Catherine's house at Easter

Tsaritsyno park is for me, an oasis in the concrete jungle of Moscow. We went there today for the first time and I was very pleasantly surprised. You arrive at the metro Tsaritsyno and go down a ramp and turn right under a road bridge to get to the park. Outside the metro, there is a large outdoor market selling mobile phones, Cd's and electronic goods most if it looking like crap. It is scruffy and full of odd people but who knows bargains could be found if you look? At first, I thought it would be another park in Moscow, much like any other but it is beautiful by Moscow standards.

You make your way through the grand park entrance gate and can see the park sweeping down and up to the distance. Walk down to the lake area and walk up to the palace. Today was sunny and the sky was blue, the park was busy due to that fact that today is Easter and religious Russians make tall cakes covered in white icing and take their cakes with red wine to the church to be blessed by the priests to celebrate Christs rise to heaven. The cake could be Christs body and the wine his blood?

Outside the palace, there is a church and there were tables all laid out and people had gathered and had put their cakes and red wine on the tables to be blessed. Two or three priests, dressed in long black gowns, with curly beards and very greasy hair walked by the tables splashing people with holy water. Pity I had a shower this morning. Underneath the blue spring sky, the atmosphere was happy and peaceful. For the first time since arriving in Moscow, I felt peaceful and happy to be in this stinky traffic city of millions. I am not religious but I like religion, it brings people together and gives purpose and hope. I think that if a peaceful non fanatical religion were to be followed more by people across the world, this world would be a more harmonious and better place for us all. People no longer have faith or hope and just live for themselves and for today, which is very sad. We are shaped by consumerism and by greed rather than by good and kindness.

We made our way up from the church to Tsaritsyno palace and despite the religious event in the park we walked past many pretty girls who were wearing shorts and tights posing for the camera for their Face Book pages. Face Book or its Russian equivalent, is their religion, their electronic pathway to gossip, love, lust and friendship, probably in that order.

The palace looks as if it has been restored to very high standard and is truly beautiful and is red brick Gothic in style. The palace was built for Catherine the great. There is a museum at the back of the place and to get to it you take lift down under ground. I was very impressed at how clean and modern it all was, as usually when you visit any tourist places in Russia, they are almost pre revolution in modernity and in function, scruffy and badly run. The museum at Tsaritsyno park is not like this at all and is excellent. We arrived at about three in the afternoon so had no time to look at the museum. If you go, spend the day there and get there early mid morning. I expect it gets very busy in the summer and very hot. The best time to go would be at the end of the summer or at the start of the new year. Catherine the great is an interesting story and worth reading about if only to find out about her death. Rumor has it that she either died while having sex with a horse or died while sitting on the toilet. The truth is that she probably died of a stroke but I prefer the other stories as they are far more interesting.

I will defiantly go back and spend the day there, eat lunch on the grass, look at the pretty girls and see the palace and museum.

Traditions: last night at midnight, we looked down from our flat window and could see people walking around the local church all holding red candles, apparently they pass three times around the church. The bells then rang out it was so nice to see and experience. See Russian Easter traditions. 

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To be an alien

I'm off again on a ramble of some disjointed thoughts. Sorry dear reader.  This time, about my homeland and about feeling an alien wherever I go, especially when I go back to the United Kingdom. I thought it would be interesting to discuss how a person feels about their country when they have not lived in it for a while. In my case for over six years. Not a long time by many standards but a long time for me.

I rarely go home to the UK, partly because I now have a family, partly because of the cost of paying for flights and hire cars and partly because I don't really want to go home. When I go home I feel like a visitor, like an alien. This is not a new feeling for me since my wife is not English, so when I go to her country I feel like a visitor plus I don't speak her Francophone language. Female language is hard enough for us men to understand but combine that with a language of another country and you have a tough time getting by. I still don't speak Russian and have no immediate plans to learn it. I don't know the exact date but have been married for about a two hundred years and still don't speak my wife's native language, so I can't see much hope in me learning Russian as well. In short, I hate languages. I could teach myself these missing languages but I think I would get bored after a while, I would rather watch grass grow than study language. I am my own linguistic enemy, trapped in a world of simple or non communication. Sorry, I digress.

