Mork calling Orson, anyone there?

'Mork calling Orson come in Orson', to quote a well known US show from the 80's staring Robin Williams. As a stay at home dad and a foreigner living abroad in a place like Moscow, you will feel as if you are a visitor to another planet. Being new to parenthood brings with it new things. When I was single and happy and childless, ( I joke about the single and happy bit... well almost) I used to feel sick when people lamented and went on about their kids, I found it very boring and annoying. Now I am a parent I do exactly the same thing, although I am more aware of myself doing it than they were. I do not think my kid is perfect. I will lament in a negative way about the joys of toddlers.

Living in Moscow and at home all day with my ejaculation, my off spring, my child, I feel I need to call the mother ship and ask for instructions or a sanity pill to cope with my life here and with a toddler. As a child approaches two, they say this is the difficult age, although I think mine has already started this period and he is not yet two. I have to say, I don't think he is any less behaved than any other normal toddler that has not been kept wrapped in cotton wool. I believe he is healthy, yet very annoying. Today he decided to take a Tipex bottle, (that white correction fluid used for correcting typing mistakes on paper) and painted himself with it while my back was turned while I was in the kitchen trying to make a quiche without burning the kitchen down. When I came out the kitchen, I saw him sitting on the leather sofa smiling with white paint all over his face, jumper and trousers and all over the sofa seat. He will throw cat biscuits down the toilet, put the cats biscuits into the cats water bowel and put them in the washing machine if I turn my back for a second and leave the kitchen child gate open. He follows me all around the flat like a mini stalker, wide eyed and laughing hysterically.

Sometimes, I swear his head is spinning around and fire is blowing from his ears. He gets energy attacks, combined with high pitch creaming and nothing will calm him down except bribery and chocolate. I am sure the chocolate makes him even more hyperactive. They don't come with an off switch or a set of instructions. On the other hand, I am lucky as at night he shuts down his hard drive at seven and does not wake till the next morning at seven. We don't have a day off or a lie in. Its ironic as when he reaches his teen years, we will have trouble getting him up before midday, if I am any example to follow.

Ah, the joys of parenthood and living abroad. Mork calling Orson, come in Orson, I need some instructions and a sanity pill, hello anyone out there?