Hair and hooligans

Today, I was passing the playground where I take my son to play on my way for a hair cut. Many parents take their kids there, expats and Russians. As I walked, I saw two teenage boys who must have been aged about seventeen swinging so hard on the kids swings that I thought they would either fly off them into the air or break the chains, these swings are the type you put a child into. This is not the first time I have seen them at the playground doing that. Anger inside me rose up to the epicenter of my being. I purposely (and I have to say rather manly), strode over and up to the boys and tapped one on the shoulder and asked one if they spoke English, one boy said he did, I told them off and tried to tell them that they may break or damage the swings and that the swings are for small children and that they could kill a child. They sniggered to each other as I spoke and I am not sure they understood everything I said. I was expecting to have my glasses smashed as I walked away, I am sure a ton of verbal abuse in Russian was directed at me. Had I done this in the UK, I am sure I would have been knifed, shot or punched.

I left the playground hoping I had made a small difference to child safety and went onto the hairdressers. I always have my hair cut by a boy called Zamir, he is a hair "Master". As coincidence would have it, he has a twin brother who also works at the very same salon, although his brother is not a Master! What are the chances of that! How do twin brothers a) decide to be hairdressers and b) decide to work at the same hair salon? Just to explain, in Russia they band hairdressers into normal cutters and "Masters". Masters charge more and are the black belts of the scissor art.

I don't speak Russian, so cannot make small talk to the hairdresser while he or she cuts my hair, which maybe a blessing. Zamir said to me, as he cut my hair: "gel it stay 3 days". I don't really know what he meant? was he saying the hair gel I had in my hair would stay in for 3 days? or I would be a girl in 3 days? I will never know, I am sure on my death bed, this thought will go through my mind. Its a bit strange at that hair salon, but they charge you to use the toilet. Russia is a non Eco friendly country and they don't care at all about natural resources, which includes water. I was bit shocked to be charged 50 rubles to take a pee when I was paying for a hair cut. Zamir just throws hair everywhere and then, as if by magic, some poor girl, who looks like she came on a bus journey lasting a month from the far reaches of Russia, eagerly sweeps up the hair cuttings from the floor, she is probably only paid about 80 rubles an hour, which is enough for a pack of a good pack cigarettes. Enough said, I look incredibly handsome and red hot.

Life goes on.

My feet hurt

I've got problems with my feet. I need to share this on the world wide web and with my small readership. My heels on both feet have got skin on them that is as hard as my mothers personality, as hard as the application form to join the the British Home Office, as hard as the backside on a white Rhino. It would take a laser gun to remove my feet skin. They both became hard when I started running again. I have tried in vain to find what we call in civilized society a "Chiropodist" (a foot man) here in Moscow, after all, we have them in England, so why not here? No such luck. After various emails to different people asking them this very question and annoying as many people as I could, I found out they don't exist in Russia. You can have a "pedicure" and visit one of the many and very popular nail and pedicure salons that are in abundance here in Moscow, if you don't mind sitting with many women while they gossip in Russian about their husbands or menstrual cycles.

I took matters literally into my own hands the other day. I took a large kitchen knife and cut off what I could reach on my feet. It was enjoyable in a masochistic kind of way, although delicate and hard to do with one hand while sitting on a stool in the kitchen and trying not to cut off 3 inches of foot. It was like being let loose on an old Dutch cheese that had been left to mature in a cold dark cellar for three years. My feet had (and still have) a thick hard crust on them. I sliced through my cheesy crust with the knife, watching small bits of yellow crust litter the kitchen floor. I did this before my wife came home or she may have thought I have finally lost it. I had started this "self surgery" a few days before in the bath. It began by picking a tiny flap of loose skin on one foot. I began pulling it, as you would a lose bit of wallpaper or a bit of sun burnt skin, once you begin its hard to stop and becomes an obsession. Now as a result, I have painful heels and am limping around, before Christmas a woman did come to my flat (a home visiting pedicurist) to do my feet, she came with one of those old fashioned razor blades like your dad or grandfather used to have and nothing else. I had expected her to have come with fresh soft towels, creams and a foot stool etc. No such luck, my dreams of professionalism were once again thrown into the flames . A smile was not part of her service, although if I scraped feet for a living, I would not smile.