I expect, I am not alone in this feeling of being an alien. Some expats who have set up home permanently abroad, probably feel very strange when they go back to their birth countries. Everything has changed, their villages, towns and communities. Life moves on, painfully slowly but does change, people change. On returning home, you find you have nothing in common with the people you once knew. Their lives seem dull yet you feel strangely jealous of their habitual stability and compfort zone softness.

When I go back to England, I don't recognise it. The roads seem so clean, new and efficient, there are so many shops and so much choice on offer. It's great to recognise and buy familiar product brands that you grew up with, to take a trip down memory lane. Back home you buy things you don't really need so you can take them back with you just in case they are useful, although you will never use them. When, I return, I don't know the TV programmes that everyone is watching and I don't know the names of famous Brits that I read about in the paper online. I hate and love going back. I don't like the vast crowds of people and the uncomfortable melting pot of races it scares me, sorry I am not a modern man. Interpret that how you like however, I don't subscribe to racism. I don't like the rudeness of people. I do like the choice of foods and to eat home cooked food from my mother and to visit the seaside.

The main beauty of going back home is that I can understand what people are saying. I feel like an alien who has just landed on earth with special earth language headphones on. It's brilliant. I feel a master of English and British. I speak about everything and anything to total strangers and take simple joy in understanding what they are saying to me. I recognise accents and expressions that I used to not notice when I lived back in England.

My kid is half English, so I hope to take him to see his roots one day soon. When I come back to Russia I feel like a foreigner. When I go to England I feel like a foreigner, I don't recognise the country I grew up in. I am scared and happy to go there but also very relived to leave. I certainly don't pine for England and I don't plan to live there again but I am still a alien where ever I am. Perhaps roots need to be put down before the tree perishes and dies but where and when, that is the million dollar question? See Basil Fawlty syndrome.

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I want to look like Tom Cruise

I am doing it again. Talking about myself. Sorry, but I should share with you the experience of finding a good hair cut in Moscow as I will prove language is not always necessary.

I have spoken about this before when I first arrived here. I made the mistake of going to a Salon where I was charged 2,000 rubles (43.00 GBP, 71.00 USD) for a hair cut. The system here is that when you go to a salon they offer you the 'Master'. When I was asked do I want the master I thought I was going to meet a Kung Fu specialist all dressed in white rather than a hairdresser. A master is the top hairdresser with a top price. I declined this kind offer and had my hair cut by what must have been the 'Junior' because when I left my hair looked almost the same as when I arrived but cleaner and shampooed. After this experience, I was determined to find men's hairdressers where I would have a mans hair cut at a normal man price. Not as easy as it sounds in a place like Moscow.

Not speaking the language in a foreign country can be an issue if you let it be one. It could be an issue if you had a problem with your car and could not explain to the non English speaking man at the garage what was wrong with your car. It could be an issue at the non English speaking dentists. You could have a tooth taken out by the dentist or a new engine fitted by a dishonest non English speaking mechanic, if you were unlucky enough to fall on such a people. I try to avoid these scenarios by using pictures. Allow me to explain in a moment. Bad communication could result in all your hair being shaved off so be careful.

After a lot of looking, I found a men's hairdressers that is about a twenty minute walk from my flat. I go there with my kid. When we arrive, I bump him down the many steps in his pram (stroller) to the salon. You would not know about this salon if you did not have a Russian friend to tell you about it and it's also hard to find like many places in this city. It is just a white door, on the side of an ordinary looking block of flats. The first time I went there it took me over an hour to find it. I am always the only man in there with a kid in a pushchair. This is not really surprising, as its not so usual to see men with kids in pushchairs, or men in hairdressers with kids in Moscow.

