, communities and community spirit and bad policy making by different governments, have removed the collective spirit in the population. We now live in a selfish must have society and in a society where in some countries like the United Kingdom humanity, honesty and kindness are fast disappearing. Our hearts arteries are being chocked by the fat of selfishness. Fuck you is the new mantra and the new god.

The fact is that the British police force is too small and too tied up in bureaucracy. The Human Rights Act has to be removed or rewritten as the consequence of crime and laws are there to protect the criminal rather that those of the victim in the United Kingdom. Many people are opportunists but many of us have a sense of moral duty and a conscience. I am sure that many people who saw a shipwreck, an unlocked shop door or a lost wallet, would not steal but would report it and do the right and honest thing. Not because they are wealthy, religious or on a moral high ground but because their parents and education taught them right from wrong. I am sure even people from a poor family would do the right and honest thing, we are what our past makes us. The reason some do wrong is because they are broken and need fixing. Their past has damaged them. We would not all steal cargo from a shipwreck or rob from a shop.We have a choice and can follow honesty and decent behaviour or choose the other path but we can, with help, repair our past. We all control our destiny but need help via laws and by good government policy in order to be good citizens in a civilized society.

In countries like Russia, China or Iran, mass demonstration is stamped on hard and with brutal force. Governments have zero tolerance to crime and mass anarchy or democratic demonstration. We don't need the kind of system that Iran or China has in the United Kingdom but we do need tougher laws and penalty and in my opinion, a form of paid national service for the young. This national service would last just six months and would be compulsory for all eighteen year old people and would apply to males and females regardless of colour, sexuality or social background. They could choose to do it in the wide community such as at a hospital, in a school, public park, forest management, nature conservation, in industry or in the army. They would sleep in army barracks and follow a strict daily routine to teach them disciple where their parents or schooling failed them. They would be paid for it. The young should be given greater opportunity and involvement in their communities. More money must be put into policing, school education and into communities. We need to feel proud of our country. This pride can only be returned by our politicians. We need to care about each other.

National service of some kind won't totally solve the social breakdown problems for the under 18's but would be a start. There has always been those that have and those that don't have. We need a large stick and a soft feather. A large stick with tough new laws and a feather with social help, infrastructure for the needy, jobs and above all, hope and respect for other people and for private property. This is not utopia but a possible reality if the will and effort is there by the population and by the government.

Governments, cannot leave society to find its own way to happiness and to social harmony. Intervention and help is urgently needed now, the free market idea has failed. Social network sites should be monitored and controlled without taking away freedom of speech and freedom of choice, a difficult thing to do and I do not know how it would be controlled? These days most people won't do the right thing or follow rules unless there is a financial or penal custodial penalty. Laws are the only way to control the masses. Perhaps the world will go a full circle and revert back to rule of law that we once had the past?

The United Kingdom is far to liberal and far too soft and laws have to change now. Without change, anarchy and crime will get worse and the extremists and far right will gain power and the country will sink further into the dark abyss. The United Kingdom is a sinking ship without lifeboats, lets save it now and make changes.

I would happily do national service and would send my own children to do it. We don't need a costly report written by experts on the causes of the riots in England, we don't need to debate it for hours, days, months or years. Most of the solutions are common sense, you may agree with none or some of the above, that is your choice. Anyone that has an interest in society, will sit at the dinner table or in the pub and come up with solutions. This seems to be an impossible task for our elected politicians to make changes and to act. They lack balls, courage and conviction to make our country a better place. The vote is all they seem to care about. Every thing I have said and suggested here is not rocket science or genius, just basic common sense. I may complain about Moscow but I am think I am very lucky not to live in a major city in the United Kingdom.

The insane reality

A report costing lots of money may or may not be produced and will take six to twelve months to be written. It will never be published. Laws will not change and the Human Rights Act will remain. The police will be reduced and continue to be underfunded and yet more black kids will continue to form gangs and kids of all colours will knife and kill each other. Riots and mobs will continue to meet via online network site announcements. Network sites will remain unchecked and uncontrolled as it will be called 'democracy' and 'freedom of speech'. Promises of change will be trumpeted by the prime minister and his ideas will be blasted by the left in live TV House of Commons debates in point scoring games. The worst case scenario could be that all is forgotten and life goes on as usual.

We stand more chance of saving the UK and the world if a TV super hero like Barnacal boy or Mermaid Man were to come out of the the TV and save us all. I hope I am wrong on the insane reality.

I will now return to blogging about Moscow, Russians, Russia, SAHD's and travel. Sorry for my cheeky political diversion but it had to be said. I exercise my democratic right by the pen and keyboard not by the knife, boot, flame or gun.

Note: Barnacle Boy and Mermaid Man are fictional super heroes from a funny kids cartoon called SpongeBob.

Note: Further reading see here and Winston Smith, working with the underclass.

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