New arrivals to Moscow

Below, you will find a basic list of general tips for expatriates moving to Moscow. For anyone who has not lived in Moscow before, some of the advice below may seem slightly exaggerated. Some advice below is definitely very exaggerated, while some of the advice is totally true. It's for you to decide what is true, false or exaggerated. You will only know the answer to this once you have actually lived in Moscow. All is written from an alpha males perspective.

Hopefully a few points are helpful to you and please be assured, everything below is said with a strong sense of irony and humor. 

At the airport

1. When arriving at the airport, don't be surprised to see hundreds of bags wrapped up in kilometers clear plastic, Muscovite's love clear plastic almost  as much as drilling. Be ready to wait in line for one lift to take you down to exit the terminal. Keep calm.
2. Be prepared to wait in line at the customer passport control from about ten minutes to thirty minutes. Don't smile at the passport control and make sure you have your immigration paper filled in, failure to do so will result in being shot or refused entry to the motherland.
   
3. Many men with gold teeth will wait at the arrival hall wanting you to take their a "taxi", if you do take a taxi, agree the price before getting in the car or your wallet will be emptied. You can always take a bus or shuttle train to the city centre.
   
4. Don't be shocked by the traffic and be ready to spend up to two hours stuck in the car to get from the airport to your hotel or apartment in the city. Take a copy of "War and Pace" by Tolstoy, you may finish reading it by the time you get to your final destination.
   
5. If you bring a pet with you , be ready to spend hours waiting at the airport, before you can collect your pet. If you have a pet that's not a giraffe, take your pet in a pet box, with you inside the aircraft cabin and not in the cargo hold, it will be quicker to leave the airport and will avoid lengthy customs. Alternatively, travel with your pet inside their pet box to keep them company on the long journey to Moscow, that way you will both leave the airport at the same time and perhaps save money on the flight.
6. If you smile at any official at the airport, don't expect a smile back, smiling is seen as weak and a waste of facial muscle energy. Always look at the ground with the guilt of a international drug smuggler.
   
7. Don't expect an ordered line at the check in desk and be ready to fight for your space in the line. Don't wear your camouflage jacket or your turban and certainly don't take any guns or petrol onto the plane.
8. Send your wife or girlfriend with the luggage to the airport ahead of you and stay in bed for longer before you take your flight, you will arrive less stressed.
   

The flat

1. When asked by the agent what your maximum rent price is, never give the max price as they will find you a flat on that maximum price as they get one months rent commission. Always suggest a low max figure and don't look desperate.
2. You may be lucky enough to have a personal assistant or someone in HR to find you a letting agency and flat before you move to Moscow but if not then you will have to do the donkey work yourself. Go to Moscow a month before you move here, alone or with your family, rent a short term let apartment for a week or two and hunt for a flat. There are many agencies here and they are fairly good at finding what you want in your price budget. Be totally clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable to the agency in terms of what you want in your new home. Never assume they know what you want as you will be shown some flats that are totally unsuitable. Never rent a flat if your wife or girlfriend has not seen it and approved it first, you will save yourself many weeks of arguments and no sex. See: renting and finding a flat.
3. Don't rent a flat from anyone who is not Russian as they are probably an American or British foreigner married to a Russian and they will get very rich renting out their wife's grandmothers flat (in fact, often the flat will be rented out while the grandmother is still living in it). They will spend your rent money on wine, hookers, cards and golf.
   
4. Expect to possibly rent a flat that has a mirrors on the bathroom ceiling and plastic jacuzzi bath dated from the late 1980's. See: Hall of Horror.
   
5. When you look at any flats, you are not encouraged or expected to ask questions about the flat or its facilities or problems, this is only done once you agree to rent the flat or after you have singed the rental contract. If you look at any flats and see wallpaper with a fried egg patten as I once did, keep a straight face and run for the hills.
6. Check the owner allows pets, wives and children. Not all do.
   
7. Take photos of the flat when you first move in to protect yourself from being accused of causing any damage to flat. This will cover you when you leave the flat and want your deposit back, however don't expect to get your deposit back as many flat owners use your deposit to pay for repairs or for their summer holiday. Don't remove any internal walls, windows or re model the bathroom as you may not get your deposit back.
   