I usually see the same man each time I go. When I arrive, there are often about four of five on them all sitting on chairs looking bored, waiting for their next clients, so getting a hair cut is fast. My man is fat with a light fragrance of body sweat by Gucci and stale breath by Shashlik. I can tolerate it as he is fast and the price is cheap at just 250 rubles (5.50 GBP, 9.00 USD). I don't get offered an espresso coffee, I am not offered a classy men's magazine to read like 'GQ' and there is zero small talk about the weather or the football between myself and the hairdresser. This is a blessing as far as I am concerned, as I always hate hairdressers small talk. In this situation I can just shut up and can be unfriendly without the guilt. Perfect.

'You don't speak Russian' some may cry 'but you are missing out on so much culture' I say 'bullshit'. I am too lazy, too stupid and dyslexic to learn Russian. I don't want to learn Russian, I certainly won't be making Russia my permanent home. I get by with my language laziness by using my hands (miming) or by using photos. Before I go the hairdressers, I look on Google under 'images' and type in an actors name or a hair style, find some photos and print them out. Then I select a few examples, print them onto one sheet of paper, put the paper into a plastic paper holder and put them in my back pocket to take to the hairdressers. I chose a photo of 'Tom Cruise' and some others, as I wanted a short hair cut. I usually have my hair short and maintenance free e.g just 'dunk, gel and go' (dip head into sink, gel and leave).

On my visit last week, I took a photo of Tom Cruise and other celebs. I just pointed to the photo of Tom Cruise, showed the scissor action and said 'shampoo' an internationally known word and I am understood by my sweat man. I keep my kid near me in his chair and feed him regular biscuits while my hair is being cut to keep him quite, it does not always work so a fast hair cut is vital. I think they are used to seeing me in there now as I go every two months or so for my regular hair cut.  I don't look anything like Tom but my hair is short. Job done. I am keeping the location a secret.

Some wealthy expats pay thousands of rubles for a hair cut and have a nail manicure, well I am not such a guy and would never do that out of principle. I don't think I am mean, just careful. You decide.

Note: If you speak another langauge apart from your own, learning Russia will be easier. If you make efforts to learn Russian it will be appreciated by Russians. I however, do not think it is vital to learn the language unless you plan on making Moscow your home long term. Learning a langauge is an individual choice.

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Daddy needs a happines pill

The thing about being a man doing what many consider to be a woman's job, is that the job is harder to do due to others unspoken attitudes. I have written about this before. I have not spoken about this unpaid job in Moscow before but only focused on parenting. Moscow is a big, impersonal, dirty, expensive city. There is a large and ever increasing expat community here. The expat crowd is a mixed bag of personalities and nationalities. It consists of contractors, short term contracts, single and married, foreign men married to and dating Russian women and permanent expats that have chosen to make Moscow their permanent home.

I try very hard to avoid speaking about personal things on this blog as speaking about the self could be seen as egotistical. I am not seeking to promote myself or to be vain, however a blog is personal no matter how hard you try to be neutral. This blog can at times be from the heart, this is from my heart and I share it with you, my unknown, voiceless, anonymous audience. Experience and opinion is individual. I want to share my experience here regarding being full time father, jobless and at home with a child in a place like Moscow. This may help other dads who are thinking of doing what I am doing abroad and help them to decide if it is for them or not. Read carefully if you such a man!

There are some men in my situation in Moscow. These men are either here looking after their kids for a short period, until they continue their unbroken high flying careers in a new job in Moscow or they have full time nannies while they sit at home playing the stock market or poker online. Many of these guys have a full time woman to look after their kid or kids. This seems to me to be a luxury for them. My wife would never accept such an arrangement. Her view would be, if you are at home all day then look after our kid. She is a tough woman. We cannot afford a full time nanny. We don't get any help financially with our rent and do not get any financial help with kindergarten or school costs. We are very unusual cases in Moscow. You may ask why the hell did we come here? The answer is simple, it was take a job in Moscow or have no job. That's the economic situation that we all now live in. We do what we can to feed ourselves and our families.