This morning on my daily 5.30 PM treadmill jog, I limped and ran on my toes. I hope my feet will get better soon or that I find a good foot person, it will probably be a pedicurist. Sorry to share my foot problems with you dear reader.

Cheesily yours, English Dad In Moscow.

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I hate car alarms

Car alarms- I hate them. It seems Russians (or Muscovite's) love them.  You hear them at all hours on any day. Bleep bleep bleep bleep followed by woo woo woo, na na na. Often, they start to make their angry protest for a few minuets before they are silenced.  They make different noises like different species of exotic birds. Some bleep, some bloop, some sound like frogs that are high on cocaine. What I can't understand is that we live in a fractured, insular, selfish society. Many people nowadays in Moscow, London, New York or any other big city, would simply step over or even walk over a dead body in the street if it were in their way, what makes car owners or car manufactures think that by adding a car alarm it will help or interest a car buyer or that a person will phone the Police to tell them a bad man is trying to steal a car? if most of us hear a car alarm, we just ignore it. Wind is the enemy of all car alarms. Often, it is a not a thief stealing a car but a sudden gust of wind that blows from a passing politician backside and hits a car which sets off the alarm.  Cars are sold with "extras" or "features". These features often include, such stupid things as heated seats, parking bleep signals (although this feature is useful for women) , heated steering wheels, black windows, musical pedals, intelligent head lights and car alarms.

Car alarms, are the curse of the 20th and 21st century to our much needed sleep. I think we should be allowed to own bazookas, then when one hears a car alarm down in the street from ones bedroom, one simply opens the bedroom window, aims our (Russian made of course) bazooka at the car, pulls the trigger and fires. Boom, Bazooka hits car, cars blows up, end of noise-sleep. Perfect solution. I have to say, car alarms are a total waste of time. If my own car alarm went off, I would not know if it was mine or any other persons car, I would turn over and pray for the owner to switch it off.  I think car makers should change their car alarm systems to dial your mobile by sending a text message saying something like "hay dude either the wind has set off your car alarm or some *****er is trying to steal your baby, get your ass down there now" or your car could send a signal to your phone to vibrate with a message. This would warn the owner and let others sleep in peace.

I lay awake at night trying to solve some of life's mysteries and annoying things and I can't understand why things never change in life. Next time you hear a car alarm and it wakes you up, find the owner and beat him around the head with a wet smelly fish or actually steal his car to teach him a lesson. Russians also love their cars and jeeps, they have become like Americans, the car is their god, their reason for living. I would think car manufactures like BMW, see Russia as one of their main markets for jeep (4x4) sales, this is followed by car alarm makers. I hate car alarms. Dear reader I shall now go and lie down to calm down.

Ramblings from the dark side

I took junior to a local playground here in Moscow, not exactly ground breaking news but on a personal level, not much else has happened here. I say that, but we have had terrorists blow up a train and another Russian plane crashed this week killing the Polish president and everyone else. I don't think safety and regulation are part of the Russian vocabulary or have different definitions to everyone else.

I take my child to the outdoor playground when I can. Today, the sun is shinning and the sky is dark blue, I noticed buds are starting to appear and open like shy girls on the trees. Junior is happy to wobble his way around like a drunk man at the playground, he happily runs around, throws sand at the other kids, he mounts the sandpit and climbs to the top of the sand pile. Sand gets everywhere, in his ears, up his noes in his shoes. I get irritated looks from the clucking Russian mothers. I am not sure if they are shocked at the sight of a man on their territory or if its my son who annoys them? I have been told its rare, if unheard of, for Russian men to help with kids or to do any cooking at home so I may be a rarity here? I don't speak much to him when I am outside, as I feel very self conscious, I want to blend in and to be like any other parents at a playground rather than like an English man in Russia. I feel kind of shy when I am with my son and with other parents that are mostly women. Perhaps I should get over that shyness and just not care what they think and speak in my English? Maybe its in my mind?