8. Make sure the windows and doors are child safe and if not ask the owner and the agent to make them safe before you sign the renting agreement.
9. Make sure the lift stops at your floor and not in between the 4th and 5th floor.
10. Expect the flat owner to knock on your door every month for the rent, bank transfer for rent payment is rare in Moscow. Don't be surprise if the rent is increased by 5% at anytime during the rental agreement.
11. Set your rent at a fixed amount and in a fixed currency for at least two to three years and pray.
12. If you come home and find the flat owner in bed with your wife or husband, it may be time to leave Russia and your marriage.
13. Try to rent a flat that has at least one air-con unit as it can be very hot in the summer and don't rent a flat that faces the afternoon sun or you will cook like a sausage in the oven.
14. Be ready to hear 'remont' (flat renovation) noises going on at anytime above you or below you. This noise is usually drilling. Electric drills are loved here and Muscovite's love using their electric drills sometimes even when they have nothing to build, they just love drilling and making holes in walls. If they do this, buy a speaker and record the sound of a mad dog barking. Place the speaker on the floor, turning it on maximum volume at antisocial hours to get your revenge. I tried this method but used the recorded sound of wild baboons having sex. The drilling stopped soon afterwards and I sleep well at night now.
15. If you a re moving to Moscow to teach English, many schools provide some form of free or cheap accommodation in the wrong part of town, while you work at the school for a few Rubles per day. They will also arrange your visa for you and sell you out as a visiting masseur.
16. If you have a neighbour who keeps snakes and who drinks beer on the bench outside at 8 am in the morning, don't be alarmed, make friends with him he could help you in a tight fix.
    

Shops, services & sightseeing

1. Be ready to pay large amounts of money for any food, if you shop in the city centre. It is best to shop at one of the big international supermarkets and far cheaper. If you shop in the New Arbat, your wallet will be emptied for a loaf of bread and a packet of cheese.
2. Don't be shocked by the large number of people that you will see at the supermarket and be ready to wait in line behind about eight people to pay for your food shopping. Supermarkets in Russia don't have express checkouts like they do back in the United Kingdom where you have the help of a very old person or angry student to bag up your shopping for you. In Moscow, bag up your shopping as fast as you can or the checkout person will send it flying down the conveyor belt at very high speed sending all your food onto the floor. Guard your space in line with aggression and with cunning planning, use your shopping cart to block other shoppers from going in front of you to checkout till. Use your shopping cart as a lethal weapon to guard your space.
   
3. Don't be shocked if you are asked by any cashier in any shop if you have the correct money. They see it as the customers job to give them change for their till. You will not be smiled at and may have your change thrown back at you. Keep calm and smile.
4. If you need a haircut, don't go in the centre of Moscow and take a Russian speaking friend with you. Foreigners are charged more because they are foreign and smell of cabbage and old socks. If possible, cut your hair yourself using a sharp pair of scissors or an electric chainsaw.
5. At museums in Russia, you are expected to take off your coat and leave with an old unsmiling coat women, she will give you a plastic coat ticket. Don't lose this plastic ticket or you may be arrested or shot. If you take a child with you to museums, don't be shocked to get bad looks from the female museum staff and don't smile at anytime. Museums are not meant to be fun and speaking is strongly discouraged. Children should be eaten, only seen and certainly never heard.
6. At supermarkets, you are not allowed to take your shopping trolley into any shops in the shopping mall. Security guards look at all customers as thieves, so be prepared to be checked or strip searched. At many shops, you are expected to leave any bags in a shop locker and the security staff will put your bag inside a plastic bag and staple the handles together. In Russia, all customers are seen as thieves and are privileged to be allowed to enter any shop.
7. When you go into a shoe or clothes shop don't be shocked if you see five shop staff all standing about chatting, you are expected to rudely interrupt their conversation and to beg them for help, offer them money if necessary.
8. At any shop, don't expect to the correct price on clothes or shoes and you may even see the wrong price. Be surprised if you see the right price, in fact be surprised if you see any price.
9. At restaurants, expect your dining partners plate of food to arrive first and for your food to arrive cold and after they have finished eating their meal. Expect to get your starter and your main course at the same time. Make your beer last all night as they are very expensive in Moscow restaurants.
10. Don't buy bottles of water get it delivered each month to your flat. You will need four to five large bottles per month. Always have the correct change and delivery men hate to carry change and will shoot you if you don't pay them the correct cash.