I must confess, I do think I am lucky to spend the early years with my kid at home but on the other hand I am a bit jealous of these other dads and expats in their situations. Jealousy is a terrible thing and something, I really try to suppress it but it's difficult in place like Moscow where money and wealth is all around you. At times, if you are real stay at home father in Moscow and actually looking after your kids or kids at home you will sometimes feel like a black man in America in the 1950's. Socially outcast and looked at with suspicion by others. Of course I cannot possible compare my situation with that of a black man, as I would not do the situation justice. I only use it as a metaphor for social comparison. This is how I often feel. A trick of the mind or a gut feeling? A gut feeling.

Before arriving here, I half imagined some friendly expat community, where people would meet, help each other out, host fancy boozy dinner parties, have picnics in the park with the kids and all stick together like one happy, smiling extended family. This naive illusion was soon shattered after about six months of living in Moscow. The reality is that mothers stick together while their men folk work. They often have part time or full time nannies, they meet for coffee and do activities together, they live the good life like a housewife in the 1950's. Some greet each other with a kiss on each cheek and practice the false bible of 'being'. Many women won't be friends with a man. This may be due to their upbringing or because of jealous husbands? Snobbery is prevalent within some expat communities, Moscow is no different.

A stay at home husband can raise awkward questions within the hen house and among the cockerels. They will ask themselves is he a drunk? How can he do that and still have his pride? Why does his wife accept him to stay at home all day while she works hard? How can he live off his wife? etc. What they don't realize is that situations change and couples adapt to life's needs. Couples swap and change roles subject to career opportunities and career dictates. Ignorance can still exist among some people and expats are no acceptation to this sad and ignorant belief. The truth is, you will lose some self pride and your role will destroy some respect you have for yourself and the respect others have for you. This is an unavoidable fact of being a full time stay at home father. It's part of the package, part of the deal, even if you don't want it to happen.

If you are thinking of moving with your wife to a place like Moscow and will be at home all day with your kid or kids, have a thick skin and a plan 'b'. Ideally, you will have a profession that is transferable aboard. You could be a doctor, dentist, 'banker', accountant or lawyer. If you are any of these things, finding a job abroad will be a lot easier even after a break for childcare duties. The chances of meeting many other dads in your situation is slim to very unlikely. Try to set up a business that you can take with you, maybe you are an web page designer, in which case you can simply carry on your web page design business anywhere you travel with your family. The key is is be tough and not care what other people think, this can be harder than it sounds. Try to get out make friends with other guys and take up a sport. You will need to hire a nanny at least for a few hours a week just so you can have some alone time. Alone time is vital to remaining sane, calm and happy in place like Moscow.

As for me, well I can't say I like my life style in Moscow and count the days to leave like a prisoner would do marking off chalk lines on his prison wall. In a nutshell, big cities are cold and unfriendly places. I guess I should have thought it through a bit more before agreeing to come here. As we say in English, you make your bed and you lie in it . In the meantime, I will just carry on as best I can and try not to get too depressed.

Daddy needs a happiness pill. A change in the weather may bring with it a more positive mood. Let's hope so dear reader.

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Aeroflot, computer says no/нет!

In December we had an ill fated trip to Egypt, a very Russian destination. Egypt was fine, we were not eaten by sharks or blown up, however getting there was like trying to fly to the moon wearing only your underpants and a smile.

The flight was delayed for 32 hours! Not fun but combine delays with a cigarette smoked filled airport, drunks, no seats and crying toddlers/babies and you get a recipe from hell. I am surprised they have not tried this system at Guantánamo Bay as a form of torture. Maybe they have?

The Aeroflot flight to Egypt was delayed and the plane had 'technical' problems i.e the pilot was probably drunk. We did eventually get to Egypt and got back but we wanted our pound of flesh and compensation from the airline. It's a long story, (see Snow to sand- Moscow to Sharm El Sheikh) if you want before you read this but its not vital to the plot here.