Its warmer each day, but I wounder how long before the intense city summer heat hits us all like an oven door opening? I have been here for about 6 weeks since my last trip out of Russia and I'm starting to get itchy feet again. I hope our summer holiday will soon be here. They are repainting all the railings everywhere and simply just paint over the dirt and dust, benches, park fences etc, sticky fingers are a daily hazard. One thing you can say about Moscow, is its clean, you don't see much rubbish/trash on the floor, its kind of ironic, as the city is chocked with traffic, stinks and yet they keep the city streets so clean.

Junior is starting to spit his foot out when he does not want to eat, I looked on Google, the all seeing all knowing "oracle". The lord Google said to me from his endless electronic universe, that I should ignore him when he does it, so I'll try that and see if it works. Its ironic the Internet has made our lives easier and even saved lives but it also kills. Its hard to imagine life without the Internet nowadays. You can book a holiday, order a pizza, buy a bride and many other things can be possible with the world wide web. Its a necessary evil that we all live with, love and hate.

Blow away the Moscow blues- Spring 2020

Everything I write on this here blog, is my own opinion and experience and may differ from some peoples but I have found it hard to adjust to Moscow life. I arrived here with my family in the year of our lord, in September 2009. We came from a small city in eastern Europe where we lived happily and uneventfully for five happy years. This city was Bratislava Slovakia. Small by many standards but a place where everyone one knew someone you knew, it is and was, not crowded, friendly, cheap and had clean air. It is a city in a great location for everything and was until the last few years of our stay there, fairly unknown, it was a secret. Then towards the end of our time there, binge drinking hooligan Brits began to arrive on stag party weekends and bars and coffee shops began to spring up on a weekly basis like mushrooms in a forest. The secrete was out, Bratislava had come of age and everyone wanted a piece of it.

We chose Russia, as my other half speaks Russian and it was the only choice financially and her employer has (and is) ruthlessly cutting jobs abroad without mercy. We came here, because we had to. Before I came here, I was working every day and making a living, this was before I became a full time stay at home dad here in Moscow Russia.

I then found myself alone, with my young off spring, at home in a big stinking, gray city in a country I did not know. It was a big shock. I woke up and smelt the coffee, ripped from my protective country life environment, I had to adjust and cope, it was a big slap in the face. Moving abroad, especially from a small place to a big place, in an unknown land and culture is very hard. Moscow has been cold and gray since about November to March. Now the sun is poking her head round the clouds and smiling down on us through the gray smoky Moscow haze. I used to go running everyday but here I was unable to go running because of the cars and no park near me, I got very fat, drank a lot and felt very sorry for myself. Then a few weeks ago, I joined a gym. I now exercise each day and meet other parents at baby groups, I feel a bit better. Exercise is a good mental tonic.

Despite this, Moscow is an isolating place and in a large city you are faceless and invisible, no matter how hard you try to fit in. People keep to themselves and have a suspicious attitude to newcomers and outsiders. The cloud and blanket of depression can swallow you up if you turn your back on it. My advice to anyone moving to Moscow or any large city in the world from a small place, is to keep busy, meet people (they won't come to you, people are naturally like that) get out, be positive and exercise. The culture shock can be hard. In Moscow, people push and shove, don't generally hold the door for others, drive without care or courtesy, spit in the street and have a get ahead of you attitude. Chill out, let it go and don't let it get you down. Think of your time in your new home as an experience, it will not be forever and try to make the most of it, above all, get out from the city by car or plane to another country whenever you can to re charge your batteries. You will need regular breaks just to keep your sanity. I think Moscow is probably like any other big city like London, New York or Tokyo but that does not make it any easier or any more acceptable.

I can't say I will ever love Moscow, but I hope to like it, now spring is here and the sky has some days of blue and the snow has gone, I feel my mind is having a spring clean and the cobwebs of gloom are slowly blowing away. Binge drinking hooligans won't come here, although terrorists have resurfaced like a bad rash and it is expensive, I try to see the good through the bad dear reader, for in all bad there is some good.