Driving, public transport & walking

1. Any driving that you have been used to in your own country does not apply here. Lane sharing is expected and never thank another driver if he or she lets you in front of them. Politeness and manners are forbidden by Russian driving law.
2. When driving and turning left or right, never signal it's seen as a waste of physical energy.
   
3. When driving at speed, it is encouraged to use your mobile phone and to never stop at zebra crossings. People crossing them are there to be run over.
4. If you have a pet, (preferably a poodle) drive your car with your pet sitting on your lap or in the drivers seat. They are better than any car navigation system. One bark for left, two barks for right.
5. When driving in Moscow do as some other parents do. If you have baby or small child, put them in the front seat, they will keep you company while you drive. They would be lonely on the back seat and act as an additional airbag in the event of an accident.
6. In Moscow, park where you like, except in the Kremlin (on Sundays between 9.00 and 12.00 am that is when Vladamir Putin does open air judo practice). Parking on the pavement, (sidewalk) at an angle on the pavement and across a zebra crossing or on a sharp corner will earn you respect and is generally encouraged here. For examples of typical cars and parking see: Parking & cars
7. At petrol (gas) stations, be ready to have your fuel put into your car for you by a pump man from Tajikistan. If there is no man to help you, leave the garage, doing it yourself is seen as insane, physically exhausting and is bad manners. 
8. In Russia, you pay for your petrol first then have it put in your car for you by a man who is paid peanuts (see 7 above). Unleaded fuel, is not in a green pump like it is back home but is in a red pump. Diesel is not available in Russia. Green ecology is totally forbidden in Russia.
   
9. Don't expect to be able to clean your car window at petrol (gas) stations, buckets and water are not provided and are forbidden. In the winter, cars should be as black as possible with dirt and snow at least 5mm thick covering the entire cars body. Seeing out of the car window to drive is not a necessity.
10. Car headlights are optional in Moscow as are car number registration plates.
    
11. If you are an expat, you are expected to have your own private driver, not having your own driver in Moscow is seen as very strange and very poor.
    
12. Always carry your car documents with you including your passport in a man handbag, failure to so could result in being shot or relived off all your money and credit cards by a traffic policemen. If you are dark skinned, be prepared to be harassed by the police as they can be slightly racist.
13. Try to have black windows on your car and if possible use and drive a BMW, Mercedes, Range Rover or Bentley. Black windows ware more important than the engine.
    
14. When getting off a metro train, be ready to push your way on or off the train. Never stand in front of the door inside the train or you may be ejected from the train by people getting off and thrown in a heap onto the platform floor. See: How to use the Moscow Metro.
    
15. When taking the escalator, never stand on the left of the steps as you are blocking an express route used be crazy people who want to get fit.
16. On a bus, tram or train, be ready to sit next to a person that has eaten ten garlic cloves for breakfast or who is drinking a beer at eight o'clock in the morning. Carry a clothes peg for your nose.
17. When crossing any main road in Moscow, always to use a road underpass it will be safer. If you have a pushchair stroller, make sure there are steps with a ramp alternatively,  if you feel lazy, leave your baby or young child home watching the TV while you go out for more Vodka.
18. If you use a zebra crossing, don't ever expect cars to stop for you even if you are half way across the road. Look left and right and never cross while talking on your mobile phone or you will be sent home as strawberry jam in a wooden box.
19. When walking, always have one eye on the pavement (sidewalk) as your shoe may make contact with a large sticky ball of green human spit. Spitting is loved in Moscow, almost as much as drilling, so be very careful.
20. If you are male and get lost on the Moscow metro, always target a pretty girl to help you with train directions, she may even direct you to her bed if you are handsome and very charming like I am.
21. Above all keep calm, meditate, take up naked yoga, become a Buddhist, ballet dancer, join a new wild religion and remember make the most of your time in Moscow.
    