In January this year, we heard from a Russian friend that we could claim back some money from Aeroflot. We filled in the Aeroflot claim form, took our form and flight tickets stubs to a main Aeroflot office and waited and waited for news. By mid March we finally had an email from Aeroflot, telling us that we could claim back 125 euro each on our tickets and that we had to use the tickets vouchers by December this year. This email voucher ticket promise came from the main Aeroflot office, the email had no reference number on it and only said we could get back money on our delayed flight. The main office told us to collect the vouchers from their other office by the river where the metro station is closed for renovation and the only way of getting there is to walk.

April came and last weekend we took this golden precious email, by hand and on foot, down roads and up stairs to the Aeroflot office by the river to get our money back flight vouchers. A grumpy woman at the Aeroflot office informed us that the offer had expired two weeks before and that we could not get out free tickets. However, the email that we got from the main Aeroflot office did not say this rather vital information or we would have gone before to get our flight vouchers! We walked home annoyed and ticketless (without any tickets). On Monday we called the main Aeroflot office that had told us we could get money back and told them what had happened at their other office. They told us it was their 'mistake' and that we could get our free flight vouchers from their office by the river, the same office that had rejected us when we tried to get our flight vouchers. I hope you understand the story so far?

Put simply: Aeroflot ticket claim formula

1 One office says = Yes, you can have money back but does not tell the customer about the expiry date to claim it back.

2 Another office says = No when the customer tries to claim back the money based on what the other office had said.

3 The office that said yes, says yes again (see 1).

4 Customer goes back to the office that said no, waits and finally gets ticket vouchers.

5 Time from first claiming to getting back money on delayed flight = About 4 months, many phone calls and several walking trips to the Aeroflot office.

Today, on Sunday a week later after our first ticket attempt, we went down to Aeroflot by the river with our passports and only a verbal promise from the girl at the main Aeroflot office that told us we could collect our ticket vouchers. When we got to Aeroflot, they did not believe us and told us the offer had expired. 'Yes' we said "we know that ' we told them 'but didn't the other office call you?" "No" they said. What happened to communication between Aeroflot offices? A different Grumpy woman tried to call the girl at the main Aeroflot office, that had told us we could have our flight tickets but she was on holiday! Our grumpy women then spent two hours looking blankly at her computer screen for a fucking reference of this alleged 'promise' of three flight vouchers. My blood was boiling and I could feel my right eye beginning to twitch, as I fought to entertain and control my kid, while my poor wife sat and waited to hear from our Aeroflot grumpy woman, if our tickets were to be a reality or were just some delusional fantasy, told to us by another woman, at another Aeroflot office!

Finally, feeling very jaded, we left Aeroflot with three ticket vouchers worth 125 euro each to be used before Christmas this year to anywhere in Europe. We had to sign many forms, the grumpy woman took countless photocopies of our passports but in the end we got what we needed. A victory to us. I can think of better ways to spend a Sunday morning. It pays to persevere in Russia! Don't accept нет. 125 euro (90 GBP) for 32 hours of hell is not a lot but better than a slap round the face with a wet fish. At least we can visit another country and get out of Moscow for a weekend which is worth more than any gold.

My point in telling you this dear reader, is I am sure that in the UK, this process would be a lot easier and faster. After complaining and being told you could have money back on a flight or flights, you would be sent an email with a voucher reference number with a valid expiry date. You would then go to the fight ticket office or go online, book your flight, enter in your money back voucher code and get your flight with its reduction. Simple, easy, hassle free. It would be achieved in moments not in months.

I have noticed a few things about Russia. One, they love filling in forms in triplicate and rubber stamping things and two they don't seem to have heard of the strange foreign concept of 'customer service' and business reputation, perhaps this is an historic problem to Russia? Know your customer rights, although in Russia I am not so sure that 'rights' make much difference. Perhaps we were just unlucky? I like to think that not all customer care experience in Russia is the same as we experienced with Aeroflot.

