A man in a woman's world

A man in a woman's world. The cave man has come of age. I have not written much about life as a stay at home dad living abroad. This is a bit stupid since this is exactly what I do here in Moscow Russia. It's normally expected that the wife will stay at home with the kids or kid, while her husband works long hours in his highly paid expat position in the host country. This is generally the norm and the way for many expats abroad. However, there is a small group in any capital, in any country where the man stays at home while his wife works. I have met three such men in Moscow. I am friends with one, an acquaintance with another and the other left for Tokyo. We are like the rare lesser spotted red baboon, shy and rarely seen out of our natural habitat.

If you are a wife and stay at home mum abroad, life will generally be easier and you will be more socially accepted than a man. There are many clubs for women here and in other countries where mums (moms) can join, meet others mums and make friends. Men can join some of these clubs, but the chances are if you are a man in one if these clubs you will be the only one. This is fine, if you accept it for what it is and don't mind the invisible estrogen shields that groups of women put up when a man is present within their nest. Metaphorically speaking, they can all sit in the corner knitting, while you stare into your coffee cup munching on a piece of home made carrot cake at one of the many baby groups meetings that are available in Moscow. You will get the opportunity to meet other stay at home parents, most of them mothers at play grounds and you may even see some of them in the street, they travel in pairs and form their own groups within the nest and within the expat pecking order.

I have always been interested in sociology and I studied it at university, so for me I am my own kind of living experiment in my role as a SAHD in Moscow. I am part of a gender role test. Admittedly, I am the only lab participant, short of a few other stray dads, that are floating about in the shadows of the city. The role norm has been this way since the cave man. The cave man always got the meat while the woman stayed in the cave grunting a tune, while combing her hair with a reluctant hedgehog. Now, times have changed since many women burnt their D-cups and demanded equal rights with men, from their first bra burning, right up to today.

Women have increasingly become men, while men have increasingly become women. I often think the only thing that makes them different is their physical appearance, although to be Frank or Francis, its often hard to see the difference, due to the explosion of closet outings of transsexuals, metrosexuals and homosexuals in the UK and in other countries. Many young girls now, sport a beer bellies, tattoos and can drink many of their male friends under the table. Sex is often seen as a way to a free take away curry for some of these girls. Nine months later a baby is born into a very uncertain future.

Most women work within married couples, because they have to and they do get equal pay. Many young women in my own country, now drink to excess, swear and generally behave like men at a football matches. Men have become under increasing pressure to use cosmetics, to look good and to show their feminine side. Many men have become 'metrosexual', (see link) not gay, spending vast sums of money on their appearance, gelling, waxing, plucking and even having their nails done. In my own opinion, via collective intentional design by many left wing groups, feminists and others have caused defined gender roles between the sexes to become very blurred.

We see gender roles now as if looking through an old bad pair of broken glasses. This is not to say that roles don't differ from country to country. In Arabic countries for example, there is certainly no blurring of roles and women are often found at home doing what their culture expects of them, being mothers, cooks, cleaners and their husbands bedroom harlots. They don't really do this under protest, it is just the expected way and was installed into them from when they were little girls. In other countries, like Russia for example, both men and women tend to work, while the woman, the 'wife' works full time she does all the childcare and domestic duties, the husband just carries on as usual. The rich mothers employ full or part time nannies to look after darling Sasha or Dimitry while she holds down a well paid job in advertising etc.

If you are a stay at home dad, in a mixed nationality relationship, you can be in a kind of non-mans-land. You are not part of the wife's circle of friends and your own nationalities are mostly women. At times, you may as well be raising your kids or kid alone in a wooden hut, in coldest deepest Siberia. I am such a dad here in Moscow. Combine this with not speaking the local language or having the money or time to learn the local language, can result in social isolation, where the wind blows around you and cobwebs form around your very being and personality.

In my opinion, women really want to be women again and to do the roles that they have always done, if finance would allow them to so. Men want to work, come home kick off their shoes and have dinner on the table. Sure, some people reading this will self-combust in anger and suggest this is 'sexist' and outrageous, while others may agree with me. I have come to see this as the truth as I have matured, got older, rounder and more world wise. Roles between the sexes have become the bastard child of today.We created this situation and we can uncreate it if we all want to.

Economics of survival, forces couples to swap roles and to move abroad in order to survive. This does not make it 'normal' but it does make it necessary, as the saying goes, 'necessity is the mother of invention', needs must. If you are a stay at home dad, be strong and see it as an experience. Do the best job you can in looking after your kids or kid, ignore any remarks or traditional attitudes to your situation and just do it. The chance to spend the early years with your kid or kids, is a golden opportunity and will give your child a boost and a head start in his or her life. Many kids never see either parent, because both parents work long hours every day, arriving home late each day. The first two years of a child's development are critical.

Brush off the cobwebs ignore the cold winds, you have the chance to help your children, do it as I am doing it as an expat abroad. Be a man in a woman's world. Let her get the meat and you stay in the cave, if only for a few years. Situations change as fast as your child grows up.

Note: The above is my own opinion and based on some sociological studies. You are very welcome to disagree. 

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