The seasons

1. Summers are often hot and airless in Moscow, make sure you have good summer clothes or wear no clothes at all, as it can reach over 30 degrees between June and August. Here is a romantic and nice video of the seasons. Crudely speaking, its like your grandmas fridge freezer in the winter and like the sweaty armpit of a Brazilian high jumper in the summer.
   
2. Winters can be very cold so make sure you are fully covered when going outside. If you are a man, buy some man tights and wear them under your trousers, you will feel like a woman. Basic winter equipment is as follows: Long coat, gloves, woolen or fur hat, scarf, winter socks, jumper, tights and plastic or leather waterproof winter boots. Snow arrives anytime from November to January, subject to climate changes.
3. When walking in the street in the winter, be careful when stepping off pavements as you may step into a deep black pond of water that you thought was solid snow, you will sink into icy water up to your knees. The roads and pavements can be covered in freezing dirty black water and are these puddles and ponds are placed there deliberately by KGB operatives to annoy all foreigners and unpatriotic Russians.
4. Be ready to be kept awake by bright sunlight at midnight in some summer months and to be woken up at 3 am by trash men or by drunks or by the neighbour drilling upstairs.
   

Adjusting & surviving Moscow

1. Have a good sense of humor and throw away the rule book of expectations.
2. Don't compare prices to your home country or you will go mentally insane.
3. Join a gym or if you are a woman join a knitting, jam making, breast milk, yoga club or a breast milk yoga club.
   
4. Take regular breaks outside of Moscow or Russia or you will go insane.
   
5. Get out and meet new people. Try to avoid American expats in Moscow who work in (or who claim to work in) 'relocation' (moving), 'consulting', oil, construction, law, finance and investment. This will be expanded on in detail later.
   
6. Don't just stay in Moscow, get out to other places in Russia.
7. Get out and meet new people. This includes other international expats and make friends with Russians, they don't all bite, they do walk upright and can often be very friendly. 
8. If you speak another language other than your own native tongue, try and learn Russian, life will be easier and you will be respected by Russian for trying and it's essential for ordering a beer in a bar.
9. Get a TV package that includes TV from your home country. This will help you to feel less isolated here, then you will be able to watch the BBC news and feel more depressed than before you had a TV.
   
10. Take an Internet subscription for all your pornography needs.
    
11. Use a pay as you go mobile phone service as contacts tie you for two years or more.
12. Smoke and drink lots of vodka, cigarettes and vodka are very cheap here, so don't worry about your liver or lungs.
13. Bring to Moscow any loved preserved foods or pharmaceutical products that you use regularly at home in your own country.  The testicle cream ointment that helps your rash, the tablets that help with your imaginary voices and the cactus jam spread that you love so much for breakfast. It is possible to get many famous foreign products here in Moscow but you will pay considerably more than back home.
14. Join a forum under another name but be careful of forums as online bullying does go on, never publish your email or phone number on a forum. Use travel and expat forums to ask questions when you want to know such things as where to dry clean your socks, teach English to beautiful Russian girls, where to get your cat washed and de-wormed  or where to sell your yoga mat . Online forums do contain a lot of nuts but can occasionally have some helpful and friendly people on them who will be happy to answer your question about Moscow. Massage their ego and be polite, they will usually yield the answers that you seek. The general rule is, be safe and be sensible on forums.
15. Moscow is so rich in history once you look past the concrete and modernity.  Look past this and live and breath its history and positive culture. Living in Moscow, will be a good and bad experience that you will never forget.
16. There are few things here that are cheap here.  Petrol (gas), Russian beer, Vodka and cigarets. Surprisingly, a monthly family shop at an international supermarket, is cheaper than back home if you buy non 'luxury' items such as imported cheeses, French jams and wine.
17. Please note my tongue in cheek advice is all said with humor, however some points above are serious and totally true, the rest can be taken with a pinch of salt. I don't pretend to be any expert or to have all the answers but I do have some experience and hopefully I have helped you here or at least made you laugh.

Related stories see: Renting & finding a flat, How to drive in Moscow, Moscow on a bus, Auchan Moscow style, How to use the Moscow Metro, Hall of Horror,  Men's hair cuts, Adapting to Moscow,

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