Read similar stories from others here:

Moscow blog 
Media report 
Airline customer policy in Europe
Your rights on compensation 

Moscow tourist magnets

Moscow is now in winter meltdown. The ice and snow is slowly melting forming brown dirty puddles everywhere. This is good, as it means Spring (весна, vesna) is on her way. Little kids love puddles. They take every opportunity to run through them and jump into every puddle, splash, splash, splash. Men in orange jackets with moon shaped faces, stand on large piles of snow that they have been shovelling all winter. These same men now chop their snow up with shovels, their new objective is to make it melt on the days when we get warm spring sunshine. Summer baking time will soon be here as we drift from ice to heat.

We took a walk the other day to Red Square and the famous Gum shopping centre. This is a grand old building built in about 1893, although is has been a building of some kind longer than that. You make your way over to Red Square on foot after passing through an archway. To your right is Lenin, who lies in his coffin, pickled and preserved for tourists to see. I am not sure if it really is his body or a wax dummy? He is worth seeing, if only to say your friends that have seen 'Lenin'. Be quick as there is talk of removing him from his current home to Disneyland Paris.

Entering Red Square, you feel as if you are on a movie set. We have all seen Red Square countless times on TV news reports as it seems to be the main point for all news journalists to report from. It is seen as a reference point or stereotype for Russia, Red Square is 'Russia' to the worlds media: 'this is Tom Manly, CNN, Moscow, back to you in the studio Brad'.

Red Square, was once the setting of spectacular parades of military strength, unseen and unmatched across the world. Sadly no more. Red Square is just another square, in another city for Japanese coach trips and for other tourists. However, you still get a feeling of history and a sense of the past. No trip to Moscow would be complete without a visit to Red Square. Despite my jaded description, I recommend seeing it if you visit Moscow, it is beautiful and soaked in history. Visiting Red Square is a bit like any tourist must see place, from Big Ben in London to The Eiffel Tower, you cannot leave the country without seeing them.

The Gum shopping centre, or as Americans call it a shopping 'mall' is also worth seeing. It's a beautiful arcade with high ceilings and arches on several floors. I can only describe as a kind Fortnum & Masons of Moscow. A grand old lady, who has seen it all and lived through good times and bad in Russia's colourful and controversial history. Inside, you will be spoiled for choice in luxury goods and brands. There are luxury food markets (supermarkets) selling international luxury brands, wines, fine cheeses and other foods.

The arcade has many clothes shops and perfume shops. You will need a full wallet or a generous Visa or Master card to go shopping at the Gum. However, you don't need to buy anything and frankly why waste your money? Have a look at it just to enjoy the architecture, history and atmosphere. Have a walk through the Gum, enjoy looking in the shop windows and have a coffee. People watch and window shop, look at the Olga's and Sacha's as they peruse the shops, laden down with classy paper bags containing their new perfumes and shoes, Russian's love brands. Have a look at the foods maybe even buy some biscuits or chocolates as a souvenir for mum or dad .

A walk through the Gum and a stroll around Red Square, is the perfect way to spend a few hours on a spring Sunday afternoon. However, the best time to see Red Square is of course in the winter, the square is cleared of snow by our men with moon shaped faces but the crisp winter air and snow covered domes creates a wonderful chocolate box romantic atmosphere that will give you a positive memory of Moscow.

Note: If you shop here, American Express is not very popular in shops, they prefer Visa or Master card.

WTF will dad do when he is no longer needed?

I have been thinking, as I tend to do sometimes, just to prove that my brain is still functioning. What the fuck will I do when 'me, myself and I' are no longer needed to look after mini me, i.e my kid? I apologize for my rambling and for my langauge but frankly I have nothing else to write about and I'm scared about the future.

