Your pension & red tape when abroad

For anyone moving abroad, red tape bureaucracy is unavoidable. We all hate it but It's vital to be able to correspond with your bank, insurance company and pension organization so that you have what you need now or when you retire. I can only offer suggestions in relation to my own country the United Kingdom (UK) with particular reference to the UK state pension. In the UK we pay national insurance (NI) contributions directly from our monthly or weekly pay. 

If you move abroad with your wife or husband, you will no longer be working or paying any national insurance. This is good and bad news. The good news is you will save some money, the bad news is you will get a small or no state pension when you reach retirement and will starve to death. You can always street busk, sell a kidney or take sensible action now. I recommend paying it each year while you are abroad.

Due to world wide online fraud, our beloved organizations such as banks, insurance companies and state benefit organizations, have had to protect their systems from fraudulent thieving bastards and they have had to protect your financial history and accounts from these bastards that want to take your identity or money. The keepers of your money, records and identity have now become so paranoid about fraud in the United Kingdom and over obsessed with data protection, that they cannot even read you back your home address on the phone if you call them to give them a change of address. You can try to call them from abroad and if you are unlucky you will be given set of options via a recorded message. A stern but sexy female voice, will ask you to choose an option. Option one for accounts, option two for payments, option three for an option on an option and option four for the main menu of options. You will then hear a boy band, playing their chart hits of five years ago while you wait to be connect to a human being. I use the word "human being" with extreme caution as often the person that answers your call may well be a grumpy, rude, badly trained young person who could not give a shit about you or your questions. This is not always the case and sometimes you get a helpful person, its all down to when you call based on time, day and luck, like Russian telephone roulette when calling these places to get money, ask a question or pay money. Sometimes, paying money to these places can be harder than trying to get it. When you live abroad, communicating with these powers houses of red tape, can be a test of nerves and strength, so please read below.

Before you call, make sure your kids are not there to tug at your sleeve or put the cat in the in the oven while you struggle on the phone to answer a million stupid security questions. Try to make these kind of calls when the kids are at kindergarten, at school or in bed asleep. Don't forget any time difference between countries and use Skype to save the cost of an international call. These steps, will save your sanity and your nerves. When you make your call, have a cup of tea or strong alcohol in your hand and be ready to wait, have all your reference numbers, account details, addresses current and previous, ready to refer to if asked by the bank, pension agency or insurance company. This will save you sweating and stress when the youth on the end of the phone asks you for your account number, NI number and secret security question such as what was the name of your first girlfriend or boyfriend and where did you live when you where two?  Sometimes, they will ask you for your mothers maiden name and may ask your dick size or breast size, so be prepared. If you use an online banking service to transfer money or check your millions, you may be required to enter in a complex set of codes to access your account and may be asked by the computer for the code to the meaning of life, so be ready to have the answer or go back to GO and pay two hundred pounds.

My concern when moving away from the United Kingdom, was that I would not continue to pay my British state pension. We all know that the state pension amounts to peanuts when you are old, senile, deaf and have no teeth but it will help with food costs and will allow to to buy three eggs and a loaf of bread each week so you won't starve to death but you may have to wait to get it. In Europe, they keep increasing the retirement age for reasons that they claim to be due to longevity and population increase, what they won't admit to is that they need to reduce immigration and increase tax to cover pension costs for their citizens. The chances are that if you are British and reading this, the retirement age will have been raised to be 105 years old, so you may die before you can claim it and they will save tax money. The politicians can then use this saved pension money to claim back yet more expenses for fancy dinners out and first class plane tickets on "governmental meeting" trips abroad.

Despite this grim picture, we have to be optimistic in life and assume most of us will live to retire and to claim our state pension, so I recommend to keep paying it if you can. You can Google the organization that you need to contact, everyone one is now on the all knowing and seeing World Wide Web. Information is usually easy to get and free blogs like this may help, see links below. If you are able to find their address and manage to reach them by phone, pat yourself on the back and feel proud of your achievement, I did after an hour of searching on the internet and after trying to call them and waiting on the phone, I now know one song of "Take That" very well. I must confess, I like Take That and sing their songs in the shower. These government web sites, bury their contact address and email address as deeply as possible on their web sites so that people don't try to contact them.

You can pay your British state pension once a year after April. You need to tell them you have moved abroad. Write to them as it may be quicker than trying to call them and give them your new address and national insurance number. They should then send you a letter each year, telling you how much to pay them. You can pay them online or send a cheque by post. The number of years to pay for your UK pension has been reduced, perhaps as sweeter for paying you later when you are 105 years old. If you have a private pension, then you can ignore everything I have suggested, as you will be so rich when you are old, deaf and toothless that you won't need a British state pension.

Related stories see: UK International Pensions Centre,  FAQ's

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