October 09, 2009
About me in detail.
I started life early and have never since looked back. I attended a small private Christian school where I twice converted to Islam. Now, as a budding new atheist, I have Buddhist tendencies but I have always enjoyed ice-cream.
I have always shown a keen interest in anything that anyone has ever told me about themselves, however, should anyone ever make this mistake, I shall seriously consider reviewing this previous comment.
My thirst for knowledge is unquenchable. I have read all the books I have ever written.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Afghan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can ride bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I have been on the front of Time magazine and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured Austria with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item at the local supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the MI6 & the KGB. I sleep once a week up-side-down. While on holiday in America, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a teaspoon and a toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
Labels: English Moscow Man