I am at home in Moscow, on a Saturday night sat at my computer with nothing better to do and worrying about the future. Sad isn't it, please don't cry. Twenty years ago, I would have been out drinking and hunting for my next sexual conquest. In those days, I was young, handsome and single. Now I am older yet still fairly handsome but not single. I am chained, child bound and in Moscow rather than in London.

What does one do when one is no longer needed to look after the kids or kid? This is a question that many people including me, choose to ignore. We bury this question under the bed, in the garden and put it to the back our minds like a promise to the wife to fix the shelf in the living room. If you are a full time parent, male or female stuck at home, your employment life as a SAHD or SAHM (stay at home dad/stay at home mum) is limited, as eventually they will be at school. Being a stay at home parent has a limited life span and the clock is ticking faster than you realize. I have not been employed for a few years. I have collected dust like an old vase on the shelf, I am like an old car that has not been used for years. My battery is flat and I need a good wash. Unless you are a doctor, surgeon, scientist, dentist, engineer, architect, designer etc, your saleability and 'resale' value after life on the shelf, is limited, to zero. Your net worth to an employer registers in small coins rather than in hard paper cash. What does a SAHD or SAHM do after life at home and child care?

Maybe it's time to learn a new skill? learn to juggle, dance, sing or take an exam in applied mechanics or mathematics? Who fucking knows? Employers don't like CV gaps, gaps are a no no, CV gaps are the grand canyon of gaping crevices. Interviewers raise their eyebrows if you have a few months gap in your employment history, they look at your CV while their faces have an expression as if you have just farted the worst fart in their office. How will they react to a few years away from work and if you are a man?. They will look at your CV while a cold wind and tumble weed will blow through the office, as you sit in your swivel chair looking up at them hoping for a job. They will assume you are a gay man who adapted a child.

Being away from an office environment, you forget employment life and office games. You forget how cut throat and hard life is in the world of paid employment. You forget office and adult life and become childlike in your perception of people and the world, you revert back in your adult development, to a world that is fluffy and soft. Your world has revolved around another human being that you have cared for from when you first watched them flop out onto the table in a bag of slime, you fed and watered them for about two to three years, you have not known any other function. Your world has been isolated and special. All you have known have been child issues, worries and child jargon and things like nappy rash, vomit, shit, the best nappies to use, good and bad baby food, nursery rhymes and day to day child care.

You have forgotten about spread sheets, how to use a photocopier, coffee machine, performance targets, payslips, Windows Office, taking the daily train and how to cope with jerks in the office that you can't stand. You forget what its like to sit opposite a guy who talks really loudly on the phone or who picks his nose, you forget about being false and keeping cool when all around you is annoying the shit out of you that you just want to burst. You forget the numbing routine of Monday to Friday life.

Trying to get a job again after such a long break would be hard for a woman and even harder for man. People don't do kids and childcare. Employers want continuity, gaps and children don't really compute for many employers. When they ask you at an interview: 'so Martin what have you been doing since........?' an uncomfortable silence falls over the meeting as you desperately splutter: 'I have been looking after my daughter' and they say to you, trying to to look genuinely interested: 'oh really and how did you find that?' you just want to leave and go home as you watch your CV and job chances burn in flames. In your mind, you raise your finger at them and slam the door on the job.

Perhaps it's easier for a woman who is at home raising her kids. If she is married to a rich man who is in a good job, the chance or need for her to return to work is unlikely and unnecessary. The chances and need for a man to return to work are higher and far more difficult. This is an experience and mountain I yet have to climb dear reader. I am looking forward to it as one would look forward to a total body wax or colonic irrigation performed by a nervous blind man who had just escaped from a secure mental asylum!!

Note: It's hard for women as well but in many countries employers legally have to hold their position for them when they return to work. This is not the case for men since men don't have babies. Men have no rights except 'paternity leave' in some developed countries however, paternity leave is unmanly and soft. I doubt many men use it? Besides I think it's unpaid so its as much help as a chocolate tea cup.

See: Stay at home dads are on the increase 

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