How to drive in Moscow

Driving

Driving in Moscow requires a change of what you have ever learned at driving school in your own country. Throw away your rule book and learn new ways of driving. When pulling out or turning, do not signal or use any form of turning signal, pull out sharply and speed away. If another driver protests at your lack of signal, hoot at them or give them the finger. When driving on a main Moscow road, do not respect your lane but in the spirit of community, lane share and make face contact with your mobile driving neighbour. Drive half in your lane and half in the lane next to you. If you see a window of opportunity to get past the car in front of you, slam on the gas and overtake on either side, don't signal, just pull out, slam on your beaks when you get back into a lane, don't worry about the car behind you or use any of your mirrors. On motorways, overtake and or drive on the hard shoulder, rules are made to be broken.

It is very important to not thank another driver if they let you in front of them as this is seen as very weak and unnecessary. Try to drive with one ear on your mobile and if you can park while talking on your mobile, you will be seen as highly skilled by other drivers. At Zebra crossings and at traffic lights, it is not always necessary to stop, if you are in a hurry just continue on your way. In the winter, try to drive with very dirty black headlights and dirty break lights (tail lights), it does not matter if your number plate is black and unreadable, in fact it does not matter if you don't have a number plate. If you have one headlight or no break lights (tail lights) its not a problem.

Parking

Don't worry about parking close to the curb and pavement (sidewalk) edge its not necessary, park how you like and where you like. You can park with one or two wheels balanced on the pavement or simply drive onto the pavement leaving the back end off your car or 4X4 sticking out at a sharp angle on the road, (for some mild examples see here). Park with just one back wheel balanced on the pavement if you like. Parking across or fully on zebra crossings, is strongly encouraged and where possible try to park on the corner of roads. If you are in a hurry for that important meeting, deal or date, simply park your car in the middle of the road and on on a turning, don't be shy as others drivers will do the same as you.

Double parking is also highly encouraged, why worry about looking for space, simply park next to another car. To ensure that the person next to your can get out, you can leave your mobile phone number on your window, it does not matter if you cannot get back to your car as you may be two hours away by metro from your parked car, they can wait for you, it's your driving right. When choosing your car, the rule is the bigger the better and if possible choose black. Try and buy a car like a 4X4 BMW, Porsche, Mercedes or Hummer. Make sure all the windows are black and if possible put a blue light on your roof, that way if you are in a hurry just switch it on and drive over all the traffic lights. Try and carry a gun or weapon under your seat as you never know when you may need it. Hire an old driver who likes a drink and who chain smokes while he waits for you when you call into see your mistress Olga, before you head off to that important parliament vote.

Unless you have driven in Moscow, you may think everything here is either an exaggeration or made up, believe me it's not. For a small fee, I can offer you a driving master class. For three hundred dollars an hour, I will teach you, just email me when you arrive in Moscow.

P.S Don't be surprised if you see dogs on some drivers laps with their paws on the wheel or kids sitting in the front or back without seat belts or child seats.

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